Cannibal! The Musical

Packer!

Holy cow!

Ow!

Jeepers!

Packer!

Zowie!

Damn you, Packer!

And then he cuts up the bodies.

Oh, gross!

And when he finally arrives, tired and beaten,

he says, oh, I don't know what happened to my companions.

They left me behind.

And everybody believes him.

They feel sorry for him.

And they just let him go on to.

Now, what would he have you believe?

That under these horrible conditions it was justified?

No, gentlemen of the jury, it is never justified to murder.

Murder is wrong.

So I ask you to come back with a verdict to hang this bastard

for what he has done.

The prosecution rests.

But that's not the way it happened.

Miss Pry, hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mills.

You busy?

I was going to try and get an interview with Mr. Packer.

Now how could you possibly want to spend your afternoon

with a beast like that when you could spend it with a gentleman

like myself, huh?

Believe me, I don't relish the thought

of having to speak with him, or even

be in the same room with him.

But it's what I must do.

I am a reporter.

Yes, and a most beautiful one at that.

Can we meet for dinner, then?

Uh, when I'm done here, I'll be at the hotel.

At the hotel.

If I can get him talking soon enough.

I'll give you a hint... if you want to get him talking,

ask him about Liane.

Liane?

Trust me.

Asshole.

Hello!

Sheriff's gone.

Good enough.

I'm here to see you anyway.

My name is Polly Pry.

I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions

about your story.

My lawyer says I can't talk to reporters.

Yes, of course he did.

That's very smart of him.

But I'm not a reporter.

You see, I'm just a... well.

The truth is, I saw you in the courtroom

and I thought to myself, how could

this handsome, intelligent man have

ever done what they say he did?

I didn't!

And I thought about how lonely it

must be in this dark, nasty cell, all cooped up.

You really think so?

This is the nicest place I've lived in a long time.

With no one to talk at all.

And then I realized how badly you must

need someone to just listen.

I do?

Uh-huh.

And then I thought, maybe I should come down

here and give you some company.

And maybe... maybe tell you some secrets.

And you can tell me secrets.

OK

So what exactly happened during

your trip to Breckenridge?

I can't talk about that.

OK.

Let's talk about something else.

OK.

Oh, I know... Why don't you tell me about, uh... Liane.

You know her?

Yes... yes.

I know her well.

I wanted to find out a little bit more about you two.

Was she... was she... was she with you on your trip?

I don't know... my lawyer's supposed

to come back any minute, and he gets very angry...

Well, certainly your lawyer

wouldn't mind you talking just a little bit about Liane.

Especially to someone who's just a simple townsfolk.

No, I guess he wouldn't.

So what was she like?

She was beautiful.

She had long, dark, shiny hair, and almond eyes,

and... and little pointy ears, and a big, fluffy tail.

And she was fast, like this...

Woohoo!

Go, girl!

The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green.

The sun's as warm as a baked potato.

I think I know precisely what I mean when

I say it's a shpadoinkle day.

And as I ride with my girl, she's my best

friend in the whole world.

We move along, set our goals high,

with eyes full of hope as we aim for the... sky is blue,

and all the leaves are green.

My heart's as full as a baked potato.

I think I know precisely what I mean when

I say it's a shpadoinkle day.

When I say it's a happy-go-moinkley,

lucky shpadoinkle-y day.

Hey!

Morning, Alf!

Morning, Swan!

Find any gold yet?

Not in this gosh-darned canyon.

That's what a group of us are going to Breckenridge today!

Breckenridge?

In Colorado territory?

That's the place.

Say... you ought to come with us!

The more the merrier.

Aw, shucks.

I'd love to go back to Colorado territory.

I didn't know you were from Colorado Territory!

Yeah, I worked in Georgetown for a while before I came here.

Say, uh, who's guiding you there?

Lucky Larry.

He's from Denver.

Do you think I could just talk to Lucky Larry?

Sure.

I'm going to meet a group of them now.

Swell!

That's what I'm saying.

Breckenridge is a heaven on this earth.

as long as we trust the Lord.

Let's not forget the story from the "Book of Mormon,"

where Brigham Young planted many corn crops.

And the locusts came and they began to eat his crops.

And then the Lord sent down a flock of seagulls, who began...

My goodness!

What is that?

Oh, that's Lucky Larry.

He was struck by lightning last night.

Gosh, is he going to be OK?

What?

Now, we can't let ourselves get discouraged.

They say there's enough gold in Breckenridge

to build walls out of.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

And I think this is a test of our will.

My fellow Mormons know what I'm talking about.

Trials and tribulations... That's what life's all about.

Now, are we going to let this one little thing keep

us from fulfilling our dreams?

Yes!

Oh, come on now.

We've got to be strong, don't we?

No!

But I'm telling you, we can still make it!

Our guide is dead.

Well, there's got to be someone from around here

who knows that territory a bit.

Anybody?

Hey, didn't you say you were from Colorado territory?

Well, I just worked there for a little while...

Hey, this guy's from Colorado territory!

Wonderful!

What's your name, sir?

I'm Alfred Packer this is my horse, Liane.

Hi.

There, you see?

Don't be stupid... let's just go back to mining here.

Yeah!

But there's no gold here.

When was the last time anyone made a strike?

I'll go!

Now come on, son.

We'll head out in the spring.

But Dad, if we wait til the spring,

all the gold will be gone!

I need to go out now!

No... it's too dangerous.

What if you get lost or run out of food?

Dad, I can't be your little boy forever.

Don't you understand?

No, I don't understand.

Oh, go ahead... break your mother's heart.

I'm in.

There, you see?

Don't you all feel a little bit ashamed?

This nice, young, brave...

Stupid.

Son, why don't you go?

Huh?

You've always said you wanted to get out of Utah.