American Housewife

Can we get some new Halloween decorations?

This spider only has two legs.

One. One leg.

I'm not spending any more money on Halloween decorations.

Get over it.

Hey, what are you doing for Halloween?

You have to chill. I'm 18.

The days of me running every detail by you are over!

I'm going out with Trip. I'll be home by curfew!

You're suffocating me! God!

Wow. She is a real delight.

Yeah.

I miss the old days when just Oliver sucked.

When is raising children supposed to get easy?

Never.

All those people who said kids are tough,

but one day it'll all be worth it...

they lied to us, Greg.

They lied to us.

Hey, my carving knives are getting smushed.

Why do you have carving knives?

'Cause these oak-handled beauties

were a steal on Prime Day.

And with the carving competition at the Halloween Carnival,

I finally have an excuse to use them.

You want to join? We can enter as a team.

You're telling me I can team up with my father

and join a public pumpkin carving contest?

- Where do I sign up? - Online or in person...

I fall for it every time.

Besides, Brie said she wants

to go through the zombie maze with me.

- But you're... - A coward?

A wuss?

A diaper-wearing chicken baby?

Yeah. All those things.

True.

But when your girlfriend says

she wants to go through a terrifying maze,

you stop yourself from saying,

"Please, no! Don't make me!"

and say, " Sounds fun, babe."

Mom, can we do the maze together?

Of course.

No. Anna-Kat's way too young to do that maze.

Please, I can handle scary stuff.

Mom and I have been watching "The Shining" since I was 4.

- 4?! - Anna-Kat!

Looks like I got the conversation going,

so I'm gonna grab a juice box and scoot.

Are you really trying to deprive me

of time with the one kid who still likes us?

- No, but... - Anna-Kat's still in that sweet spot.

She holds my hand.

Yeah, Oliver used to hold my hand.

Until the first day of fourth grade,

when he slipped me a buck and told me my services

were no longer needed.

Before we know it,

Anna-Kat is going to be avoiding us like the other two.

This may be my only shot to do the maze with her.

No way. She's gonna have nightmares for a month.

Just because you and Oliver are scared little girls

doesn't mean she is.

That is exactly the kind of sexist bully language

they warned us about in that e-mail from school.

Blah, blah, blah, delete.

Anna-Kat is not going through that maze.

Conversation over.

Lost that one, Luthor.

He has been sensitive about the "blah, blah, blahs"

since I put them in our wedding vows.

To be fair, it got a big laugh.

Yeah.

04x05 - The Maze Original air date October 25, 2019

Greg doesn't think Anna-Kat can handle it.

But scary stuff is kind of our thing.

Horror movies, the Titanic,

the Donner Party where they had to eat each other.

That's just fun, feel-good mother-daughter stuff.

Greg is just taking his own fears

- and putting them on Anna-Kat. - Exactly.

- You know what you should do... - Go behind his back!

Angela, you always tell me

to be honest with my feelings

and to listen to the people I love.

You know, crap like that.

Yeah, well, you never take my advice.

I just need a win.

I lost a big case yesterday.

Thanks for asking.

Take Anna-Kat to the maze.

She'll have a great time,

and you'll have ammunition

for all future parental judgment calls.

Yeah, I didn't get a good judgment for my client,

that's for sure.

Doris, I like that.

Hey, did they change the silverware here?

'Cause this knife feels heavier than usual.

I wish one of you bitches

would ask me about my court case.

I'm loving your Amelia Earhart costume.

She clearly died a horrible death,

so it's good.

Oh, hey, there's Taylor and Trip.

You guys look great!

We go costume party.

Literally no difference between Trip and The Hulk.

A costume party sounds fun.

Would you stop with all the questions?!

That wasn't even a question.

- That was a question! - No, it wasn't!

Ugh.

We've got a bigger problem here than her just pushing you away.

She's a senior

and still doesn't know what a question is.

You guys drive safe!

People act crazy on Halloween!

Taylor, make sure your phone's charged!

- So you can track me?! - I know you're done with me,

but I'm still your mother!

Here comes Brie.

Don't talk. And hide your purse.

This is a carving kit.

I put a strap on it so you can just throw it on and go.

Greg, just hide your purse.

Hey, how are you guys?

Oh, they're great.

Now let's go find our friends and hit the maze.

Bye, Brie.

Stop.

So, who wants to watch me

dominate the carving competition?

While you get set up,

I'm taking Anna-Kat to get her face painted.

Oh.

I'm gonna have them paint my face blue.

I'm going as waterlogged Amelia Earhart.

Adorable.

Be back soon.

Okay.

Isn't face painting the other way?

It is. But we're not doing that.

We're doing the zombie maze!

Really?!

But I thought Dad said no.

Your dad has a purse full of knives right now.

We can't trust his judgment.

Let's do it.

Two, please.

You'll just need to sign this waiver.

- It absolves any type of... - Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We just need her mom's signature.

I'm her mom.

Oh.

See, I thought you were her sister.

Oh, you.

You did not.

How do you do, sir?

Boy, that juice cleanse is really working for ya, huh?

See?

- The post-apocalypse isn't so bad. - Oh, yeah.

I think the...

Isn't this fun?

They're just performers, just like we see in the mo...

Mom, Dad was right! I'm too young for this!

But you've been watching "The Shining" since you were 4.

Watching it, not living it!

Ohh. Get me out of here.

Okay, just stay calm.

Remember... it's all make believe.

Stop it! She is just a child!

A child with a bad mother!

No! No!

Hulk have tummy ache.

Because Hulk ate too many gummy worms.

We'll just skip the party

and watch some scary movies at your place.

But first I'm gonna get you some ginger ale.

Mm.

Hulk thankful.

You don't have to keep talking like that.

Trip sorry.

Ah, Principal Ablin.

I didn't know you were a fellow carver.

Are those oak handles?

- Sure are. - Cute.

A little first-time carver and his Prime Day special.

Whoa.

These are mahogany handles.

These were passed down to me by my great, great grandpappy

Principal Seamus O'Ablin.

You made that up.

Prove it.

You might as well give up now.

I've placed top two in this competition

for the last five years.

You mean you've lost for the last five years.

To me.