Saturday Morning Massacre

I got nothin'.

Was that a kid?

I thought our ghost was an escaped convict.

It is.

It's blood.

Oh, Jesus.

Is it yours?

No.

Hamlet.

Hamlet, come on.

Uh, guys?

(WHISPERING) Shh, Chad.

It's a projection.

What the shit?

Can I help you?

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Just cruddy old perverts,

politicians, and real estate developers.

When we first got together, we hunted ghosts.

Sometimes aliens, moss monsters,

the occasional scary robot.

Now we know what we're really after is people...

people with something to hide.

People who want everyone to think there are ghosts.

My best friend Gwen and I

co-founded the gang our freshman year at Oberlin.

She's a great partner in business,

and an even better partner in fighting crime.

Chad's our sound guy,

and he also brings the van.

He's the only one of us

who actually believes in the paranormal,

so he's probably great to have around

in case we ever find something real.

Before we found him, Floyd repaired robots

at a haunted Showbiz Pizza in Seattle.

Now he's the rocking-est resident gearhead

a girl could ask for.

Hamlet's his dog.

Part Great Dane, part something else,

and all affection.

He's the muscle.

And I'm Nancy,

just a few months shy of getting my private detective's license,

and already years into debunking shady shit.

We rip off the masks

so the authorities can slap on the cuffs.

We're really good.

We get to the bottom of things.

Just ask these assholes...

on visitors day...

at the pen...

in Huntsville.

So, you think you busted up a kiddy-porn ring, huh?

We're so glad you guys got here when you did.

The situation here was, these guys had a cover story

of a dead convict haunting the place.

Totally fake.

We even bought high-8 and actually record the ghosts.

We can surrender those to you, if you want.

They were scaring everybody away from ever coming in,

so that nobody was finding out what they were doing.

Shut the fuck up!

We've had this staked out for months.

Fuckin' months.

We have videotape of them bringing in the kids.

Officer, we have...

We have wiretaps!

We were building a case.

You waltz in and fuck it all up.

What do you think this is,

some Saturday morning cartoon show?

I don't watch television.

We're just doing our jobs.

We're paranormal investigators.

Oh, so you're Ghostbusters.

You know what happens to real detectives?

They get killed!

Listen, we got in there before anything happened to those kids, okay?

Nothing happened to them because of us.

Yeah, where were you guys?

Whoa, you didn't do shit but taint evidence

and fuck our investigation.

These guys are gonna be out before happy hour,

probably at the carnival, in line at the Zipper,

if you know what I mean.

What, are you trying to get in touch with your inner child?

Fuck your inner child.

So I can call my parents again and get a loan for us at 15%,

but we haven't paid off the last one yet.

You still owe me money

for one of those installments, by the way.

Do you guys think that that was

cow's blood in there?

It was pig's blood, or something, you know?

This is just total crap.

And who does that?

And you... And you licked it.

How were we supposed to know

it was a sting operation, okay?

I mean, what the hell? It's total crap, right?

Right? It's total crap?

Yes, it's total crap. Yes.

Yes. It is total crap.

Are we talking about the blood,

or are we talking about...

I think we're talking about the situation.

No, we're talking about what happened today.

Did you hear the way those cops were talking to us,

like we were juveniles or something?

Well... They weren't very nice.

You save the kids from pedophiles,

and you don't even get paid for it.

How would you make that sustainable?

Well, I was thinking that maybe

we should refine our business model.

That's a good idea.

Okay, I agree, but what do we do?

I mean, how do we figure out a way to?

Nance, you have to look on the bright side.

We'll figure it out.

I can call my parents anytime.

No. Remember that department store job?

I could work at the pool again.

Hello? Oh, Nancy.

This is Mike Ryan from Buford National Bank.

Hi.

Uh, calling about our haunted house.

Yes...

It is potentially a paying job.

By all means.

All right, sir, I'm gonna work on this.

You have pig blood all over you.

We don't know if it's pig blood.

Ooh, you know what, I didn't tell you this, but...

I don't have my period anymore.

Oh, really?

That's great.

Do you think you can do that for that price?

Yeah, absolutely.

Nancy, that would be really terrific,

'cause, you know, this ghost stuff, you would not believe.

It's just...

We've seen some crazy stuff.

Yeah, I mean, okay. Can I ask you one thing?

Um, this place is... It's really bad, and,

um, it's not like I believe in ghosts or anything like that,

but you do have a...

You do have a contingency plan, right,

just in case...

Oh, no worries.

I mean, we'll figure it out,

whatever it is.

Okay, great, 'cause, you know,

you'd literally be saving my life.

Yeah.

Shut up.

Well, well.

You guys want to be alone?

Hello.

What are you doin', buddy?

What are you guys doing? Just hanging out.

Creepy.

Um, were you just hanging out

with the busboy out there?

Who's your new friend?

So I was stuck in this place for four weeks.

My face is peeling, I can't take a shit.

Okay.

But it's cool, 'cause I'm taking like 18 pills a day.

Mm-hmm.

18 pills a day...

Look, I'm sorry. Your card was declined.

I tried it a couple times.

It'd be like I'm on the tit, right?

'Cause it's for cash. Okay.

That's great. Yes.

That's great. I can't guarantee anything,

but if you can put it to rest

by the end of the weekend,

I might be able to work out a little bonus for you, okay?

That would be fantastic.

Okay, okay, so tomorrow we'll see you.

Tomorrow.

6:30, meet me at the house?

We can absolutely do that.

Great. See you then.

Bye.

Bye.

Did you have a good call?

Do you think every place is your house?

Help me.

Those are like the kind of jobs

that you're not supposed to take,

and you always take those jobs.

I need money, or you can't take a shit.

But I couldn't... Okay!

So you hustled? You hustled, right?

I hustled. Yeah?

Yeah?