It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Good morning, South Philadelphia Animal Shelter.

Yes, hello, I would like to apply for an adoption, please.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

We're adopting a dog-fighting pit bull.

We're gonna keep it in the bar, all right?

Well, why wasn't I consulted about this?

Because last time we tried to get a junkyard dog, we wound up

getting a junkyard cat, and that's exactly where you're gonna go with it.

Yeah.

Because I don't want some goddamn snarling hellhound

running around inside of our bar!

Are you crazy?

Look, we're going to rehabilitate the dog, okay?

We don't want it to attack other dogs.

Now we would like for it to attack people.

If it attacks a person, great!

Yeah. And, if the dog-- or when the dog-- bites a customer,

that person then can go home and have a great story for their friends.

It's a win-win for everybody.

That's true!

You can go, like, "Dude, I got bit a pit bull in a bar."

In Paddy's! It was awesome!

Awesome! And if you're an intruder, you should get bit by a pit bull.

I don't understand.

See, the biggest... Uh, how long do you think this process usually takes?

Just a dial tone now.

She just hung up on me, for some reason.

Wait for me in the back back.

Okay, babe.

Hey, who's that?

It's my new girlfriend-- Roxy.

That woman seems like a prostitute.

That's because she is.

You're dating a prostitute?

Not for long.

I'm gonna make that whore my wife.

What the hell...?

I don't know.

Are they...?

Oh, no!

You did not just do that.

Oh-ho-ho.

That-that broad is a live wire.

I'm goin' outside, 'cause this place is shit hole!

What are you cocks lookin' at?

Frank... that woman is unspeakably crass.

You're gonna marry that, Frank?

She's been my number-one girl for a long while now.

But she's still plowing other dudes.

In fact, Tiger Woods has been calling her lately.

No. No, no, no.

That can't be the truth.

That's bullshit.

There is no way that Tiger Woods is interested in that woman.

Look, can't you find someone who loves you for who you are?

That woman's only in it for the money!

Mm-mm! Let me stop you real quick.

Someone love Frank for who he is?

Come on!

No! He's got a ton of good qualities.

Yes, he does!

I mean, like what?

Like what?

Dude, the other day, we were hanging out under the bridge; we

found box of denim, and I'm, like, "You know, these look like

good jeans in here," and he's, like, "You want to split it with me, 50-50?"

I mean, that's a nice thing to do.

I wanted you to have half of that denim.

He shared half the jeans.

Charlie! Charlie!

Stop wearing clothes you find washing up under bridges.

Oh, they're boiled, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, we boil all our denim.

- Oh, good, well, they're boiled, so... - Hey!

Hey, you know, there is some dirty crack whore in the alley,

blowing the busboy from the restaurant down the street.

This is exactly why we need that dog.

Let's get that dog!

Mac, you look bad.

Really, really bad.

What?

Yeah, is that your shirt or my shirt?

That's, like, way too small for you.

You look fat as shit!

Okay, okay, I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of

our organization here.

Mac, you have gained, I mean, 50 pounds of fat.

Mass.

Fat.

Muscle.

Let's be clear: fat.

It's fat.

Frank, you are talking about marrying hookers-- this is ridiculous!

What's going on with our group?

We're becoming the Gross Crew.

The Gross Crew?!

The Gross Crew.

And I don't like that.

I don't want that, all right?

I don't want that.

So, if we're gonna have this woman hanging around, then we

gotta clean her up or something.

I tell you what-- what if we took a Pretty Woman and threw it

Roxy's way.

Hey... Pretty Woman?

That was a bullshit movie.

People don't change like that.

People change, Frank.

Look at me.

I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.

You're not helping my argument.

Okay, yeah, and if you're gonna chime in, please don't do

it with a mouthful of burrito.

This is a chimichanga.

You are becoming a chimichanga!

All right, all of you-- I'm gonna give you all 24 hours to

do whatever you have to do, but,

tomorrow night, I am proposing to that dirty whore.

This is gonna be a little bit harder than we thought.

This woman is a real piece of shit.

Uh-huh.

Where's Frank?

Don't worry about Frank, Roxy.

We're here to help you turn your life around.

See, a lot of times, the second act of someone's life can be

much better than the first.

Mm-hmm.

Well, yeah, we just want to make

some changes in your life, Roxy.

Perhaps get you some new clothes.

Uh-huh.

Uh, hopefully, teach you some manners.

Shut up, baby dick.

All right, well, I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I... Don't go, don't go.

We haven't even started yet.

Come on... Frank was right.

This woman cannot change.

People don't just change.

People change!

She can change.

I'm gonna change.

What? You're gonna change?!

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, I'm gearing up to get into my second act, you know?

And that's very exciting for me.

And I'd like to help Roxy do the same thing, that's all.

No... no, no, Dee.

Aw, really?

What?

No, you're already in your second act.

Me?

Yeah. We're all in our second acts-- don't you see that?

And I, for one, I don't want things to change.

I want them to stay the way they were, because my first act

was awesome.

See, your first act was-was shit, and that's why you're so

desperate for things to be different.

But they rarely ever do get different.

If anything-- God, they get worse.

I mean, look at Mac.

I got salsa on my shirt.

He got salsa on his shirt.

Okay... here's howhings need to go from here on out.

You gotta deal with this woman, because I can't handle it...

all right?

She made things personal, and I won't stand for that.

Somebody needs to take care of Mac, and that's gonna be me,

because his fatness is starting to affect our entire crew.

Mm-hmm.

So I'm gonna take him with me, because the man is carrying

around trash bags filled with Mexican foods.

What's that smell?

Crack.

That is crack rock.

Mm-hmm.

She's smoking crack!

Oh, she's smoking crack.

Okay, she's smoking crack.

Uh, this is no longer a safe environment for me.

Mac, let's go.

Come on, I gotta get out of here.

Whew!

I got a really good thing going with Roxy.

She's a sweet bitch.

Yeah, but she's mean.

She's definitely only into you for the money.

Well, so, Barbara was only into me for the money.

Yeah, but you deserve better than that, man.

Look, I'm already on it, okay?

I signed you up on a dating Web site.

I got you a date, dude!

Yeah?

Check it out, though.

I got a little twist on this date.

This girl does think she's meeting a millionaire.

Why'd you say that, Charlie?

That... defeats the purpose.