M*A*S*H

Hold on. Just a second, just a second.

All right, give me the money.

Okay, you got it.

All right, fine. Do you have a‐‐

Do you have a bet?

All right.

Okay‐‐

‐(chatter) ‐Okay, all right.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Attention. Three minutes to Charlie.

Repeat, three minutes to Charlie.

Try to feel compassionate.

Remember, even one of our saints received

a Dear John letter.

Attention, all personnel. Attention.

Three minutes to Charlie.

Has anyone picked 40 yards, Radar?

Uh, oh, no, Father. It's still open.

Good, good. If I'm lucky,

the proceeds go to the Bible fund.

Oh, me, too.

I say, Reggie, you come here often?

Only when my horse is running.

Rather!

Ah, our turf accountant. Jolly good.

You guys got the same place as yesterday?

Of course, my good man, and be quick about it.

Okay. Trapper, you're 47. Hawkeye, 62.

Good show. Carry on.

Pip, pip.

‐Right‐o. ‐Cheerio.

You guys got a cold?

Won't be long now, folks. Stand by for Charlie.

‐Take cover! ‐MARGARET: Air raid!

What air raid? It's 5:00 Charlie.

He's the enemy, trying to destroy us from the skies!

Oh, come on, Frank.

He's been trying for six weeks.

He hasn't hit anything yet.

I think he washed out of kamikaze school.

He's a loner, Frank, a misfit.

He's an airborne menace, and he's going to bomb us.

Well, he has a lovely day for it, hasn't he, Reggie?

‐Oh, hear, hear. ‐Where, where?

Frank, give them a direct order.

Oh, do, Frank. We've never ignored one of those.

I'm a major. You're only captains.

That's just an accident of birth.

Yes, we were born majors.

Someone switched us in our cribs.

‐Very funny. ‐It's true.

We're twins, identical majors.

‐Shall we? ‐Rather.

How can you clown this way?

Don't you realize the danger you're in?

Frank, you realize for us.

‐And you protect us, Uncle Frank. ‐Well‐‐

By Jove, I believe I hear Charlie.

Who put water in my gun?

How do you know it's water?

This isn't even‐‐ Where is my gun?

‐We sold it. ‐We beat it into plowshares.

Oh, come on, Frank.

It's not funny, hiding a person's weapon.

I say, shall we toddle off?

Oh, yes, no one seated after the first act.

Yo.

‐HENRY: Metzenbaum Scissors. ‐NURSE: Metz.

I can't see anything. Richardson retractor.

‐NURSE: Big or little? ‐HENRY: The big one.

Boy, this kid's got more junk in him

than a used car lot.

Attention. Attention.

One minute to Charlie.

The betting book is now closed.

Here he comes, that old bugger.

Right on time.

What's your number, Ginger?

32 1/2 yards.

Forget it, honey. You haven't got a chance.

3‐0 chromic, GI.

What number have you got, Doctor?

You got me two instruments here, honey.

Just one at a time. That's a girl.

Well, I'm not saying. I'm not saying.

Two of mine stolen last week.

Gimme some more retraction.

My little arms are breaking already.

32 1/2 yards.

You're out of your pretty little mind, honey.

All right, Doctor, let's clean this place up, right here

That's a boy.

How can you sit there and just let yourself get bombed?

One good bombing deserves another.

‐("Call to the Post" on bugle) ‐Down in front, Frank.

Honestly, you can't take him anywhere.

And now,

direct from North Korea,

here he is for the sixth hit week,

5:00 Charlie, his airplane,

and his astigmatism!

‐Ah, there he is. Charles. ‐Oh, yes.

Hello, Charles!

I say, he's got a cough today, doesn't he?

It's a wonder he can fly at all.

Oh, yes. He looks rather peaked to me.

Fragile.

Well done, shot.

But he missed.

Oh, yes. Bad luck, Charles.

See you tomorrow.

And that concludes 5:00 Charlie

for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed him

as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to ya.

Results of the pool will be announced

in just a few minutes.

Join us tomorrow, same time.

Until then, have a nice war.

I say, shall we repair for the digs

and wait for the results?

Good idea. We're nearly out of plasma.

Nurse, you're out of uniform.

Where?

How about my place in five minutes?

‐Colonel! ‐Look, Frank,

Charlie is like one of our own.

I mean, how else would we know it's 5:00

if he didn't come over and try to blast that ammo dump?

Why can't anyone take this seriously?

It's cute, huh?

I got this little outfit in the Tokyo P. X. last week.

Colonel, I must insist‐‐

I didn't know they were naked underneath.

You're not supposed to look under there.

Colonel, I insist you do something about these raids!

Aw, gimme a break, Frank. Get off my back.

Well, history certainly repeats itself.

Nobody listened to Billy Mitchell, either.

Who's Billy Mitchell?

A general who advocated a strong Air Force.

Gary Cooper played him.

Here I thought he played Sergeant York.

He did, but he also played Billy Mitchell and Lou Gehrig.

And he was for a strong Air Force.

Hey, that's pretty surprising for a first baseman.

I am certain that General Clayton

would send us an antiaircraft gun.

And I am sure that General Clayton

is not in the rent‐a‐gun service.

And anyway, who'd shoot the thing?

Well, I've had some gunnery experience.

I was in the R. O. T. C.

You'd think a man with R. O. T. C. training

wouldn't go peeking up a doll's skirt.

‐Well, I am a doctor. ‐Mm‐hmm.

Anyway, what about calling the general?

I can't call the general, Frank.

General Clayton's not in his office, sir.

They'll call back.

Good, I didn't want to talk to him anyway.

Well, he's not there. This is yours, sir.

Mine?

You came closest with 75 1/2 yards.

There's almost a hundred bucks there!

Zowie! Holy moly!

Corporal Johnson came next with 22 3/4.

‐Oh, yeah? ‐This is insane.

Nobody bet on the Battle of Britain.

He who controls the skies controls the war.

Hermann Goering said that.

Yeah, well, he also wore tutus

and ate whole bakeries, Frank.

I'll file these forms for you, sir.

Yeah, file those forms. Whoops.

Hi, Henry. Just heard the great news.

Hey, congratulations, Henry.

You got a contract out on Henry, Frank?

Hey, listen, we're havin' a poker game

in The Swamp tonight. Saved you a seat.

If you can't make it, just send the money.

‐(phone ringing) ‐This calls for a celebration.

General Clayton, sir.

Oh, thanks, Radar. Henry Blake here.

Get me General Clayton right away, please.

Oh, this is General Clayton.

Henry Blake here.

How‐How‐How are you, General?

Oh, just fine.

Uh, no, no, sir.

No, I'm afraid you were a little short.

Well, no, I think you had, uh, um‐‐

Radar?

52 yards, Colonel.

52 yards, Colonel.

Right, uh‐‐ Oh, sir? Excuse me.

While I've got you on the pipe,

the suggestion's been made that we could use

an 04ww nug.

Yeah, that's right, sir.

A nug so that we can, um, uh‐‐