Two and a Half Men

Hi. Hi, Uncle Charlie.

How was your game?

Ah, the musicians' softball league is a joke.

Guys trying to catch stuff that isn't there.

People throwing up on an easy double play ball.

So why do you go?

There's an open bar, and they let me pitch.

Well, I've got to get dressed.

Uh, I was going to throw this toast out,

but it's yours if you want it.

When did I become the family dog?

Hey, Jake, what's this? A phone message?

Yeah, some lady called for you.

Who? I can't read your writing.

"You're a big, selfish jerk."

Okay, I know who this is.

Amy.

Probably Amy.

Yep, Amy. She wants you to call her back.

Yeah, that'll happen.

Why not?

Because I never said I'd call her back.

Remember this, Jake.

Never make promises to women that you don't intend to keep.

And you know how you do that?

Always keep my promises?

That might work.

A better way is never make promises.

What happens if Amy calls again?

Okay, I'm glad you asked that.

When the phone rings at Uncle Charlie's house,

we don't just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it.

No.

What we do,

is we check the caller ID.

And only pick up if we want to talk to that person.

Like Mom?

That depends.

Your mom, yes. My mom, no.

How come you don't want to talk to your mom?

I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink.

What if I want to talk to your mom?

Okay, that kind of attitude

is going to break down the whole system.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

Dad, no, don't pick up the phone!

Why not?

It might be your mom.

Or a woman.

It's Amy again. She just won't give up.

Charlie...

Hey, look, I appreciate the need for privacy,

but I think you're sending a bad message

to my son about how to deal with women.

How so?

He thinks it's okay to avoid somebody

just because the conversation might be uncomfortable.

Charlie?

Okay, that's not funny.

Look, if I'm teaching the kid anything,

it's honesty.

Really?

Walk me through the lesson, Charlie.

Educate me.

Okay.

I tell women up front I'm not looking

for a long-term relationship.

Mm-hmm.

If they don't believe me

or they're determined to change my mind,

I have a right to avoid that conversation.

And the phone company obviously agrees with me,

otherwise they wouldn't have invented Caller ID.

Uncle Charlie, what if somebody you don't want to talk to

comes over instead of calls?

Tell them I'm not here.

He's not here, Grandma!

Mom, you just surprised me.

You should have called first.

Charlie, I call constantly.

You screen like an Olympic drug tester.

I'm happy to see you, Mom.

I don't believe you, sweetheart,

but at least you care enough to lie.

Hey, I care enough to lie. You just caught me off-guard.

So what are you doing here?

Well, I'm showing a house up the beach,

and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood,

I would drop off a gift for my grandson.

You're writing him a check?

What kind of gift is that?

You told me he likes Transformer toys.

This check transforms into any toy he wants.

Wow, thanks, Grandma.

Is that all? Don't I get a hug?

Oh, your grandma loves you

so, so, so much.

Oh! Grandma's got to go to work.

Nobody just gives her checks.

Walk me out.

In case you're at all interested,

I've been seeing a man,

and he just may be the one.

Hey, five time's a charm.

Four.

But what about the guy with the...?

That was annulled. Oh.

Oh, boy, are we going to have a new daddy?

Oh, bite me, Charlie.

Now I'd like to have a dinner at the house

so you boys can meet him.

What night is good for you?

Uh, what night do you want us?

Uh, uh, uh. I asked you first.

...check my calendar... ...don't really want to...

Tomorrow night. 7:00.

It's very important to me, and I hope you can make it.

But I'll certainly understand

if you're too busy for your mother.

You know what she's trying to do, don't you?

Of course I know.

Then maybe one of us should go.

Oh, sure, you go, I look bad.

What do you care?

I don't care. Then don't go.

I'm not going. I'm not going either.

I'm not staying.

We'll eat, we'll go.

No coffee, no dessert.

We can't be rude.

Watch me. I refuse to let that woman...

Hi, Mom.

Better late than never.

We're right on time.

I was referring to the big picture.

Hey, Grandma.

And look, you've brought Jake to meet my new beau.

Come here, sweetheart.

Now tonight, you and I are going to play a game,

and the name of the game is...

"Don't call me Grandma."

What kind of game is that?

It's a fun game, honey.

It only has one rule: you have to call me "Evelyn."

Okay.

Try it.

Evelyn.

See? We're having fun already.

Oh, look, you didn't bring wine.

Good. Too many people bring wine.

Tommy, darling.

I'd like you to meet my sons.

This is Charlie.

Hello. Hi, Tommy, how are you?

Alan.

Hello. Alan.

And this is Jake.

Yes, I am, Evelyn.

Let's not beat it to death, okay?

Good to meet you, Jake.

Oh!

There you are.

Boys, this is Tommy's daughter, Olivia.

Hey, hello, Charlie.

Hey, there... stranger.

You two know each other?

I thought I knew him.

Oh, no.

Okay, who'd like a drink?

I would like a drink.

Charlie, come help me with drinks.

Alan, talk to Olivia.

Alan was a cesarean.

Oh.

It-it wasn't, uh, medically necessary.

She just... had a function to go to.

Is there anyone

in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Come on, we went out a couple of times.

She assumed it was an exclusive thing,

and when she found out it wasn't,

she got a little upset.

Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy.

I'm very happy for you. Good night.

Charles...

you are not going anywhere.

This man is very important to me.

No we are going to have a nice dinner,

you are going to be charming,

and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact

that you've defiled his daughter.

Hey, she wasn't exactly "filed" when I met her.

You don't know how lucky you are

to have a mother like Evelyn.

She is the warmest, most affectionate,

giving woman I've ever know.

That's my mom.

Call her "Evelyn."

That's the game.