Friday Night Dinner

Hello?

Hi, Dad.

Move out of the way, please!

Nice to see you too.

Er, hello?

Hi. Hi.

What's with the music?

Mum, flowers on the side or on the table?

Table.

OK.

Flowers on the table?

Yeah, excuse me! Put the flowers on the...

I'm doing it.

Hello, Dad. God, Dad looks smart.

Jonny, can you... Oh, hi, Adam.

Can you open a bottle of wine, please?

Sure.

A nice bottle!

Right.

A nice bottle?

Um, what is physically happening?

What's...

Why are there Mum's posh bowls?

A single rose?

And... is that somebody playing the lute?

Is the Lord Mayor coming or something?

No, not the Lord Mayor. Red or white?

Red!

Wait a minute... there are five knives and forks there.

Why are there five?

Are there? One, two, three, four, five. Oh, yeah!

So who's...

Move!

Sorry, why is the house like bloody Hampton Court all of a sudden?

Who is coming round?

The house looks nice, doesn't it? Don't eat any more bread.

Yes, it's very nice but...

Doesn't Mum's hair look lovely?

Ah, thanks, darling!

OK, in a moment I am literally going to puncture one of your lungs!

Put that down!

Jeez, is that the door?

I'll get it.

Who is it?

I'll get it!

Just tell me who it is!

Promise me you won't get annoyed?

You are so going to love this.

Hello, Tanya. Oh, you look nice.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, it's Tanya Green?

I can't believe it! She's invited Tanya Green round?

Yep.

For dinner?

Er, dinner date.

What?

A dinner date. In front of your entire family.

You've met Martin.

Yes, hello.

Pardon?

Hello.

Yes, hello.

This is Jonny.

I'm the cool one.

Hi.

And this is my eldest son, Adam.

Hello.

Hello.

Do you remember Adam, at all?

Um, not very well.

He is quite forgettable.

Thank you.

Tanya's joining us for Friday night dinner, isn't that nice?

Yes, very. Um, Mum, can we just...

Aren't you going to give her a kiss then?

What?

A kiss hello.

Go on.

Um...

Excuse my son - no manners.

It's OK!

He's just very shy.

OK, shall we um...?

Mum, can we just...

Jonny, take Tanya's coat, would you? One sec, love.

What?

Why didn't you tell me Tanya Green was invited?

What?

Why didn't you tell me Tanya Green was coming?

I did tell you.

No you didn't.

Didn't I?

You know you bloody didn't!

Er, we can all sort of hear you.

Coming!

Stop it, Adam!

OK, right.

Lovely. So, Tanya, if you'd like to come through?

Thank you.

Yes, move along, move along. Females first.

Yep, females first.

If you sit over there and, Adam, if you sit...

No, Martin.

What?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm meant to sit over there, yes!

No, you're meant to sit next to...

Tanya.

Brilliant.

Go on, Adam, sit down.

Hello.

Hello again.

There.

Isn't this nice?

Thanks again for inviting me.

Pleasure.

It's funny because I didn't know you were coming at all, did I, Mum?

Mmm? Crisp?

Ooh, thank you.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Oh, your bloody phone!

All right!

So rude.

How's Mum?

Fine. She sends her love.

Ahh. And Dad?

Good.

Dickwad.

What?

Um, nothing.

Have you, er, travelled far?

Sorry, have I travelled far?

Dad's from 18th century.

Martin, she's Joan's daughter. They live in Elstree.

A tree?

Amazing.

In Elstree!

Yes, in Elstree but in a tree!

Hasn't she got a lovely sense of humour?

Yes.

The last time me and Adam were together we were in our nappies.

Ahh.

And he's wearing them tonight.

Very good.

I think the last time you were together was in the bath.

Mum!

What?

Oh, you two were so sweet back then, like two little buttons!

Please!

Where are the baby photos?

Ooh, the baby photos!

Tanya doesn't want to see the baby photos.

Doesn't she? You want to see the baby photos, don't you, Tanya?

Oh, yeah, I love old photos.

Hmm, they're here somewhere.

Ooh, excuse me.

Martin!

Nice one, Dad.

Sorry, Tanya.

I think I ate too much parsley.

Parsley? When were you eating parsley?

Hmm?

I'm going to go and get a drink. Anyone...

Here they are!

Great.

Oh, look!

Oh, my God, I look like a potato!

You don't look like a potato! You were a beautiful baby!

Oh, I love this one.

Me in the bath. Good. Excellent.

Why are you standing up?

He was always standing in the bath - such an exhibitionist.

OK, does Tanya really have to see my... you know...

Little button?

Right, I'm going to go, um, Mum? Mum?

One minute, love.

Oh, look, more bath time!

More standing up!

Lovely girl!

What are you doing?

What am I doing? Oh, I'm going.

Going? Don't be so stupid!

I'm not being stupid, I'm going home.

You're bloody not. No, take that off!

Get off me!

Let go of me!

No, I will not let go! What is wrong with you? She's a lovely girl.

Lovely girl.

Can't believe you're doing this to me!

Do what to you?

Jonny, don't leave Dad with her, he'll start talking about Isaac Newton.

He also invented, er, the first practical reflecting telescope.

Right.

So, you just phoned her up and asked her round, like, all on her own?

Yes, what's wrong with that?

What and you just happened to have her number?

Yes, her mobile. Val gave it to me. Oh, isn't she a lovely girl?

Please stop saying what a lovely girl she is?

She is a lovely girl. Ow!

You really don't know how embarrassing this is!

We do.