Robin Williams: Off the Wall

My name is Robin Williams.

Your pants are so tight, you can tell what religion you are.

My name is Robin Williams.

Cute little guy.

My name is Hank Williams.

Oh.

My name is Robin Williams.

I, Robin Williams, while still a high school senior,

achieved international prominence in the fall of 1955

by discovering a cure for polio.

The following January, I was chosen to serve my country

as the Secretary of Defense.

I spent the next five years chauffeuring George Jessel

to and from Vietnam.

I am currently prime minister of Uganda,

and am visiting this country

to promote tourism in my country.

Your mama, Robin Williams.

Keep up.

Ah.

I'm ready now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Home Box Office and The Roxy

are pleased to present Robin Williams!

Thank you.

God bless!

Stumble.

- You motherfuckers. - Way to go, Robin!

Go, Robin!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you!

- Keep trying, Robin! - Yes!

Thank you. I'd like to thank the Academy.

You've made life too unreal.

Billy Bob, I'm on TV!

I'm so happy to be here, I could drop a log, boy.

This is for you, Marlene.

Squeal!

I'm here!

Yeah, way to go!

Whoa, we got some crazy people here, good.

Oh, damn.

Firstly, before we go on,

is anyone here tonight on drugs?

Me!

Okay.

A quick test right now.

If you are, it's okay.

Don't be afraid.

Come on now, follow me through the wall.

Anyone really stoned right now is going,

"Wow, reality, what a concept."

Too many friends!

So, this is comedy heaven!

Well, we'll put this down.

I guess I'd like to start off

with something that I'm very proud of right now.

I know.

I'll have to ask these people to move back, though.

Yes, you ready, Simba?

Oops, let's wander back just for a second,

way over to the shitty seats way in the back.

Oh.

Shitty sheets.

You're making fun of me.

That's not, oh, look, they've elected a new Pope!

No!

Everyone I've ever known or been to...

There are people here I've slept with twice!

Wait.

I've always wanted to do this.

Hold on, just for a second.

Fred Astaire.

Howdy.

Let me just, these people are back again.

They've jammed 'em.

Welcome to America.

Hold on.

Sanctuary!

Hold on.

Watch now, he could either be very funny

or break his ass.

Quick impression, RCA Victor.

Oh, these are incredible, look at this!

Nice booth, huh, Mister Lincoln?

I will now attempt to do an... no.

That would be in total bad taste.

It would lose many people at home.

One black person, everybody look!

Shh, he's still talking, he's going,

"You better be funny now, motherfucker."

I was, what am I doing up here, oh, two!

Oh, no!

I'm sorry.

We'll do a quick impression now.

I better get back down.

Welcome to Notre Dame.

Way back down.

I'll be right back.

Sorry about this.

This happens some, oh.

This woman is a censor.

She works for ABC.

Let's make her feel...

Thanks for coming, Dad.

What can we do now? We have, oh, I know what to do.

Quick impression.

Like to do something spucial, spucial.

I know, another fuck-up.

You gotta get to them before they get to you.

I made a mistake, come on!

Come on, man, make a mistake again.

One lone hand clapping in the back.

Listen!

Oh, you've infected him now!

It's okay, we'll have a quick, this is a poem, now.

A poem written under the influence of Quaaludes

entitled.

Oh, some more smoke!

I'd like to die.

Get ready now.

Whoa, cab? Too late.

In humor.

We really should get some more people in here.

Hold on, don't go away.

Hold on, human...

Whoa!

Assholes to the right of me, assholes to the...

We'll be right back.

We're just gonna pack this place

'til we break all the health laws!

You can't get out of here, hold on now.

Oh, a human car wash!

Oh, oh, oh!

Hold on, we'll get lots of people in here.

Yo, free cocaine, come on in.

I had to come back here.

More people I know.

This is like a bad dream.

Everyone I've ever, ever known.

But look, now we've changed realities

because those are the shitty seats now.

Oh, there seems to be a hole!

We're going, oh, more cameras!

What is this?

Oh, really, man?

Whew!

Wow, déjà vu, I...

It's time now, oops!

Before I read the poem, I have a quick letter from my mother

I have to share with you.

"Dear scum-sucking," oop, sorry.

We're close.

I haven't seen her in a few years.

Time now for the Evelyn Wood... you're here!

She's, wait, we'll make you feel at home, one second.

No, we'll have to save that for later.

This is really too much fun too early.

This is scary, and my drugs are coming on now, too, look!

Too late!

I'd like to do one esoteric impression.

This is Georgie Jessel on acid. I hope you enjoy.

Thank you much, ladies and gentlemen.

Just got back from Vietnam, but... Mammy...

shut up, Jolie, I'm not...

Not enough for the car, though.

Now, the Evelyn Wood speed-reading poem.

Thank you.

Before I go on, are there any Hell's Angels here tonight?

Those big leather dumb fucks.

Takes a man to say that in a small room.

Hiya!

Grandma, don't pass out again,

or we'll have to jump start ya and blow ya across the room.

He's back there, Billy Bob.

Keep doing the same things.

I guess we should do a quick movie now.

Boy, this is, this is so much fun, I can't tell you.

Don't be afraid of me, I won't hurt you.

You don't find me repulsive, do you?

You haven't seen that movie, have you?

Well, let's go back to mister stage.

Well, one sip.

This will make me, hello.

Laurence Olivier for Ripple Wine.

Take two, hello, Laurence Ripple for Olivier Wine.

Take three, Olivier.

That was very funny. Me dribbling on myself.

I'm glad you didn't pay money to say, oh! Look,

the fog's coming in now.

I must retreat backstage for one brief moment.

But first I, excuse me.

Hell, yeah.

Gonna have a bitching time here.

Hey, baby.

Thank you now, here we go, baby.

Thank you.

Everybody!

Yeah. Play it!