M*A*S*H

Slight temperature, Doctor.

He's responding to the antibiotics.

Okay, continue treatment.

Try to get better by 6:00.

I'm going to the movies and I wanna have a free mind.

‐How come you're not responding to me? ‐Pardon?

I put on something I thought would drive you wild.

‐What? ‐Clean socks.

Sir, a helicopter crashed.

There's a broken arm in O. R.

Let's hope there's a patient attached.

Major, give me a hand. Later I'll give you one of mine.

‐Much pain? ‐Not bad.

‐Clean up the abrasions. ‐Yes, Doctor.

Colonel Flagg's x‐ray, sir.

What happened to the chopper pilot?

He walked away without a scratch.

Probably asleep at the wheel. That makes you nice and relaxed.

Yeah.

Colonel, you got a fractured radius.

‐Congratulations. ‐Congratulations?

Yeah, you might have landed on your head and screwed yourself into the ground.

Just get on with it, huh?

‐Major, expose the arm, please. ‐Yes, Doctor.

Oh.

Ever thought of going into burlesque, Colonel?

‐I'm terribly sorry. ‐Then try to look it.

‐What kind of a place is this? ‐What do you care?

We're open 24 hours a day and the second cup of coffee is free.

‐Morphine. ‐No morphine for me.

Well, it's certainly not for me.

Colonel, this will be very painful.

‐Forget it. ‐Perhaps you'd care to bite on a bullet.

Just do it.

Stockinette, please.

I want to talk to your commanding officer.

Well, right after we set this, we x‐ray it.

And if it's not right, we do it again.

Then you can see my commanding officer,

who's not right, but he won't let us do him again.

What's your name, fella?

Dr. Wasserman.

I'm looking for a cure for V .D.

and I thought this might be a good place to start.

Ready?

‐Uh, sir? ‐Yo.

Colonel Flagg is right outside... inside here, sir.

Oh, Colonel Flagg.

Colonel, I want to talk to you in private, without the corporal.

Oh, you can say anything you want in front of him.

Okay, I will. Get out.

Yes, sir.

‐I see they got the old wing patched up. ‐Yeah.

Care for a belt?

No, thank you.

Hot enough for ya?

‐Colonel. ‐Colonel?

What's your... clearance?

Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.

I mean, security‐wise.

Oh, well, we're a hospital.

Colonel...

I'm gonna have to trust you.

Well, believe me, you can, Colonel Flagg.

Major Brooks.

Lieutenant Carter.

Ensign Troy.

Captain Louise Klein?

I'm C. I. A.

C.I.A.? Wow!

That damn chopper crash

may have ruined a very sensitive mission.

Colonel Flagg was never here. Tell your people.

You can fill out a file on me using any one of these.

Right. Uh, just let me get your names down here.

Don't write.

Memorize. One.

And don't use "Louise." I'll need that next week in Tokyo.

Right.

I don't know how long I'll be here.

That all depends on H. Q.

‐H.Q. ‐Why did you say H. Q.? Whoever told you about H. Q.?

‐Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg. ‐Who's Colonel Flagg?

I mean, I, uh... Gee, could...

could I just look at the cards again?

I forgot who all of you are.

Step outside, Colonel. I wanna make a call.

All right. Can I get the number for you?

I don't know the number.

Then how do you make the call?

I have to throw up.

The number's in a capsule.

Well, I'll just run along then.

‐Colonel. ‐Hmm?

‐Not a word. ‐Oh, don't worry, Colonel.

I don't wanna get in Dutch.

Dutch?

Colonel, I'm authorized to kill...

without requesting permission from my superiors.

Oh. Well, I imagine that cuts down on the old paperwork.

You'll never know what hit you.

Your toothbrush could go off in your mouth.

You could find a tarantula in your shorts.

We could booby‐trap a nurse.

‐Hey, sirs. ‐And ma'am.

And ma'am.

Boy, did I ever just hear something by accident in the office.

You've been giving the wall a physical again, Radar?

Sit down and tell us.

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly's high chair, please.

You know that Colonel Flagg? You fixed his arm?

He's a C. P. A.

No, really. I heard him tell Colonel Blake to keep it quiet,

that he's on a secret mission.

Radar, you mean C. I. A.

Wow!

To think I took his shirt off.

Well, why would you do that?

I had to break his arm, Frank. He was lusting after Margaret.

Those guys are doped up most of the time, you know.

Doped up on patriotism, fella.

‐Something we're in pretty short supply here. ‐Amen.

Radar, we're running low. Get another order of Yankee Doodle.

Yes, sir.

Gee, what a screwy bunch.

Can you believe that Frank?

There's talk of making him the 49th state.

Don't move. You're under arrest.

Vinny Pratt! What a small war.

Trapper John McIntyre, the old dirty doctor.

Vinny Pratt, Hawkeye Pierce.

Vinny and I go way back. I introduced him to his wife.

Now you're here to kill him, right?

‐Care for a belt? ‐No, thanks. I'm here on business.

You?

Trap.

Can I talk in front of him?

Go ahead. I had his tongue cut out.

Makes it very hard to lick stamps.

I'm with Intelligence. G2.

Our people monitored a call from here.

You have a Colonel Flagg on some kind of a mission.

His chopper crashed. He broke his arm.

Oh. That old trick.

What trick? I set the arm. I saw the x‐rays.

Well, believe me, if I know Flagg,

he ordered the chopper to crash,

got out and hit himself with a hammer.

Come on.

It's a switch on the way

he infiltrated the C.I.D. last year.

He drove his jeep into a wall, set himself on fire.

Is this guy available for kids' parties?

Why would this character wanna infiltrate a hospital?

Well, that's what I'm here to find out...

what they're up to and stop them.

I don't get it. What do you mean "they," "them"?

Aren't "them" all part of"we"? Isn't "them" "us"?

Steady, pal.

They always try to make a big score

around appropriation time.

A little showboat for the Senate.

Now, last year they beat us out of $20 million.

Oh, you could make that up out of petty cash.

There must be something pretty big cooking around here

for them to send Flagg.

My orders are to find out what that is.

From now on, I'm Captain Perkins. Priest.

We already got a priest.

Well, then I'm Captain Stone.

Engineer.

‐Colonel Blake? ‐Yeah?

There's a Captain Stone out there that's in here too, sir.

Colonel Blake.

‐Captain Stone. ‐That's not my real name.

‐Oh, boy. ‐I'm Major Strauss. G2.

‐Hey, what's going on with you guys? ‐"Guys"?

I never heard of Colonel Flagg.

Let me level with you, Colonel.

My people wanna know what Flagg's people are up to.

Why do we have to be in the middle?

Can't you let my people go?

I expect your full cooperation, Colonel.

‐Look, give me a break, Strauss. ‐Call me Pratt.

‐But Stone is definitely out? ‐Out.

Man alive, I'm trying to run a hospital,

be an administrator, give orders.

I've got no time for Intelligence,

all this cloak‐and‐dagger stuff.

Full cooperation, Colonel.

What's this?

Paid bill from the Happy Hour Motel, Elkhart, Indiana.

June 1948.

That is your signature, isn't it,

"Mr. Carl Williams and daughter"?

Beside the blurred license plate number?

‐So? ‐So,

the electric blanket control in Room 312 was a microphone.

Holy cow!

The doorknob was a camera.