Bad Match

Harris?

You must be Rachel.

- Yeah. - Hey.

Oh.

Oh, sorry, I'm a hugger.

That's, that's okay.

I'm super awkward at the beginning of these things.

Oh, well, that is why they invented alcohol.

Hey, man, uh, could we get one more scotch,

and for Rachel, a-- wait, wait.

Uh, let me guess.

What are you doing?

Oh, I can sense a person's drink aura.

I just need a moment of silence.

My drink aura?

Sorry.

Vodka tonic.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm also seeing tequila shots.

Rach, I don't know about that.

I did not think that.

Far be it from me to tell a lady no.

Two tequila shots.

Thanks, man.

You don't mess around, huh?

I guess not.

Leaving?

Oh, hey, yeah.

Didn't want to wake you.

I got work in the morning.

Plus, I have self-diagnosed restless leg syndrome, so.

But, uh, hey.

I had a lot of fun.

Me too.

All right, sleep tight.

Boom!

Got you again, ShadowMan.

Suck my dick, pussy.

No, come on, man.

It's too early for that kind of talk.

It's not too early for your mom to suck my dick.

Eh, clever.

Oh, and I win again.

See you next time, Shadow.

Hope you have a good day in school.

What grade you in again?

You have a good day being a fag.

Easy with the homophobia there, kid.

Shut up.

You got it.

Hey.

Hey, morning.

What's up, man?

Mandarin, Jose.

150 likes.

Fuckin' clickbait.

Cute, who's she?

She's my ex.

She used to call blow jobs blowies.

Now she's engaged to Richard Rodemeier.

This fuckin' bald piece of shit.

Looks like a banker.

What do you think he does? You think he banks?

Let's have a look.

Pediatric surgeon at Ralph M. Captain Children's Hospital.

Oh, no.

That's a bummer.

Whatever, man, he still looks like a piece of shit.

Of that I have no doubt.

You should unfriend her, man.

It's not healthy, you can drive yourself crazy.

I know, I know, man.

I just can't help it.

Robby, boom.

Harris, Robby, morning.

- Hi. - Hey, Terri.

The partners and I made a decision about

the Harry's Auto Insurance spot.

You both had damn good ideas.

But Harris, we're going with you.

Thanks, Terri.

Well, they're gonna be here on Wednesday.

You'll be ready to pitch by then?

Absolutely.

Excellent, keep up the good work.

You too, Robby.

Better luck next time, Robert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Think you just got it all figured out, don't you?

I like to think so, yeah.

Linda, 26.

"I like adventure, whiskey, sarcasm, Jenga."

She's cute, should I go left or right?

It's your choice, man.

Mm-mm. It's your profile.

Eh, I pretty much always swipe right.

Even if you don't like 'em?

That's putting the cart before the horse.

At this point, it's just a numbers game.

Say you swipe right 100 times a day, right?

Out of those 100 likes, you get 20 matches,

out of those 20 matches, you message 10,

out of those 10, only a handful message back,

and out of that handful, you end up meeting up with one.

What that means is, the more you like initially,

the higher your chances are of meeting up

with someone later.

- The Tao of swiping. -

I'm gonna swipe right, here we go.

Boom!

- It's a match. God damn. - Thank you very much.

Technology, it's a great thing.

You know, if this was around when I was single--

Yeah?

Okay, keep browsing.

Oh!

What about this one?

Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Tzu, I apologize sincerely.

Okay.

No match.

I'm sorry.

It's all right, it happens.

Oh, you're getting a text from Lauren.

Uh-huh.

Oh, dear, I gotta split.

Lemme guess.

- Lauren. - Mm-hmm.

She's another match I'm guessing?

That is correct.

What happened to the last one?

- What last one? - Uh, wow.

I guess it's hard to keep track of both.

I don't know her name, the last one you saw.

Is that what you do, you go see them?

- Oh, you mean Rachel. - Rachel, Rachel.

Yes, she's cool. Yeah, we had fun.

I just didn't get the girlfriend vibe.

Oh, okay, what's the girlfriend vibe?

Well, you know how you felt when you first met Lydia?

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I felt, not that.

Okay, yeah, I see.

Oh, there she is.

Wait, you had her come here?

Yeah, so?

Dude, I thought we were gonna part ways.

We are.

I'm gonna go to that table over there.

You're ridiculous.

Hey!

I'm Harris.

This is for you. Thank you.

Jeez.

Can I get you a drink?

Sure!

Wait, let me guess.

Well, hello.

- 'Sup? - Yo.

Who is that?

Girl I matched with.

Seems to be really into Sonic the Hedgehog.

Listen, um, can you do me a favor?

What's that?

Can we swap dicks just for tonight?

- Guess who? - Whoa!

Gotcha.

Scared the shit out of me.

Whoops!

You know how to make an intro, huh?

I tend to just go for the hug.

Is this for me?

Uh, yes, actually.

It's kind of cheesy, but.

Very sweet of you.

Hey there.

- Hi. - What can I do for you?

Uh, can I get a--

Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.

I'm seeing, red.

Uh, vodka cranberry.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Wait, I'm also seeing tequila shots.

Yeah, I love tequila shots.

All right, here we go.

I like your hair, it's different.

Oh, yeah, I need to update my pics.

They're like three weeks old.

No, it's cool.

Can I tell you something embarrassing?

I'd be offended if you didn't.

When I was a little kid,

I got my hair bleached like Eminem.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.