Central Park

"Happy 100th Birthday, Fred."

Always nice when someone remembers your birthday. May 7th.

A Central Park bench plaque,

whether you're commemorating a special birthday or a special moment.

"To Benny, who Heimliched me at a halal cart. You're my Gyro."

A plaque on a bench is a fancy New York way to sit on life's milestones.

"I love you, Mom." Not super creative, but it gets the point across.

And it's especially relevant today, since it's Mother's Day.

Segue.

-Shh. You're gonna wake up your mom.

I changed her alarm from a.m. to p.m. so we could make the final arrangements.

Sounds like we're gonna kill her.

We're gonna kill her with love and thoughtfulness.

This year, we're gonna blow her mind

by continuing the Mother's Day festivities beyond breakfast in bed.

Wait, what? It's still Mother's Day after 10:00 a.m.?

Yep. We're going the whole day. Or at least until Mother's afternoon.

You kids have a few more hours to get your gifts squared away.

I'm gonna shock her when she realizes I didn't make her something

like I usually do.

This year, I bought her something with my own money because I'm a big boy.

She'll be like, "What? Thank God we had a second child."

So, we're sure about this?

I mean, after so many years of phoning it in,

do you think going all out this year will confuse her?

Confuse her by how much we love her.

Your mother goes all out for us.

Your birthdays, your Christmases, your lost teeth, your found teeth.

And that's why today, we're stepping it up.

And mine!

Good luck.

Okay, you guys know the plan. Breakfast in bed from now until 10:00.

Then Mom and Dad romantic stroll time from 12:00 till 2:00.

Then we meet you at the zoo, where you'll give her your gifts

and the world's best Mother's Day continues.

So, zoo at two. Zoo rhymes with two. That'll help you remember.

Zoo at two, zoo at two. I hope I've got it.

Make sure your presents are wrapped and ready.

I am 100% ready. I just need to wrap it.

You sound ready.

Look at those sentimental slobs, dragging their mothers all over the park.

It is Mother's Day.

What are you doing here? You have the day off.

See you tomorrow. Unless you enjoy my Mother's Day routine,

where I dress Shampagne up as my long-deceased mother.

Which is completely normal. -Yep, totally normal.

Oh, Mother, it's such a joy to have tea with you.

But of course you're here because you love me so much.

After this, we'll braid each other's hair

and then go on a shopping spree! -Oh, Lord.

Before you leave, take my drink list

for the day down to Lionel. -On it.

I think Mother made a little poo-poo in the corner.

Classic Mother. I'll clean it up.

Helen hasn't had a day off in forever, and she's ecstatic.

I mean, you can't tell that she's ecstatic by her face

and the dullness of her eyes, but she is.

She has a few ground rules to lay out for the hotel employees

before she takes her day off.

Don't bother Bitsy. Don't bother Bitsy.

Don't screw up and don't bother Bitsy.

I've secretly appointed one of you to report on the others.

It's Philippe. -Huh?

So whenever Jack Nicholson comes in, I say,

"You can't sit over there. You sit up here by the bar."

How come? -Because I like to tell him,

"You can't handle the booth." -

Hello, Lionel. -I thought you had the day off.

Yep, I'm going. I'm just dropping off Bitsy's drink list.

12:30, 12:45, 1:00. Then no drinks till 2:00?

That's when she pees. -She pees for an hour?

It's a slow drip. -

Yeah, three mimosas and a screwdriver, got it.

Room service order?

Yep, I'm just gonna ask the service bartenders to make those.

Oh, wait, Bitsy fired all of them last week, so I guess I'll make them.

Listen, I told Bitsy you were struggling down here without the extra help.

And? What'd she say? -She just flicked a shrimp at me.

What does that mean? -I don't think it's a good sign.

Maybe I'll just talk to her myself.

I wouldn't do that, unless you like shrimp flying at your face.

She goes for the eyes.

Just make her drinks and we'll deal with this when I get back.

All right. Thankfully, I've got these two talented guys to help me out.

My arms. -

-Check out what I got for Mom.

Oh, nuts. I was afraid this would happen. -What?

That's gonna look like crap compared to my gift,

which I bought with my own money. -Which you bought with my own money.

We know. -A stunning pearl necklace for a princess.

These are fake.

What? They're fake? But they're from the drugstore.

They wouldn't sell fake pearls at the drugstore. It's against the law.

They're plastic. -Yeah.

Pearls aren't made from plastic? -No, they're made from oyster stuff.

Oyster stuff?

Oysters make pearls? Was this on the news?

I can't give her this junk!

That's it. I'm making her a card like every year.

No! We're not little kids anymore, remember?

You're a big boy. That's why this year we bought her stuff.

You're right. Mom needs a real gift, like real pearls.

I need 40 pregnant oysters, stat!

I don't think that's how it works.

Then we gotta go shopping. -Who's we?

If you're not with me, I might buy her a fake hat or something.

What's a fake hat?

Are any hats real? -Okay, I'll go with you.

Milk and three sugars, just the way you like it.

That's very sweet. -I'm a good husband.

I mean the coffee. Three sugars is very sweet.

I also got you this.

Oh, that's so nice. Also, I love having to carry things on a walk.

Get to carry things on a walk.

Shall we continue on with our already incredible stroll?

And if we happen to find ourselves in an admittedly touristy swan boat--

Gosh darn it. -What?

It's nothing. Work stuff.

Sorry, didn't mean to curse. Ignoring it. Today is your day.

No, what is it? -That's an unsanctioned plaque.

What does that mean?

People who don't wanna pay the money put up their own fake plaques.

Sentimental punks, I guess. -Aw.

"It's all really valuable, just keep going.

You'll find the next plaque where the streetlight is glowing."

Great! Not even sentimental, they're just regular punks.

There's a process for plaques.

You fill out forms, you follow the rules. What's not fun about forms and rules?

Huh. "You'll find the next plaque"--

No, no, no. No reportering.

We're not doing an investigative piece about this plaque-simile.

It comes right off and we're gonna keep moving.

"Where the streetlight is glowing."

I just wanna see one thing, real quick.

Paige, I have a super-thoughtful schedule that we kinda wanna stick to.

Don't plaque-block me.

What's that, Mother?

You're sorry you went to Europe on my birthday every year for 40 years?

Oh, I forgive you. -

-One o'clock?

Where's my 12:30 Schnapps Goes the Weasel?

Huh. Why am I so unstable? -

I mean, other than my childhood. Oh, my God. I'm sober!

Dear, God! I'm going to die alone!

Shampagne will eat my corpse. -

Stop that! I'm not dead yet!

I just need my frigging room service!

Helen! Check the dumbwaiter. Helen!

Oh, right, I keep forgetting.

Must get drinkie.

Ms. Brandenham, how's everything?

Thirsty. You're three drinks late, Lionel,

and you've shot my pee schedule to hell. -Sorry.

I'm backed up, 'cause-- Actually, maybe now's a good time to talk to you.

Gross. Trust me, it's not. Make me a Schnapps Goes the Weasel.

I just really need you to-- -

To hire back the... -

...service bartenders. -

Put drinkie in mouthie.

Listen, Bitsy, I'm the only person here who knows how to make your crazy drinks.

Which is bad news for you,

because if you don't hire back the service bartenders, I'll quit.

What? -You heard me.

Take it up with Helen.

She's in charge of the babies and wah-wahs in the hotel.

Which is what I'm hearing. Wah-wah!

Helen's not here, so I'm telling you.

And if I leave, all of my customers leave with me.

"Wah-wah. I'm Lionel.

Now I have to make drinks for the service bar too. Poor me."