American Housewife

Second Breakfast.

My safe place... a place I can complain

about my husband and bitch about my children.

It's cheaper than therapy, and there's pancakes.

And there are my best friends, who listen to me,

give me advice, and keep me from driving

my car into the lake.

What am I talking about? The kids are too big now.

They will just wrestle the steering wheel away from me.

I have a big problem.

- Ah. - Oliver's taller than me.

- Are you guys listening? - Yeah, yeah.

Anna-Kat's weird. Oliver likes money.

I didn't say any of that.

- Oh. - Taylor's dumb?

No! Oliver is taller than me!

I like to look down at him when I'm yelling.

"Because I said so" doesn't have the same impact

when I'm staring up at his nostrils.

- - I know.

Hello?!

I'm workshopping a problem here.

Sorry, we're a little distracted.

Oh, Angela's hot new girlfriend, Jane,

has an even hotter brother named Charlie.

Mm-hmm. We went fancy bowling last night.

Jane scored a perfect game.

And Charlie scored big, too! Up top!

You had a fun night.

Glad we covered that. So, Oliver...

You know, Charlie and Doris really hit it off.

Oh, he hit it, all right.

- Mm-hmm. - Boom-shaka-laka!

You think you're going on a second date?

Oh, yeah. We're gonna go hiking

- with them tomorrow morning. - Mm.

We might be a little late for Second Breakfast.

Late?!

You're late for your kid's music recital,

not Second Breakfast!

This is important.

How about you come hiking with us?

- Yeah. - Absolutely not.

Hiking is on my "no" list.

No hiking, no nutmeg, no fake-ass veggie meat.

But I remember you saying you liked it.

Before I knew I was being tricked.

Mm-hmm.

Delicious, fake-ass veggie meat.

Hey, guys. How was school?

- Eh. - Eh.

- - Terrific.

- - Oh.

Mustard?!

Well, I'm sorry you don't like the mustard

on my sandwich.

Don't be sorry. Just don't do it again.

- Mm. - Dad, I had an awesome day.

We got our Popsicle-stick project assignments.

I got Fort Trumbull.

Fort Trumbull! Built in 1777!

A fortification to protect the government of Connecticut!

How exciting!

Popsicle-stick projects are a milestone

in any child's life.

Taylor, remember the Popsicle-stick

- Brooklyn Bridge we made together? - Nope.

And, Oliver, remember we had such a blast

making our Popsicle-stick U.N. headquarters?

Nope.

Well, I got an "A" on both of them.

I'm gonna go do some research.

Well, this is gonna be great!

And your mom called me a weirdo because I had

people from work bring in their used Popsicle sticks.

You know they sell them at Michaels for, like,

one dollar for a thousand.

I did not.

- Hi! - Hi, honey.

Ooh, a snack!

Mustard. Who likes mustard?

I do! The guy who made the sandwich!

I'm gonna eat this in my office.

Ugh.

Wait, come back here. Let's go back-to-back.

Again?

Taylor, who's taller?

Oliver. Still.

Damn it!

I've outgrown you, woman. Deal with it.

Go pick up Luther's poop in the front yard.

Are you punishing me for being taller than you?

Yes, I am.

And now I'm punishing you for pointing out

how ridiculous that is.

It's Taylor's turn to pick up poop.

No way! I did it yesterday!

Oh, look who thinks she can keep track of days now.

Okay. Here's how it's gonna go down...

both of you are doing it together

for the rest of the week.

That is so unfair!

Well, you should have thought about that before

you let your brother get taller than me.

You're insane.

I'm a mother of three! Of course I'm insane!

So, I've boiled and sterilized my coworkers' Popsicle sticks.

You know you can get them at Michaels for like...

I know. I've heard.

Next, we draw up a blueprint.

I'll need a dozen sharpened pencils,

a few yards of waterproof vellum paper,

and one Oreo.

Not for the project. I've just been good today.

Thanks for your help, Dad, but I got this.

You want to make the fort by yourself?

But we were such a good team when we made

our Berlin Wall out of German egg noodles.

Which look just like normal egg noodles, but we knew.

We knew.

Aah, I can't say no to that face.

Such soft, delicate features, like an old, sick woman.

It's your turn, and you know it.

Boy, first thing in the morning, you look like...

hmm, well, what we're putting in these bags.

Me? Look at you.

Nice shirt.

Thanks. Some guy shot me in the face with it

at a Knicks game.

Oh.

Wait, was that the...?

Street Pics Car?

They just took our picture!

But my clothes!

My hair!

We're gonna look like this on Street Pics forever!

We actually look worse than the house,

which I didn't think was possible.

We need to find that car and make sure that photo

never sees the light of day.

What are we gonna do? Run after it?

In my panda slippers?

- Think of something! - You think of something!

Oh, wait, I'll think of something.

Okay if we borrow these chairs?

Actually, they're taken.

My friends are just running late.

They should be here any minute.

I'm not alone.

I'm just waiting for my friends.

Are your kids taller than you?

Hi. Are you here by yourself?

Apparently I am.

But I guess if you would like to join...

This is a downside to how popular I was in high school.

I am completely unprepared for this situation.

Do I flip the table or just leave?

Just leave.

And... done!

Fort Trumbull is complete!

Let's wait for the glue to dry,

and I'll paint the cardboard to look more like a lawn.

Or... and here's a really great idea...

we put fake grass down to make it look more authentic.

I think I just want to paint it.

I used fake grass on Oliver's project,

and we got extra credit.

His teacher said it was "well done" and "unnecessary."

Painting is fine.

It'll look way better with turf.

Besides, it gives me a reason to go to the Hobby Shop.

I like to go to the miniature section

and pretend I'm a giant.

It really brings the store down.

They dumped me for a stupid hike with Jane and Charlie.

I have things I have to talk to them about...

Oliver getting taller, "The Bachelor."

You can talk to me.

I can't talk to you about "The Bachelor."

You're all, "Who's paying for all these dates?

The helicopter budget alone must be insane."

You ruin it, Greg.

I'm just saying, one day the helicopters won't be there.

And what is this couple left with?

Hard marital work.

How could Doris and Angela stand me up?

Second Breakfast is sacred!

I know it sucks you got stood up,

but it sounds like you might be overreacting.

You know, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this situation.

With Angela and Doris?

No, with Oliver.

You're tall, now he's getting tall.

I should have married Bobby Hudson.

Who?

My high-school boyfriend. He's 5'6".

He would have guaranteed me Hobbit children.

Okay, instead of taking your frustrations out on me,

why don't you tell Doris and Angela