Love

Hey, Gus.

I saw your Instagram and I figured you might come here, so I...

I'm, um... I just wanted to say...

- Jesus, Mickey, come on... - Just, I just want to apologize to you

'cause I know I fucked everything up and I'm really sorry,

and I haven't been honest with you.

There's a lot of stuff that I didn't tell you about myself, um...

I'm an addict.

I'm, uh... I'm a drug addict and I'm an alcoholic

and I'm a sex and love addict and I...

I think I need to just be by myself for maybe, like, a year

and try and figure this shit out, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry to you

because you were a great guy and I really had such a good time with you

and maybe in a year,

if you're willing,

I would love to get maybe a coffee with you and...

- No! - What?

No, dude, I just told you that I wanted to be alone.

Sorry. I just...

Sorry. I don't know.

I think that guy wants you to move.

I think you're blocking him in or something.

Fine! I'm moving it. Calm down.

- You fucking... - Mickey!

- Mickey! - What?

Wait, wait.

Dude! Relax!

Can we talk about this?

Can we just go somewhere and talk about this?

Just get in the car!

- Oh, shit! Stop. - What?

- What? - I forgot my snacks.

- Just leave 'em! - I spent like $30...

- Oh, my God, hurry up! - Okay, I'll be right back.

Forgot my snacks. Just...

Hey, you moron, there's another exit right there,

why don't you just go?

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

- You want a snack? - No.

You like Twix?

Um, also got, uh, some Sour Patch Kids, some...

Got one of these...

kind of weird ice cream sandwich things.

Why do you have so many snacks?

Did, like, a fifth-grade class invite you over for their slumber party?

No. I guess... I guess I'm just eating my feelings.

That's too many feelings, dude.

I'd take a Sour Patch Kid.

Okay.

All righty, cool.

So, um, you wanna talk about the stuff you were telling me?

What stuff?

You know, like...

what you're going through, you know,

being an addict and everything like that.

I don't know. I feel like I told you what I wanted to say.

I thought you wanted to tell me something.

No, I just... Yeah, I mean, I guess I just figured since...

I kissed you, like, right after you told me,

I didn't really give you an opportunity to... unpack it.

So... just letting you know, uh, I'm here to listen.

What are you doing? Are you hitting on me? Don't.

No.

I don't know what you expect. I don't want to have sex.

Yeah, I... I don't wanna have sex either. I guess I just...

So you don't wanna talk about this?

I told you that I wanted to be alone. What else is there to say?

Right. Okay.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a bitch. I just want this day to be over.

- I wanna put on my house pants. - Okay. Well...

I'll get out of here then. You know, just call an Uber to pick me up.

- Perfect. - Okay.

Yes. Okay.

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Oh!

- Hey! - Huh?

- I'm freaking out! - Do you hear that?

Is that...

That is Bertie having sex.

- Yeah! Yeah! - Okay.

She's really going at it.

This is so weird. When I picked her as a roommate,

I specifically thought that I would never have to hear her having sex.

That's one of the reasons I picked her.

- Yes! - Who's she with?

What's his name? He's your friend, um...

- My friend? - What's his name? Randy.

My Randy?

Yeah. You don't know about this?

I mean, I saw them talking at my party and he...

I mean, he's a cool guy. I get it, but...

- Too fast. Okay. - Shut... shut up.

- Yes. - Is he okay?

I don't think so.

- Yeah, I don't... I don't wanna hear this. - Mnh-mnh.

I shouldn't know what my friend sounds like when he's having sex.

I'd rather hear him screaming while he burned in a fire.

I'll be right back. Just get some water.

Oh, shit! Uh, hey.

- Hi. - Hey.

Uh, I... I didn't know you were here.

- Oh. - Oh, you... you were here?

Uh, yeah, I was just back in my room listening to, uh... um, a TED Talk.

TED Talk. Cool. Very cool.

- Yeah, it was about city infrastructure. - Ooh.

I love TED Talks.

It sounds like a good one.

- Yeah. - Okay. That's great. So, I'm gonna...

go back to my room then, 'cause, you know...

- Yeah. - Bertie? You got a beer?

- Whoa! Oh, hey, Gus. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey, Randy.

- Hey. - Mickey.

- Mickey. Hey. - Yeah.

Sorry to surprise you here. We didn't...

- We didn't mean to... - Oh, it's cool.

Okay.

What are you, uh...

Phew!

Sorry.

- I'm just super out of breath. Uh... - Oh. It's okay.

How long have you guys been here?

They just got home, and they didn't know we were here.

Okay. Right. Right.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Right. We were, uh...

- We were moving around some furniture... - Shush. No. No.

Uh...

We were having sex.

- It's fine. - Oh, it's okay.

I know I can get pretty loud,

and, uh, I think that's because I have such a hard time

expressing my emotions in real life,

so then, uh, when I'm making love, I just really let it all out,

like, screaming and stuff.

- That's cool. - Yeah.

Right on. Let it fly. Uh, no judgments here. No.

- Yeah. - That's why I'm out of breath.

You know what? Are you hungry? Let's get some food.

Yeah. I'm gonna... We're gonna get some food.

- Okay. - All right. Hey.

Whoa.

- Whoops. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, that's okay. - So sorry.

Jesus! I never wanted this night to go on this long.

I just wanted to tell you my deal and then just go home.

Your deal with, um, Sex Anonymous?

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. SLAA. Yeah.

So what's the deal with that? Is it like a...

a rule of theirs that you can't have sex for a year, or...

You're not not allowed to do anything. It's not a cult.

Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's more about learning how to not pig out on sex and love and relationships.

Right. It's like the Atkins Diet but instead of carbs, it's sex.

This is actually serious.

No. I know and I was not trying to make fun of it.

It was like a point of comparison, of...

Yeah. I don't know.

I just feel like, for me,

I just need to take a year off and get my head on straight.

That's good. That's cool. Good for you.

Thank you.

And, you know, just so... you know, for the record or whatever...

I know I was being a dick there,

like when you showed up at my party and...

on the lot that day and the whole Heidi thing.

Yeah. The whole Heidi thing. That was a trip.

Which is over, by the way. It's, like, done.

- None of my business. - Right. Right.

Honestly, I'm just not that equipped to deal with a situation where I'm...

juggling women or whatever, you know. I'm not Warren Beatty.

Not even Ned Beatty.

I guess I was worried that if after we had sex,

I started texting you or calling you, you would just be like,

"Who is this fucking dork?"

Dude, you took me to the Magic Castle. I already knew you were a dork.

Yeah.

And look, I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry I showed up at your work and freaked out in front of everybody.

God, I really lost it.

It's really not a big deal.

- You done? - Yes.

- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

- All right. Here you are. - Okay.

- Thank you for the ride. - Yeah. Oh, just...

- as an FYI... - Mmm-hmm.

even though I'm taking a year off dating,

I still wanna be friends.

- Oh, yeah. Totally. Me, too. - Okay.

Okay.

- You okay? You're a little squirmy there. - Yeah. I just really have to pee.

Oh.

Would... Do you wanna come in? Use my restroom?

Um, okay, but then I'm gonna... I'm gonna head out after that.

Oh. Of course. Yes. Definitely.

Okay.

It's weird that you call your bathroom a restroom.

I know!

While I was saying that, I was like, "That's weird."

- Thanks for letting me use your bathroom. - Yeah. You're welcome.

Why do you have this ugly,

giant piece of pasta hanging from your wall?