Nuked

(BRIGHT, WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, hello, hello!

Welcome to the show where we talk

about all the stuff in marriages

that no one else will,

and usually in a graphic manner.

I'm your loyal host, Gill, with a G, Langer,

and I will be your guide on this journey

of self-discovery.

We have one of our favorite guests joining us.

She's definitely one of my favorites.

You know her. You love her.

That's right, folks. Dr. Greta.

She is back to teach us

how to talk dirty in the bedroom.

And can I just say that I am so ready?

Because if I have to have any more scheduled sex

in order to make a baby,

somebody's gonna lose their fucking mind,

and that someone is me.

Make me your little fucking cum slut.

Oh my God.

-(GILL, ECHOING) Yeah! -(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

...fucking me. Oh, fuck!

(JACK AND GILL MOANING INTENSELY)

If that didn't make a baby, I don't know what will.

That was good, right?

It was, uh...

That dirty talk was new.

Yeah, I learned it from the sexologist

that we had on the show last week.

What'd you think?

-I think, uh... -(GIGGLES)

...a sexologist is

not a real thing.

-(LAUGHS) -Hey!

It totally is too a real profession.

-Oh yeah? (LAUGHS) -(GROANS)

What'd she major in in school?

Doggy style?

Yeah, probably cunnilingus and other things.

Okay.

January 13th,

three-ish.

Jack has been consumed with sex to get pregnant,

so I thought I would spice it up a little bit

with some dirty talk

courtesy of Dr. Greta from episode 24.

I thought it was hot.

Jack seemed a little confused.

Not confused. The only confusing part was

how my wife of 20 years

turned into a cum slut.

Jack is normally a little more...

-reserved in bed. -Gill!

Can you wrap it up? They're gonna be here any minute.

It's my job. I'll be done in a second.

-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) -(SHOWER RUNNING)

Oh! Shit, that's hot.

Don't burn your pussy.

Oh, too late.

Hey, what are you doing?

Huh? What are you talking about?

Where is the outfit?

Oh, I'm not wearing that.

No, Jack...

-You promised. -(JACK SCOFFS)

I'll look ridiculous.

No, you won't.

You'll look hot.

-(SMACKS) -(JACK SIGHS)

You think the chef heard us?

No way! This house is huge!

You're walking so fast. I can't move in these things.

Now you know how I feel when I wear Spanx.

Beauty is pain, baby.

How do people wear these?

Look like...

Enrique Iglesias's accountant.

Okay, let's just get a quick selfie...

-Oh, yeah. -...in front of the sign.

Oh, wait a minute, hold on. Let me just get this.

-A little... There we go. -What are you doing?

-No! -No, come on.

They want us together wearing their shit,

looking hot, so...

Oh, you can't post this, sweetie.

Yes, I have to post this, sweetie.

No, no, no.

Come on, just give me one. Give me one good one.

-I know you got it in you. -My students are gonna see.

-Looking great. Crushing it. -All right, you got it.

Okay, which one do you like?

Uh... what?

This one. Great?

-Great. -Yes? Loving it.

-Do it. -Okay, fine.

Thought you were taking the night off.

I am gonna take the night off.

I just, you know, the night hasn't started yet,

and I need to post a photo really quickly.

-Right. -Posting...

I have to do this really quickly.

Happy birthday. Posted.

-There you are. -Hi.

Just wanted to have a, you know, moment

just with my beautiful wife.

You know what I was thinking about today?

-What? -When I first saw you,

20 years ago,

across the bar at the El Sombrero...

Oh!

...and how I knew right away

that in 20 years,

I would still be looking at you.

Oh my God!

Twenty years! Can you believe it?

Yeah,

I can,

'cause I love you.

I love you.

-Happy birthday. -Happy birthday.

God...

that was so sweet.

I mean, I'm just a great guy.

-Can you do that again? -What do you mean?

-What? -For the birthday episode?

-Gilly... -Come on, just a quick video.

-The moment has passed. -That was beautiful, honey.

-Please. I want to record it. -It was a real thing.

I want everybody to see how wonderful that was.

-I gotta brush my teeth. -What?

Didn't you just brush your teeth?

-(CYMBAL CRASHES) -(MUSIC STOPS)

What the fuck?

-Hello? -Oh, God. Oh, God.

Is this a surprise party? You know I hate surprises.

No, I would not do that to you.

-I know. -They're supposed to be here.

Hey, we should, uh,

we should try not to overshare tonight, okay?

Oh, by "we," you mean "me"?

Yes, I mean you, you silly little...

-Do I? -Mm-hmm.

-You know what I hate? -No.

Patio furniture.

-This is perfect. -Why is there no furniture?

-Oh, guys! -(LAUGHTER)

-Hi! -Happy birthday!

Oh my God!

It's so good to see you.

-Happy birthday. -(LAUGHING)

You guys look so great.

-Thank you for coming. -You too.

Come on in. (LAUGHS)

-Wow! -Do you love it?

Oh! Got brick?

I know. We got so much brick.

Where did you find this place?

I found it through this incredible rental company,

and the show gave me a stipend for the party.

What?! Wow!

The podcast must be doing really well.

-Yeah. -Congratulations. (LAUGHS)

-(SCREAMING) -Oh, God!

-Oh! -Oh, boy! Come here!

What?! Look at this... Let me... Oh.

-(JACK) Hey, guys. -Hugging royalty. Look at you.

Wow. Happy birthday, Jack.

Thank you.

-What's up, guys? -(GILL) Tell him.

-He looks good, right? -Incredible color, confidence.

Look at the leather pants.

Oh... I can see your penis.

-Oh. -There it is. Right there.

Slightly to the right

and, uh, presenting the appetizers.

Oh, hello. (LAUGHS)

How many cows died to create these pants?

No, they're actually vegan leather.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm lactose-intolerant.

Here, just give it a feel. Like...

-Come on. Step into my hand. -It's so real.

-Who wants a drink? -Let's get a drink.

Let's get a drink.

-Look at this spread! -I know, it's great, right?

-May I? Thank you. -Yes.

I cannot believe we're 40!