Buying the Cow

There's an old saying:

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

It's a fascinating philosophical query.

Marriage versus sex.

And if you're considering the former,

odds are you'll hear the saying from a friend who claims

to be getting an abundant amount of the latter.

And, incidentally, it's bullshit.

Bullshit? You think this is bullshit?

Well, yeah.

Well, it isn't. After five years, I think I have

the right to broach the subject.

So you broach and we talk. You don't have to give me

an ultimatum--

Ugh! Don't use that word. I hate that word.

I'm not too fond of it either,

but what else would you call this?

A deadline.

So I'm a little indecisive.

-It doesn't mean you have to hold a gun to my head.

-Hey! -Sorry.

Don't be so melodramatic. That's why I'm taking

this transfer.

I'll be 3,000 miles away. I can't hold a gun to your head.

-Stop saying that! -

Shit! Admit it.

You're using this transfer thing as an ulti-- Deadline.

Okay, so I wouldn't have signed up for it

if you hadn't freaked on Tyler's news.

- -Hello?

David! What's up, what's up, what's up!

Tyler, you are wasted. Sarah.

Oh, damn. How'd you know, my brother?

- -The faux urban street slang.

-Nigger, please! -What time is it back there,

like, 2:00?

You know this city never sleeps. You ought to be countin'

on your sheep.

Hey, listen, man. I met the most amazing woman.

-She is-- -Fly?

Better than fly, man. She's super fly.

What'd I tell you about drinking and dating?

Why don't you go to bed and sleep her off?

-Dude, we're gettin' married! -What?

You got to meet her, man.

-You and Sarah. She's like-- -Super fly?

She's better than super fly, man.

She's the one. You know how they say you can just tell?

David? Yo, you still there, bitch?

Yeah, I'm here. I'm just--

This is it, man. It just hit me, you know?

It was like a blinding realization, like pure truth.

Anyway, you and Sarah got to meet her.

You're gonna love her.

Her name's Julie. She's sweet. She's beautiful.

She's choco-licious.

- -Tyler? Hello? Tyler? You okay?

- -Sounds like true love.

So, you are leaving me alone to deal with this for two months?

You need to be alone to deal with this,

which is why I strongly advise you against

consulting with Mike.

Bellissimo. Magnifico.

You are so hot.

You beast.

Is that Ricky Martin over there?

God, no. That's Mike Hanson.

You're beautiful. Hey. Shh. Modesty now. Modesty.

I love you. Shh, shh, shh! No words.

No, I'm not. Yes, I am.

Don't do it. I'm doin' it.

Don't do it. I did it.

- I'd do me. -

Oh, man! The teste tuck again?

Do you like what you see?

-No? -Would you put on some clothes?

We only got two hours of happy hour left.

Okay, let me just get my towel, okay?

- -Oh, got it. There we go.

You got issues. I mean, real issues.

He may be your friend, but he's no Deepak Chopra.

He is also not running off to New York.

Use this time to make an informed decision,

or none of this will mean anything.

I can't let this not mean anything.

Whoo, boy. So you love her, right?

-Of course I love her. -Well, there you go.

Let's not get carried away here, guys.

No one's doubting your love for each other, all right?

A blind man could smell your love.

-But this is a major-- -Huge.

No, colossal thing you're considering here.

As your friend it's my duty to ask

the tough questions, okay?

What? -Sex?

Sex is still good?

Yeah, the sex is awesome. Look, I've got no complaints

with what we have.

It'd be a lot easier if I did.

There's got to be something. You waited five years.

-So what is this? -It's nothing.

Let's just drop it.

We're your friends. We want

to help you, but we can't do it unless you let us in!

-It's no one thing, all right? -Okay!

There's a lot of factors in this kind of situation.

So, what is it? Give us one.

-Other women, all right? -You've had other women?

How many?

I'm not quite sure that I've had enough.

That's ridiculous. How many is enough?

-It's twice your age. -Oh, shit. Really?

Hey, Mike. It's not about quantity. It's about quality.

Oh, eat me.

What's wrong with going for both quality and quantity?

Oh, yeah. Be the best you can be.

That's the American way.

Whoo!

Foul. -Foul?

-That's foul. -What foul?

Humping. Before the shot, you were humping me.

-Oh, I was humping you? -Prison style.

Yeah, whatever. If I was humping you, you'd know it.

-Would I? -Yeah, you'd know it.

You'd feel it if I was. I wasn't humping you.

Deep, right? Yep.

A little help?

The thing is, I never expected to feel empowered.

For better or for worse, something is set into motion,

and I set it off.

God. Am I a manipulative bitch or what?

Welcome to my world.

You should feel empowered. It wasn't easy,

but it had to be done.

What was the alternative? To keep waiting?

It's not like the sex gets better with every

passing year, right?

I'm sorry that was so quick.

-I'm kind of beat. -That's okay.

Orgasms are overrated anyway.

Hey, South Park's on.

Look, you had the courage to look him

in the eye and say,

"Buddy boy, it's time to shit or get off the pot."

And marrying me would be the shit part of

that colorful analogy? Thanks.

Okay. I'll be right back.

I'm sorry. I don't get it. Sarah's hot, man.

Behind every good-looking chick is a guy

who's tired of nailing her.

-Am I right, Davey? -No, you're wrong, asshole.

So who's missing from your repertoire?

Cowgirls, Wilderchicks, the Amish, what?

It's not like that. Let's just drop it,

all right?

Do you guys believe in "the one"?

As in one soul mate, a perfect match that

completes us, makes us whole?

-Exactly. -Hell, no.

I don't know. But if there

is such a thing and Sarah's it, then that means it's inevitable.

-It's a lock, right? It's like destiny.

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, so if it's inevitable, why rush into it?

You're still not telling us everything.

Of course I'm not. You're my friends.

It's stupid.

-Come on! Help us help you. -Please, man.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you guys a little story.

I have never told anyone this...

before... ever.

When I was 18 years old,

my family and I were flying home

from a vacation we took in the Caribbean.

- -It was a fun time.

- -Very nice vacation, Club Med.

We were in line to get on board,

when I happened to glance over to the gate across from us,

and that's when I saw... her.

She glowed.

There was, like, a light all around her.

It was blinding.

I swear I have never felt anything

that powerful before or since.

Something about her sucked me away from that plane

and drew me right back to her.

There she was.

With a strength I wish I still possessed,

I floated towards her.

I introduced myself and told her how I felt.

I gave her my address

and told her if she felt it, too, she should write me.

Young blood had him some balls.

I had no choice. I was being driven

by a higher power.

Call it the lightning bolt. Call it a connection,

destiny.

-So did she write you? -Not at first.

Every day I checked that mailbox.

I checked all that summer, and nothing.