Two and a Half Men

Oh, yeah. I am a finely tuned machine.

: Bonjour!

Oh, hello.

Are you a friend of Charlie's?

I'm his brother... so no.

I am Gabrielle.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Alan.

Or as you would say "Elan."

Why would I say that?

No reason.

I'm a little dehydrated.

So, you are a "see-klist."

A what?

A see-klist?

You know with your "bee-see-kel."

Oh, yes, yes--

I'm very passionate about... bee-seek-ling.

I even have a stationary "see-kel."

Ah.

I also jog and ab crunch and of course...

"Les Buns of Steel."

Tres bien.

Au revoir.

Au revoir.

Nice, huh?

Nice? She's magnificent.

You should see her naked.

Can I?

Well, I could show you some pictures,

but you may not want to see that much of me.

Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that?

And more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?

You really want to know?

Yeah, what's your secret?

Well, you see, Alan, it's like this.

I got a knack.

That's not a secret.

I didn't think so, but you asked.

So that's it? You've got a knack?

Hey, everybody's good at something.

You, for instance...

...have no shame.

Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.

Alan, I just took a Tour de France...

...and the only thing I was wearing

was a smile and a condom.

Hi, Judith. Hey, buddy.

Hey.

What's the matter with him?

His little girlfriend broke up with him.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him,

'cause let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped?

You don't have to flatter me, Judith.

I'll talk to him.

I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way I meant it.

Really? How did you mean it?

Oh, couldn't you just take the "I'm sorry"?

Couldn't you have just... loved me?

Did I hear numbnuts come in?

"Numbnuts"?

Sorry, numbnuts junior.

If you mean my son, yes, he's here.

Aw, crap.

What are you doing?

Hiding my cookies.

Why?

Because I just bought a new bag

and I don't want that knucklehead to eat 'em all.

Oh, Charlie, you hide your cookies

from a little boy who loves you?

Little boy, my ass.

He's a bottomless pit,

and I'm tired of going for a snack

and having to lick cookie dust out of the bag.

You might want to take it easy on him today.

He's going through a bad breakup.

Aw, really? Yeah.

Nope, my cookies.

* Men...

So, uh... how was school this week?

Okay.

Anything noteworthy happen?

No.

I thought you said he got dumped.

I was easing into it.

Oh, good idea.

Go ahead.

Jake, sooner or later, every guy gets dumped.

Some guys get dumped

sooner and later, right, Alan?

Sorry, I should've eased into that.

My point is you've got nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm not embarrassed. I'm angry.

She didn't even tell me why.

She just sent me an e-mail saying she doesn't want to go out with me anymore.

Maybe she found somebody better.

What do you mean better? Who's better than Jake?

: Why, no one, Alan.

He's the pinnacle of male evolution.

Thank you.

Look, buddy, I know exactly how you feel.

When I was your age, I was dating a beautiful girl--

Charity Kirschenbaum.

I was crazy about her.

Then, the night before junior prom, she called and dumped me.

Wouldn't even give me a reason.

I was devastated.

So what'd you do?

What could I do?

How can you mend a broken heart?

: * How can you stop the rain from falling down? *

You done?

Unless you want to hear "Jive Talkin'."

The thing is, Jake, that no matter how bad you feel now,

eventually, it'll pass.

You just have to be willing to live with the pain.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does. Hang on, Dad.

What do you mean, no, I don't?

When you get dumped, you don't sit around

feeling sorry for yourself.

You go out and find another girl.

A better girl.

Okay, but how am I gonna get another girl?

I don't know how I got this one.

You don't know how you got a girlfriend?

No. It just kind of happened.

Yeah, I know how that goes.

You wake up in the morning and there she is.

Shut up. I know that was wrong.

Look, Jake, who is the cutest girl in your class?

Nicole O'Malley.

Okay, call Nicole O'Malley and ask her out.

Are you drunk?

A little.

But... this is a secret that will serve you

for the rest of your life.

The hotter the girl, the lonelier she is,

because most guys are too scared to talk to her.

Really?! Really?!

Trust me.

Wow. Wow.

Why couldn't you have said this 20 years ago?

Come on, Dad, I wasn't even born 20 years ago.

I really shouldn't be giving him advice

that could help him reproduce, should I?

* Men.

Oh, it's just you.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm drinking some of your finest scotch

and looking at my high school yearbook.

Charity Kirschenbaum.

I can't help wondering

how my life would've turned out if she hadn't dumped me.

Come on, your life turned out great.

Well, it wouldn't have turned out any better.

You know what?

I'm gonna call her and find out why she broke my heart.

Good thinking.

Call your high school girlfriend drunk at 2:00 in the morning.

While you're at it, why don't you expose yourself to an undercover policewoman?

Some people do that.

I need closure.

I need to understand why she dumped me.

What's to understand?

This is her? Mm-hmm.

This is you.

Peaches and cream complexion.

You.

Cheerleader.

You.

Stop me anytime.

I don't care.

I got number off the Internet and I'm calling her.

Oh, man.

When're they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Shh, it's ringing.

Hello?

Hello, is this Charity?

: Hi, Charity.

This is Alan Harper.

Yeah, yeah, from high school.

Anyway...

Yeah, I know it's late.

Yeah, I know I'm drunk.

Listen, I just need to ask you one question.

Why did you dump me on the night before the junior prom?

Uh-huh.

Okay, okay.

Okay, thanks.

Go back to sleep.

She said to ask my brother Char...

...arlie.

Oh, that's why.

* Men.

Morning.

Morning.