The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

I wonder if we should have a jingle for questions for Karl

'cause there's a lot of questions coming in for Karl.

Okay.

Oh, chimpanzee that! Questions for Karl-ee!

Yeah, okay, no. Fair enough, that works.

Um, this is from Jim and Bob in Manchester.

Karl, if you could talk to any animal,

Which one would it be and what would you say to it?

Uh...

Insect, animal anything, fish anything?

Well, they said "animal," but that's...

Yeah, let's broaden it to anything...

- Animal... well animal... insect is an animal. - ...Any creature.

Yeah, I know, but I'm just... you know, I don't want to get it wrong.

- I'm just thinking... - yeah.

There's a lot of stuff out there, isn't there?

- Um... - I... I'd probably go

For the tortoise.

- Okay. - 'cause it would take a long time

To walk away from you while you were talking?

Most animals would be off straightaway.

Yeah yeah.

Just because they live for ages,

So they'll have loads of stories.

They've lived through a lot. Through wars and stuff.

If you get an old one...

Yeah, most of them have lived in a box in a garden

For 52 years.

No... but you... but you get some that have been about...

And even if it's in a box, you can over...

They've really traveled.

- Yeah. - Some... well, some have experienced more than you.

- Yeah. - But, uh, they've broadened their horizons

A bit more than you.

They could probably teach you a thing or two, yeah.

And what would you hope to learn from them?

Just... just history.

Right...

From their very specific tortoise perspective.

Our emails... we've had a lot of questions about time travel.

People are fascinated about your approach to time travel

And I know we talked about this in the past.

But, um, this is a very specific time travel question.

"if you had a time machine, Karl,"

To what event in your childhood

"Would you travel back to and why?"

What's the point in going back to things that you...

No, it's just that it's never as good as...

It's like a place you go on holiday.

And you go back thinking it'll be as good as the first time.

It never is.

So I don't... I don't believe in...

- Going back to places. - What... what...

What do you understand the question is...

Do... do you think they're asking

Would you go back like a ghost and spy?

Would you go back and you've got, um,

Your childhood back, you are that child again?

You're in the body, you are the child?

Or you've got your adult, um, head and experiences on,

- You know... - Rick, I really don't think

Karl was thinking there was any of those variations.

Let's be honest.

- But now that you've flagged... - I think he was thinking of him as he is now

- In school with a cap on. - Yeah yeah.

Too big for the chairs.

Yeah. Yeah, come on.

No, I... I don't think I would go back.

It's all happened now, hasn't it?

Yeah, but it's an email for our own amusement.

- Well, okay... - choose an event...

Okay, forget the time travel thing.

No, hang on. I think...

Let's clarify one of Ricky's points.

What if you could go back and you could live

That moment again, how would you do it differently?

There's been times where I've gone

"oh, that was a bit out of order or whatever."

But then you learn from your mistakes, don't you?

So I don't wanna go back and change stuff

Cause it's... it's like that thing

That they go on about, isn't it, where they

Blame the butterfly on an earthquake.

You know, it's gonna happen.

If it wasn't that butterfly, it's another one.

So why... why pass the buck is what I'm saying.

So you've got no regrets?

There's nothing in your past you'd wanna change or do differently?

What... what about if you went back and you spied,

Like a ghost, on somebody?

You couldn't change anything,

But you could... you could have a look at someone

- And just sort of... like, uh, you know? - Like what?

Like Ebenezer scrooge does with the ghost of Christmas past.

He goes back and he's sort of like looking at himself

Dancing and stuff. What would you do?

What would you go back and have a look at?

You're asking me to change. I don't want to change...

You're not changing, you're just observing!

It's impossible. This question... it's not gonna happen.

You're not gonna have to... it's impossible.

All right. Yeah, I nearly died once, didn't I,

On a, uh... on an ice pop.

- Right. - Right.

Now maybe if I would have died, I'd say, well let's go back

To that and I won't have an ice pop.

You wouldn't be doing the podcast if you had died.

To that and I won't you wouldn't be having this email put to you.

- What are you talking about? - That's absurd.

You're now saying... you're rewriting history

And then going back to change it.

- There's no need. - You didn't die.

How can you change it?

You can't change anything.

You're just gonna go back and watch. Would you like to go back

And watch yourself choking on a mister freeze?

No, that's what I'm saying. That's why I wouldn't go back now 'cause I'm all right.

I haven't had one since. I've learned a lesson.

I'm not missing them ice pops. So...

I don't think you're making the most of this opportunity to fantasize.

I don't mean, do you mean in going back in time.

To the point of you can see like Rome in its working day?

Well, in your childhood...

Was Rome about when in your childhood?

Where there gladiators in your childhood?

Everything I've been through, I've been through.

- So why see it again? - Forget it.

It was just a nice little question.

I mean that shows the lack of imagination in Karl Pilkington.

Your mind can't fathom something unless it's like, you know, got two heads.

But I don't see the point in doing something twice.

'cause the thing is, say if there's one good moment

When I was about six that I loved,

I then have to go through all the other 20 years again.

But why? Why have you imposed that?

It's a fantasy. Make it up.

You could go back and come back again.

Yeah whizz back and fast-forward 35 years.

- No. - Brilliant... no...

Like it was on offer, like this was really on offer.

- Move on. - "migrant workers in South China

Are wearing adult diapers on packed trains..."

"heading home for the new year holiday 'cause they've got

No access to the toilet.

Many supermarkets in this particular part of China

Have reported a 50% increase in sales of adult nappies

For the train trips."

Now what do you make of that, Karl?

You're on a long long train journey... three hours,

- Four hours... - you know there's no toilet.

You know you're gonna need to go.

- Pop on a... - why isn't there any toilets?

There just aren't on the trains.

And they're a really long journey?

- Yeah. - How long?

- Hours. - Very long in China.

It's a big country.

I... I wouldn't... I couldn't do that.

I couldn't... I couldn't do it.

I'd have to hold it in or something.

Just like, uh... I mean, when I was a young kid,

I don't know how young you are

When you wear a Nappie and that.

But, um, I remember that I didn't like it...

Doing it in a pair of pants like that...

A pair of nappies and that.

And I used to have to, uh... even when I was too small

To sort of get up on the toilet and that,

'cause you'd fall in.

Um, me mom knew that I didn't like nappies and that.

I used to just go in, in the corner,

Just near the kitchen

In this thing that... like a... like a litter tray.

And I'd go there and, uh...

I'd do me thing and, uh...

You know, me mom used to say, "oh he's... he's going there.

Don't look at him," and that. 'cause it put me off.

You know, like cats don't like being watched

When they do it.

When they go in their litter tray

- In the kitchen. - No, they don't like it.

What are you, just like a little feral kid?

Just running around and going for litter tray,

Covering it up and then running up the curtain

And eating a sweet at the top of the pelmet?

No, but nobody likes being watched

And that's what I'm saying.

If you're sat on a train and you're knocking one out

And everyone's looking at ya,