Avenue 5

We have to transform those sex bots.

They have to be absolutely convincing.

What if we connect a real Comms Link

to their prop headsets.

That is exactly the sort of idea I should have had,

if I weren't a complete fraud.

Here's an idea to get people to like you,

cocktail party. You can meet 19 people a week.

Don't people come in couples?

No, widows, widowers, priests, ugly people.

-You're not a couple. -Neither was Zeus.

I'm basically Zeus.

I would suggest everyone laughing,

hitting it off, maybe on the bridge.

This is perfect. Get some Mr. Average

to push that fake button we have for the kids.

Can I join the party? Go!

There's a rupture in the turd shield.

A real captain would be out there.

-You ready to do this? -With every fiber of my being...

No.

One, two. One, two.

Hello, I'm Jordan.

Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.

Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars,

but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed.

Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh...

-Two, two. Is this thing on? -Yeah, it's on.

No-- I know. It's a bit.

The "is this on" thing,

to imply that the audience weren't laughing.

Best thing about doing stand-up in space?

Literally no pressure.

-Is this thing on? -Yup.

No, I know it's...

And then I'll plug the beer.

And... when I first took this gig on,

they told me that I needed

enough material to cover the first half of the journey,

so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters.

Is that funny?

-Or is that too much maths? -"Math."

I can't look!

God! That's not good.

- It's shit. - It's all shit!

Hey, maybe they heard your set.

Captain, you ready to do this?

I'd always hoped that my last words

might be better than...

"Fuck me, no."

I don't know how to attach the tether.

There should be an instruction panel right in front of you.

To attach your safety tether...

-Oh, f... -...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp

to release the G Catch.

There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Well, you fucking try it.

Okay, it's a spacewalk, so...

walk.

So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at?

-The inside of my eyelids. -Ha.

Ah. There appears to be no floor.

Yes, Captain. You-- You really make this look easy.

Why is he flailing around like that? What--

-No. Look. He's upright now. -Yes.

Uh, no, just gone back.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink.

Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise?

"Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"?

-Or "come back in". -Engineering?

-Present. -Yeah, not you.

Looking at wet suit protocol three now.

Captain Courageous needs to locate

the lateral access valve where it intersects with the...

Intersects with the binary caps

from the lower deck. Did you get that?

All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here."

Find a big metal wheel and turn it off.

Estimate of her velocity, Captain?

- I might actually sneeze. - He can't hear you because...

- well, you know, he's outside-- - What happens then?

-Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? -Good point.

Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home.

Is there one?

Could you look that up?

-Hola. -Gracias.

Yeah, in other devastating news,

Spike is about to join the auto comms.

The icing on the shit.

I got you now, buddy.

-Whoa! She's a gusher. -Please don't call it "she."

Why? That thing's powerful. And I respect it.

I'm gonna go check on a valve.

Billie?

Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up.

- Yeah, sure. - Billie?

So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three.

It's just a... thing we do.

- We love you, Spike! - Okay, Captain,

I'm splitting forward protocol three.

It's just-- It's a thing we do. Don't worry.

Make way for the shit shooter.

-Oh God, was that me? -It's a little bit of all of us.

Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist,

do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick!

I think she's talking to me.

Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside.

Would that have been easier at all?

-Oh! Bugger me. -Oh no!

Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.

Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them.

And girls. Uh, women.

Not me, though. Mm-mm.

Other way, other way.

Don't worry, Captain. You got this.

I've got this. Turn it this way.

Of course I've got it!

I was born getting it.

I haven't got it. Help me more.

That's it.

- Oh! - Ugh.

Yes!

- Yeah! - Whoo!

Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!

You're going to the White House?

Oh, yes. Time to do some corporate begging.

Yes!

There he is! There he is. I believed in you!

Unlike Iris. She already rented out your cabin.

That was nothing!

But then, what isn't?

He's so modest, he could almost be British.

Why the fuck did I say that?

I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental.

I was very, very proud of how

Captain Ryan followed my direction out there.

You were out of depth on the bridge.

Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position.

Right, well--

Fucking balls.

Burn those suits, they smell like hell!

I can actually hear that smell.

Hey, beautiful.

Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth

and turn around to head back.

I know. Time flies. I don't wanna go home, either.

But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party.

Hey, is-- is that true?

Well, it was true when I said it.

Like a marriage vow.

And you just kept this up?

Sure. I mean, we could still have a...

"One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party.

- Yeah, that could work. - Spike gets it.

We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers.

The only other use would be for your funeral.

Hey. It's the shit whisperer.

Hey, Benjamin Button!

Shit stack walking.

Frankenfuck.

Mr. Crappatoa.

Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day?

I mean, I know I could.

And I think you should.

Why?

There's just so much to explore, baby.

We have booze. Right? Who doesn't love booze?

And-- And four books--

five books here! I mean that's just-- right?

All I did was...

And then they...

And the--

Don't ever sit.

Inflate one thousand balloons.

I need to vet your materials for this show this evening.

Oh, wow. So it's true. The show really does go on.

It's in your contract. You'd be doing a show tonight

even if this was a burned-out hulk

full of space junk and dead animals.

So...

Jokes.

Do some.

-Okay, what makes you laugh? -Comedy.

- Obviously. - And sometimes tragedy.

Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction,

non-fatal hunting accidents,

waving at someone you think you know

but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing.

Now, make it topical.

Mention "it," but don't mention it.

"It"? That's horrible.

Go.

-Okay, I could start with-- -It's not called "sit-down."

I can start with...

"This is some hot shit."

You know it's actually extremely cold in space?

Are you gonna do this the whole way through?

Yes. And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now.

You see what I did? Did you see--