Family Guy

Hey, do you think homeless people

ever have sex with each other?

Probably. But I don't want to think about it.

I know for a fact they do.

I spend most of my day breaking up

- in-progress homeless sex. - I bet it stink.

Oh, it stink all right.

So we talking group stuff or just one-on-one?

Oh, anything goes. Whatever you can fit under a tarp.

There's a major hot spot behind the Dumpster

at The Cheesecake Factory.

Hey, what's up with the menus at The Cheesecake Factory?

Why they got to be so big?

Yeah, and why does their menu have ads?

I go there for dinner, not to shop for appliances.

Hey, you know what, guys? This right here,

this rambling, boring conversation containing

already-made-before observations,

this could be a podcast.

Ah. That's actually not a bad idea.

Really? A podcast? Don't you have to be

some sort of whiz kid to do those?

Uh, definitely not... anyone with a computer can make one.

Well, that's it... We're "anyone."

Let's do a podcast from right here in the booth.

Who's in?

- Let's do it! - Yeah, sure.

Is it happening? Are we doing it now?

Awesome! We haven't done anything as a group

since we went birdwatching.

Guys, look.

It's the yellow-headed puffin face.

Oh! Ooh!

It's a solitary creature.

It's feathered crown is designed to scare away mates.

It's known to swell its face

to assert dominance when threatened.

What does it eat, Peter?

Gin and whatever's in the bowl at the airport bar.

I said, damn, what a wild couple of days.

Anyways, 'sup with you guys?

Sorry, amigo, not interested.

This is what happens when you lick your spilled latte

off the steering wheel.

She did that. She's gross.

- Lois, are you okay? - Ugh. Yeah.

It's just my allergies. They've been awful.

I can't figure out what it is.

Maybe it's Brian.

He practically sleeps on top of you.

You could be allergic to him.

Hey, here's an idea, Chris...

why don't you mind your own business?

You know, I did read that people

could develop allergies to their pets.

Brian, maybe you shouldn't sleep in our bedroom

- for a little while. - What?

Well, then where am I supposed to sleep?

How about in your own apartment, like a grown-up?

Do you have a problem with me, Chris?

Why don't you sleep in Stewie's room?

There's plenty of space.

Roomies? Dude! This'll be so ill!

- Who are you? - I'll tell you who.

Your new roommate!

I'm gonna go take a shower

so I can blow my nose into my hands.

Damn it! I hate this house.

- Morning, honey! - Go to hell!

All right, you guys, podcast time.

We got the equipment and the perfect business plan...

give our show away for free, and tell no one how to find it.

Ready?

Hey there, the Net,

welcome to the first episode of Thanks for the Clamories.

I'm here with Glenn Quagmire,

- Hi. - Cleveland Brown...

- and... - Hello.

And Joe Swanson.

Yo-zah!

All right, Quagmire, what do you got for us?

Let's make a clam-ory.

Okay, this is yes or no. Y-You ready, Peter?

Yes or no. French toast.

- Yes. - French fries.

- Yes. - French kissing.

I-I don't know. These questions are weird.

Okay, okay, someone else.

Cleveland, yes or no.

- Velcro shoes. - Hmm, Velcro shoes.

Woo-whee, this is a tough one.

I remember the first time I saw me a pair of 'cro's.

They were on the feet of Spunky Tesik.

Man, they was dandy...

Every time we played touch football,

Spunky would step in a pile of dog poo.

You can wash a shoe, but you can't really wash a lace.

That's why Spunky made the change.

That's the thing about Velcro shoes.

Quiet going on, noisy coming off.

That rip! Spunky's mama thought he was an intruder.

Shot him right in the face.

Had an open casket at the funeral.

But only open on the middle part...

To this day, every time I see a pile of dog doo,

I take a step in it just for Spunky.

So to answer the question, I'm gonna have to say

both yes and no.

All right, that's all the time we got.

I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.S. Postal Service.

When you want something expensive thrown on your porch

and stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service.

What the hell was that?

I know! Cleveland, you ruined the whole podcast.

Yeah, if I wanted to hear a black guy ramble like a lunatic,

- I'd watch Family Feud. - Yeah, I mean, that was worse

than an Italian guy describing someone's sexuality.

Anyway, my brother Louie, he's a...

he's a little off to the side, you know?

Uh, foofy. Uh, up to the knuckle.

He's a... he's a backwards mechanic.

- Likes to play in the dirt. - You mean gay?

Mama!

Marone! Peter!

Mama, Louie's not gay, he's...

he's creative.

Hey, Stewie, thanks for letting me stay in your room.

Oh, Brian, please... It's our room now.

Hey, what are we gonna do tonight?

Ooh, maybe we should watch that movie about Freud

where Michael Fassbender repeatedly spanks

Keira Knightley to orgasm?

- You saw that movie? - I saw that scene.

So, I was thinking this could be your area.

Okay, yeah, yeah. This is great.

And fair warning... Some of the books are pop-up,

- so don't be alarmed. - Aah! Son of a bitch!

Frickin' bird came out of nowhere!

You know, I have a good feeling about this, Brian.

After all, you certainly can't be any worse

than the last roommate I had.

- What the...? - Please don't cry.

She's already very angry at me.

Peter, where are you? You will wash your hands

after you poop.

Shh, shh.

I won't.

You know, this is exciting.

Our second podcast.

All right, but listen up, Cleveland.

No more of your long stories, all right?

Yeah, people aren't used to boring podcasts.

Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose they ought to call me "Jelly,"

'cause sometimes I get on a roll.

That. That.

J... N-None of that.

Welcome once again to Thanks for the Clamories.

Okay, common question that everybody thinks about.

How many fourth-graders you think you could take at once?

- What? - I mean, obviously, if you had to fight

against a million fourth-graders, you'd lose.

So, like, what's... what's the real number?

Like, what's the legitimate number of fourth-graders

that you could successfully take on?

Let's say a hundred. That sounds reasonable.

Oh, no way. A hundred and you're dead.

- Why are we fighting, now? - 'Cause they're idiots.

Did they say something about my mother?

What...? Yes. Okay, yeah, yeah, we'll say yes.

- Oh, then a baker's dozen. - What kind of weapons?

Only what's available in the schoolyard.

You could really mess up some kids with a chain from a swing.

Just da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

All right, tell you what I'd do, I'd back into a bathroom stall,

and just start kickin'. Dead! Dead! Dead!

Keep comin'! Dead! Give 'em a narrow entry point,

make 'em come in single file.

Dead! Dead! Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say

800 fourth-graders.

Why are we talking about killing kids?

People are gonna hate this. Peter, do something else, quick.

I'll-I'll... uh, what if I play some kick-ass music?

Kick-ass? This is not kick-ass.

Wait, hang on, hang on, I'll find something.

You're playing two songs at once.

- What even is this? - I-I don't know.

I'm just pressing buttons!

I got to admit, it does have a groove.

Look! Those people are even dancing to it.

Aw, great! I accidentally started Chris's birth video.

Ow! O-O-O-O-O-Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Kill me!

Hey, what's that song you're playing?

I don't know, it's just random garbage from my computer.

Oh, you're a deejay! That's perfect!

I own a nightclub for cocaine people and Armenians.

I need noise. You available?

- We're in! - Great!

I'll see you guys Wednesday at 2:00 a.m.