Bob's Burgers

Two more pages.

Oh, I don't think I'm gonna make it.

One word at a time, sweetie. Push through.

- I need water. Oh! - What's going on?

Louise is reading Old Yeller.

I believe it's pronounced "old yellow."

Uh, why?

I mean, I wish I wasn't asking

why one of my kids is reading a book, but I am.

It's for a school read-a-thon.

If the entire student body reads 500 books,

we earn a trip to Wetty, Set, Go water park.

Oh. Is that place back open?

I thought it was closed because of the...

The kid who lost a finger?

The diarrhea in the wave pool?

- Fake lifeguards? - The flesh-eating bacteria?

- Yes, all of those. - No, it's back open.

Everybody, quiet!

Yeller's got rabies, so a vet's probably

about to come and cure him, and that'll be that.

- Oh, God. - I don't think that's what happ...

Ah! Holy crap!

- Yeah, sorry. - Yeah.

This is why I don't read.

And by the end, the pigs are

walking on their hind legs, and callin' all the shots.

The dream of an animal utopia is over.

Count it.

Charlotte totally dies,

and then I used the book to kill a spider

and that, like, really made me think.

Count it.

Ahh! Someone come quick!

And so, apparently, in all children's literature,

a really nice animal dies in the end.

And that is not cool, Reading.

- Not cool. - Yeah, you said it, honey.

Well, put it on the board, because that's 500.

Wetty, Set, Go, here we come.

Attention! There has been a grisly crime

committed in my office.

My therapy dolls have been mutilated.

Dude, what?

- (dramatic music) - Whoa.

B.O. Theo, Lynn-Secure, Pierre Pressure...

Some of the others I'll have to identify from yarn records.

Wasn't ready to see that. Oh, boy.

What sick, twisted, but really creative kid did this?

For all I know, you did, Louise.

No, no, no. This wasn't me.

This is cray-cray... cray.

- It's three crays. - What I do know is,

there will be no trip to the water park,

until the fiend who did this is caught or comes forward.

- No way! - No!

Come on!

Sorry.

I'm self-medicating with a soothing

Caramel Chamomile from the new pod coffee machine

in the teachers lounge.

I wondered why you smelled like my aunt.

Yeah, you smell just like his aunt.

Yes, I've heard this before, I smell like your aunt, yes.

You know what? This whole thing

has kind of a Millie touch.

Remember those homemade "presents"

she put in my locker?

Millie!

Millie is the one student I know didn't do it.

She's at home this week recovering

from an extensive orthodontia procedure.

Why didn't she wait till she's in her 40s to get braces?

Like Gwen Stefani.

Can't believe I read for nothing!

I want that water park.

Maybe Mr. Frond will catch whoever did it.

Him? He couldn't catch his butt with two hands.

We got to solve this ourselves.

Take some pictures, gather some evidence...

Put the evidence in little baggies, label the baggies,

put the baggies in an evidence locker.

But where are we gonna get little baggies?!

Hey, guys. You know Janine,

from the stationary store?

- Hi. - Sure. How's it going over there?

Great, right?

People are never gonna stop buying birthday cards.

- Actually, people have stopped buying birthday cards. - Oh.

But I still sell a lot of staples and paperclips.

The Internet can't hold two pieces of paper together.

- Not yet. - Janine and I have news.

We're partners. Not romantic partners.

- Right? No. - Mm-mm.

- No, we are not. - No, we're not.

Teddy and I are going into the inspirational poster business.

Oh, I love those posters.

That baby with the spaghetti on his head.

That got me through my thirties.

Yeah, it's a funny story how it all came together.

I was up on a ladder fixing Janine's ceiling fan

and I fell onto a bunch of erasers.

Oh, that's kind of lucky. Soft erasers.

They were on a glass shelf.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, so that broke.

And under that were X-Acto knives.

- Pointed up. - Oh.

Still don't know why you store 'em that way.

- It's a display, it looks better. - Right.

So I was lying there bleeding somewhat heavily,

and I said to myself, "Shake it off,

today is tomorrow's yesterday."

And I said, "Hey, Shakespeare,

that would go great on a poster."

Turns out Janine's been taking pictures for years,

just waiting for the perfect poster phrase.

- I've got beaches, I've got clouds... - Yeah.

I've got a monkey holding a banana like a phone.

Who's he calling?

It's fun to imagine, right?

Eh... Michael Jackson.

We finally settled on a sunrise.

Or maybe it's a sunset, we don't know.

The sun was in my eyes, I couldn't tell.

And I was high.

So we printed up 1,000, and here we are.

- 1,000 sounds like a lot. - Bob!

- We already sold one. - Great. To, to who?

Well, to you, right? Don't you want one?

- Of course we want one. - Uh, uh...

- I want one. - Yeah, sure.

- We'll take two. - Wait, why would we want two

of the same poster?

'Cause what if we both want to look at it?

I want to look at it.

Two coming right up. One, two.

Okay, what do we know?

We know a psycho did this.

We just have to get in the head of a psycho.

Too bad we're not Millie. Not that she's psycho,

but she's, you know, psychish.

Tina, that's it!

Wait, we are Millie?

I knew it.

No, she can be our psycho-sultant.

Louise! Is that really you?

Yep. Wait, you know who I am?

I guess I should know my daughter's best friend.

I only see your face every time I turn around.

Gosh, I've heard everything about you.

Bob and Linda, the restaurant, Teddy the handyman...

We're Gene and Tina.

- Sorry, who? - Um, the siblings.

- Come again? - Gene and Tina.

No.

Can we go up and see Millie?

Last room on the left.

Don't give her gum or hard candy.

Nothing pointy that she might use to pry off her headgear.

And don't get too close,

the braces make her spit a little.

Hi, Louise.

Hi, Millie. You're in my room,

you're in my room, you're in my room.

Yeah... Oh, my God.

Hey, Louise, Millie's room is exactly like your room.

That's definitely cute and not creepy.

Anyway, uh, we just wondered how you were feeling.

No, how are you feeling, Louise?

Your voice sounds strained.

You've been yelling about something, I can tell.

- Bad news at school? - Wow, she's good.

Someone has hard candy.

Gene, give it to her. (groans)

Well, Millie, I would like... your help.

- (gasps) - Somebody, not you,

but, you know, maybe kind of like you,

chopped up Mr. Frond's therapy dolls

and got the water park trip canceled.

Oh, no. I read Old Yeller for that trip.

- Oh, did you? - Mm-hmm.

Here are some pictures of the crime scene.

They're not touch screen, they're just pictures.

Not that anyone thought they were... touch screen.

Okay, I've got some ideas, and I'd be glad to help.

- As a friend. - Great.

But friends play together, Louise.

I'll help you, in exchange for play dates.

I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

I really want to scratch your back, Louise.

No! That's extortion, Millie.

Get out of my room.

It's my room, Louise.

: It's my room!

Fine, I'll do it.

Don't leave me alone with her.

Um, what about us, Millie?

There's a trampoline in the back.

Go bounce and stay out of our way,

not-Louise girl, not-Louise boy.