Pushers

This programme contains strong language and adult themes

If I ask Leo out, you've gotta ask Jo out. Deal? No. It's like, illegal.

Shagging your boss is like the least illegal of all

the illegal crimes.

Tomorrow night. Put it out there.

I can't tomorrow.

Why, what you got on? Bubble bath and a megawank?

It's 25 years since my mum died.

Probs skip the megawank then.

Me and my dad always make her signature dish.

Cheese sandwiches.

She wasn't that much of a cook.

Speed bump!

Why're you slowing down?

Gotta be extra careful ever since I got banned from driving

for 15 years.

When was that? Last week.

Yes, mate. Yeah, it's been ages, man.

You saw the dance videos?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just like...

..I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, a tiktacker now.

I got out early. Thank you, Sir Kier!

Yeah, erm...

..but, but, but what if...?

OK, yeah, yeah.

My mate Paul's a bit furious I didn't call him

a couple of months back, cos I owe him 20 grand.

And now I've got till tomorrow, mid-day,

to pay him or he's gonna cut me knob off.

Just a nice matey catch up then?

I don't have access to those kinda funds,

cos it's all tied up in my investment thingy.

Shoes for dogs.

Untapped market - double the feet.

This is all very, very bad news for my knob.

Hey, is that Sean swinging a little baby

around by his tiny ankles?

SINGING

You are my favourite gnome! Joseph.

Bang! Argh! Fucking bum-head.

Oh, I thought I was interviewing Emily?

Why? My charity.

This is Craig Dawkins,

Editor in Chief of Yakka Brack.

For the purpose of this tape, would you state your name?

Calm down, Dad, you're not the police.

I'm Jo Tull-Hogg, I'm the founder of Wee CU.

Right. Tell us about the charity.

We assess workplaces to check their bathrooms adhere

to disability access regulations.

Great.

And you've recently expanded - tell me about that.

I've employed several people to assess as many

workplaces as possible.

I will not rest until every bathroom in

the land is accessible.

I perceive the world around us through a social lens.

We are impaired by its mis-design.

OK, then. Lovely.

Tell us about your funding model.

I didn't think you'd be asking so many questions.

It's me duty, love.

I'm the Emily Maitlis of the parish magazine world.

What a woman!

Hmm...

So, the funding?

It's all thanks to generous donations from the public.

Three, two, one.

And you're making a lot, are you?

Yeah.

Yeah, we are actually.

Dad, what are you doing?

Getting some sugar. It's in here, is it? Mm.

Most people are pretty cash-strapped at the moment.

Oh, there it is.

How are they affording to give you money?

Have you got any biscuits?

Yeah, course. I'll just grab them.

Jo...Jo... Jo!

Will you go out with me?

And I think that's a lovely place to finish the interview.

Thanks for your time.

So, see you tomorrow for Mum's cheese sandos?

Yeah, yeah. D'you want your cup back?

No, don't worry. We've got loads.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my God, sorry about him.

He is suffocating.

I wondered how many sets of lingerie I'd have

to order before you asked me out.

How's tomorrow night?

Erm, yeah, great.

Book somewhere bougie, somewhere intimate.

Hmm...

Jo Tull-Hogg is so fit.

Amazing.

Emily Tull-Hogg.

Emily Tull-Hogg.

I'm a little hog?

Five weeks working me bollocks off for what?

To lose it all on t'dog shoes and that tosser.

You what? I thought you said dog shoes were a solid investment?

C'mon, you lot, let's go.

These last two bricks of bugle won't sell

and snort themselves.

I need all the extra cash I can get me hands on.

And this is definitely safe?

It definitely isn't safe - we're buying spice on the dark web?

42% of murders are drug-related.

But you're more likely to be killed by a spouse.

That's why I'm single.

I forgot the cocaine.

What ya doin'?

We're ordering spice on the dark web using

an obscure cryptocurrency called 'bishonfriscoin'...

Why did you just kick me?

No fuckin' chance.

CLICKS BUY

Oops, I wobbled.

Oh, same day delivery.

We're shifting this powder and then I'm out, remember?

You've got to carry on.

Think of the money.

We're so close to the end, right, and nobody's died yet.

Fuck the money!

Spice will get us richer, faster.

Have you ever tried that shit?

I've never tried any drugs.

Not even weed?

Why, would I? I get the gist.

It's not like spice.

One go on that shite, right, and you're hooked for life.

Bit like Starbursts?

You end up vomiting yourself into a coma and then you're dead.

So, exactly like Starbursts?

If you start selling that shit round here,

Lennie Kennedy will fucking come for us.

What if you gave that spice

to your cock-chopping mate?

Would that clear your debt?

You're good.

I know.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE STARTS TO WHEEZE

HE COUGHS

Fuck doing the drop meself.

We need someone proper vulnerable.

Too pathetic to get their knob cut off.

How do we work that out?

Line them all up in a row?

Yeah.

OK.

Hiya, gang.

Can we all line up?

Most vulnerable HERE.

Least vulnerable over THERE.

Now.

No chance, Haz.

Have you seen them guns?

Bottom of the line, big fella.

Emily, swap with me.

You're way more vulnerable than me.

How d'you work that out?

You are cradling a garden gnome.

Let me get you a fucking chair, mam.

What's all this standing up bollocks for anyway?

Emily Dawkins has bought approximately two kilos of spice.

And we need someone to drop it off.

Are John Grisham books in here?

Oh? Out there. Fiction,

row two, three shelves down, six books across.

Right. OK.

Are you lot the line dancing club?

Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yes.

Five, six, seven, and...

EMILY CLAPS OUT A RHYTHM

Why doesn't she do the drop?

Her legs work. Rude.

Oh, it can't be me - tomorrow's my day off.

What do you think this is, a, a, a job?

Yes. Check the shared calendar.

Shared fucking calendar?

It's my monthly The Bill event.

I'm larping as DS Sam Nixon in Episode 422.

The one where she investigates the sale of rancid meat?

Spousal murder, yeah?

That's why you're single.

All right, I'll do it.

LAUGHTER

Fuck you!

Me and Joseph are the least vulnerable here.

Think I'll fuck it up?

I'll prove you wrong.

Em, I need this.

Over there, mate.

Really? Him?

You wanted vulnerable.

Ta-dah!

Right. Here ya go.

We should set up our own servers,