Inside Amy Schumer

She's broken the hearts of over a thousand men with her bare hands.

People hang on her every word,

and that word is usually...

"anal."

She didn't just take back the night.

She took back the whole (bleep) week.

Vietnam is a veteran of her.

If Keith Richards had a vagina, which at this point he might,

it would be her.

Her ass catcalls itself.

She brushes her teeth with her imagination.

She always brings a knife to a gunfight.

Ahh.

And the gunfight is usually just a Curves gym.

Ahh!

Her blood alcohol level is .0 of your business.

A bird in her hand is worth three in the bush.

Also, she can fit three hands in her bush.

She is the World's Most Interesting Woman in the World.

I don't always drink beer, but when I do,

I always have to pay for it myself.

I got it, I got it.

Clementine Hospice Care.

For women who live like men.

I know you're very respectful about your wife.

Yes.

- And you always have been. - Yeah.

- I've been married 32 beautiful years. - Aw.

- 32 beautiful years. - Yeah.

- This woman is a saint. - I'll say.

Uh, so every night

when she does not want to have sex with you...

Yeah.

...how do you know it's absolutely out of the question?

She doesn't sleep in the same room with me.

- Aww... - Yeah.

But once in a while, I-- I get the favor bang.

That-- like you just said the most romantic thing

- about your wife, and now, the favor bang? - Yeah.

You won't even call her vagina a vagina,

but you get a favor bang?

Yeah, she does me a favor.

Does it make it any less enjoyable

knowing that she's just doing you a solid

and she doesn't want you to actually be inside her?

Well, just let her live and be well.

Like I'm nice to her.

Who-- what is wrong with you?

- It's been nine years. - Yeah.

And when we fight,

it used to be we'd fight and then we'd have makeup sex.

- And then I got really bored with that. - Yeah.

So now I'm like...

- Uh-huh. - Or...

Have like a bunch of wonderful orgasms.

Yeah, right.

Thanks for joining our live coverage of Not Fooling Around Chicken.

The game couples play when neither wants to fool around,

but they don't want to be the person who admits it.

That's right. We go now to Kevin and Amy's house

where the game is just getting underway.

- Hey, babe? - Yeah.

Do you, uh, still have more work to do before you come to bed?

No, I finished it all up. I'll be right in.

Cool.

Okay, Michael, so here are two people

who definitely just want to go to bed.

That's right, Simon.

These two have clearly been together for a while

and could not be less interested in having sex tonight.

Absolutely, let's see who will pull

the "we're not having sex tonight" trigger first

and lose the game of Not Fooling Around Chicken.

Wow, you seem really tired.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

But no, I'm good. I'm good.

Why, are you tired?

No, no, I, um, I ordered decaf,

but I think the waiter gave me regular, so...

I am pretty awake.

Oh, good.

But coffee kind of upsets your stomach

- sometimes, I know, so... - Yeah, no.

- ...is your stomach okay? - Totally fine.

My stomach feels like better than usual.

What about you? You ate-- you ate a lot.

- You must be pretty full. - No.

You want to sleep it off now?

No, took a Pepcid. So... I'm good.

Good, good.

I like what they've done here, Simon.

Yes, it's quite the chess match.

They've each ruled out the other being tired

or physically sick at all.

Yes, it'll be interesting to see where they go from here.

I like that night shirt.

- Oh, yeah. - Looks really comfortable.

It's just the first thing that I grabbed

when I got out of the shower.

- 'Cause I showered. - Oh, you showered?

- Yep. - Great.

Brilliant, I love Amy's use

of having showered to counter her own shitty nightgown.

Yeah, it was a nice try by Kevin,

but the ball is definitely back in his court.

- Hi, Pearl. - Ahh.

Oh, who's a good girl?

Who's a good girl?

Okay, now this is interesting.

The dog has entered the bedroom.

If one of them invites her onto the bed,

that'll be a clear indication

that they aren't going to fool around,

and we might have a winner.

She looks cold.

Oh, did you want to invite her up?

No, I'm just saying, you know, she looks... cold.

Why, did you-- did you want to invite her up?

No, only if you did.

Wow, we seem to have arrived at a stalemate.

Wait a minute, what is that Amy is putting in her mouth?

Oh, that's definitely a retainer, Michael.

Let's see if Kevin notices.

Oh... you have your retainer in.

And I can take it right out.

You talk to your mom today?

Yeah, but we didn't fight. Do you have your period?

No, not for another two weeks.

You have an early meeting tomorrow?

No, I pushed it back to 11:00 so I can sleep in.

Are you feeling sad because it's the anniversary

of your father dying? Nope, I've made peace with it!

Do you want to just, um...?

Push my head in a pillow for 30 seconds and have sex?

Yeah.

- Oh, no! - Oh.

Wow, it looks like they both lost.

Yep, neither were able to just say they didn't feel like it.

So now they're just gonna have to go through with it.

Oh, well, there's always tomorrow

and for the rest of their lives together.

Anyway, that's all for us here at Relationship Center.

Yep, join us next time for the You Pick A Place

on Seamless Murder-Suicide Bowl.

Good night.

A great man once said, "It is what it is."

And according to the free clinic, what it is... is herpes.

Stay drunk, my friends.

Where's the doctor?

We're your doctor.

No, you're a bunch of congressmen.

I recognize you.

I just need to get my annual Pap smear.

Ew.

Do any of you have any medical training?

We're the House Committee on Women's Health.

So I think we have a better idea than a bunch of science-y nerdles.

You mean doctors?

Let's begin.

When was the date of your last lady curse?

Two weeks ago, if you mean my period.

Ew.

And how many blood diapers did you use?

Tampons?

A dozen? I don't know.

And that is...?

Twelve.

- Now, it says here you are 34. - Yeah.

- How many children do you have? - None.

- But it says here you're 34. - Correct.

- Are you sexually active? - Yeah.

And how many children do you have?!

How often do you and your husband, um...?

Oh, I'm not married.

Oh, so you're a virgin.

Well...

Have a lollipop and run along.

No, I'm not a virgin! I'm just not married!

I just need my annual Pap smear to make sure I'm healthy.

I have a family history of cervical cancer.

Ew!

How many men have you laid with in the last year?

Sex?

- Three? - Mm-mm-mm.

Jesus.

Do two of you have like secret families with your maids?

We're not the ones on trial here!

That's right, young lady.

Okay, okay.

Guess we have to do the vagina-y part.

Wha...? What?

- What are you doing? - Remember...

even though we're doing this, we are not your boyfriend.

What?

Scooch down on the table,

put your legs in those restraints, and present.

What? Wait.

I feel a lot more comfortable with a woman in here.

Aren't there any women on the Women's Health Committee?

That'd be like letting the lions run the zoo.