Modern Love

- (Mark chuckles) - Okay. Oh, gosh.

This was great.

Do you want to kiss me good-bye, here, now?

Um, yes.

I-I was gonna walk you to your door.

- Oh. -'Cause you live on the corner, right?

Yeah, but that's okay. You don't even have to.

- You could just do it here. - (chuckles)

Why? What-what, is your dad waiting outside

- with a shotgun or something? - Oh, kind of.

What?

No.

- Uh-huh. - No. It's, uh...

- It's Guzmin. - Ah.

Yeah, he's from Albania.

- You know, he grew up in a labor camp. - Right.

- His parents were political activists. -Oh.

- They were arrested when he was a kid. -Shit.

You know, I-I feel like you're not taking this seriously.

Who the hell is Guzmin?

That is Guzmin.

Your doorman?

No, he's more than a doorman.

It's-it's very hard to explain.

He's become a...

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God, no.

- Don't do that, no. - Why not?

- Come on. (talks quietly) - No.

I-I wouldn't do that.

Is it important to you what he thinks?

- No. Oh, my God, no. - (whistle blows)

No, I'm an independent woman,

and I don't need anyone to help me make up my mind.

Okay.

All right, I better go.

- What? - Yeah.

Here's your taxi.

- Let's go. - What? Wha...

I had a really great time tonight.

Um, do you want to do this again?

Yes, I...

- Yeah. -I mean, I loved talking to you this evening.

I'm free tomorrow night.

I'll call you. - Okay.

Um...

Good night, Guzmin.

Who was this?

That was Mark.

I did not like him.

Save it.

He is not for you.

He is a weak man with no self control.

How can you tell that from 30 feet away?

You learn a lot about a man

through the scope of a sniper rifle.

- He will not be calling you. - Oh, yeah.

He absolutely will be calling me.

Ever. He will never be calling you.

God, I looked so good tonight, okay?

I was so funny. I was scintillating.

I wore my fig perfume,

which is apparently impossible to resist.

I mean, do you... do you want to bet?

I cannot bet on a certainty.

It is against my principles.

Good night, Miss Mitchell.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Feeling frisky. I'm feeling frisky.

: Okay.

He will not be calling you.

He will never be calling you.

Fuck you.

Any news from Mark?

No. No, I haven't even checked. I don't...

It's not my whole life.

- Have a good day, Miss Mitchell. - Yep. You, too.

Damn it, Guzmin. You're good.

So, you review books for a living,

and you live in a building with a doorman?

Yes. The apartment has been in my family for years,

so the rent is stuck in the '80s.

Plus I'm a really fast reader.

So how many books can you read in a week?

Oh, sometimes I read one a day.

- What? - Yeah.

So does that make you, like, really bright?

No. I just know a lot of facts.

I'm like a Wikipedia page with legs.

Yeah, well, I'm lucky if I read one a year.

Sorry.

Yeah, but... you're good-looking.

I can't have both, right?

: Smart and so good-looking.

- Yeah, okay. - It's not a fairy tale.

Thank you for seeing me home.

You're very welcome.

Oh, I like that.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

So, is this a "your place or mine" moment?

What's up?

You know what? Mine.

Yeah?

Yeah. What the hell?

Ah.

- Good evening, Guzmin. - Miss Mitchell. Good evening.

Good night.

Ted.

Ted?

Ted?

Damn it!

Gugmin. Morning.

- How's it going? - Morning.

Another day, another dollar?

You're back.

With bread and croissants?

You beautiful British bastard.

Morning, darling.

Just popped out to get us some breakfast.

Oh, yeah, sure. Of course.

Yeah, come on up.

- (buzzes) - (mouths)

"Good morning, my darling. Morning..."

- Didn't you get in, my darling? I don't like him.

- What? - Teddy.

- You met him for 30 seconds. - Even that was too long.

Okay, well, he's perfectly nice.

All right, it's probably a cultural thing.

You're way too hard on people.

Guzmin, you have to stop failing everyone

- that I bring home, okay? - He is empty-headed.

You are a very bright woman with a PhD.

I'm only thinking of your interests.

Please give him a chance, all right?

He is very polite, and he is, he is sexy

- and he is accomplished - (door closes)

and he is in the apartment.

Croissants? - Have I been ever wrong?

Okay, this is getting weird. He's right here.

- Who are you speaking to? - No one. Bye.

- Hi, Ted. Good morning. - Hi.

- Was that, uh, Gugmin? - Guzmin.

- Yeah, that security guard. - The doorman.

Right. He seems like such a nice chap.

We had a right laugh downstairs.

You know, he's just super friendly.

Oh, yeah? You had a right laugh?

- Yeah. - Okay. (chuckles)

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Good evening, Miss Mitchell. - Hi, Guzmin. How are you?

No complaints.

What did you read today?

- Tell me an interesting fact. - Oh, yeah.

Okay. Um, do you know where the term

"flash in the pan" comes from?

Gold prospectors.

Seeing a flash of fool's gold in the sieve

or a musket flash that doesn't shoot a bullet.

- Am I right? - Yeah.

That's-that's exactly it. Yeah, you're right.

I didn't know that.

You look different. Did you change your hair?

No. How different?

Something has changed about you.

Oh, well, uh, yeah, maybe I'm a bit sad.

Why a bit sad?

Isn't Mr. Ted gracing us tonight?