Men of a Certain Age

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Aw, geez.

Our website looks like shit.

What the hell?

Here we go. One time.

Unh. Yeah.

Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Look, I don't know how they snuck that shit on our website,

but we got to get serious.

That thing is everywhere, O.

"Scarpulla, boyeeee!"

Oh!

- Please, don't. - Sorry.

Scarpulla is not content to just coexist in peace.

He's trying to swoop in in our moment of weakness

and take everything.

Are we weak? I thought we were doing all right.

We're doing great.

But, hey, the best defense is a good offense.

So, first off, new promotions.

We're giving out free car washes all month long.

Right? Get a nice big line going.

You guys are gonna have a bunch of face time with potential ups.

And we're also doing a new commercial.

You can't be in it. Nothing personal, Lawrence.

We just already have a homegrown star.

Aw, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute, O.

You didn't think I was gonna let all that talent go to waste, did you?

Ladies and gentlemen, the new face of Thoreau Chevrolet!

Hollywood!

Arriba! Arriba!

Hey, Bill, what's up?

'Cause, you know, I'm still not doing the bookie thing.

Dude, calm down.

I still owe you $500. I'm trying to be a good guy.

I'm just gonna swing by.

No. By the store? No, no. You don't got to do that.

Um... Actually, you know what?

As far as the money, Merry Christmas.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, why not?

I could let it ride. Cubbies have been covering.

No. No, no, no, no.

You just, uh... Start an I.R.A. or something.

Geez, thanks, Joe.

You know, between Manfro getting cancer

and you going all boy scout on me,

I got a whole bagful of money I don't know what to do with.

I'm sure you're gonna figure something out, right?

- All right, I'll see ya. - Nice knowin' ya.

Whoa, Mr. T, did you get demoted?

Mm-hmm! New unis, guys.

Got the logo on the front. You see that?

All right. Cool.

It's all right.

There's no music. Come on, what's up with that?

- Oh. - Come on, guys. We're slipping here.

I know you hate my music, but, uh...

Come on.

Yeah, that's broke.

Well, for how long?

Come on, didn't anybody think to maybe tell me?

Didn't want to bug you, Mr. T.

You haven't been here that much, and Dashaun and me

are trying to be managers like you asked.

But there's a lot to do.

Okay, yeah, I get it. I get it.

I'm just -- I'm not mad at you guys.

I'm not. But here's the thing.

I'm actually gonna be around more.

What about the Senior Tour?

Store comes first. It's gotta, right?

But first we got to shape this place up.

We got to fix this damn thing.

You know what? We should paint.

That's what we'll do.

I'm gonna close the store up tomorrow,

we'll all pitch in, we'll get it done fast.

All right? I'll buy pizza.

You guys start putting all that together, okay?

I think I got some tarps in the back. Let me look.

Hey, boss.

Hey, sorry about springing the commercial on you that way.

I just got all excited.

Yeah, you know, it's exciting.

It's very, uh --

Come on, man. You got to do it.

- I really don't want to. - Okay, I know.

I can't do another bad commercial, O, all right?

The guys are still making fun of me

for those spots on the Internet.

Okay, look, look, ups come in --

they want to talk to the TV guy.

If you're the TV guy, you're gonna double your sales.

Double the-- that's a fact.

Now, my dad used to be the guy.

But we need to freshen things up.

And I feel like you're the secret weapon.

Scarpulla looks like a shyster in his commercials.

But if we bust out with a professional actor,

all-American, good-looking, huh?! O...O...

Come on, man. Dude, I'm telling you.

You're the key to kicking his ass.

- All right. - Yes!

Yes. The new face of the company.

Look, I'm not gonna hang you out to dry.

I'm spending money I don't have on this thing.

And I don't know much about show business,

but it's gonna be good... Classy.

Okay.

Classy.

Hey, can you dance?

I'm messing with you.

What's up? You all right?

You need an emergency bag of lucky charms?

I'm going on fumes. No sleep again last night.

Work stuff or just peeing?

Work.

Woke up every night this week, 4:00 a.m.,

million thoughts runnin' through my head.

Oh, I get that shit, too.

It's like obsession wake-up call.

4:00 a.m., start thinking of stuff.

I know I ain't going back to sleep.

You know what knocks me out is mint tea.

Yeah, I'm sitting in bed wondering, "Do I even exist?"

You think I'm shutting that down with tea?

I'm just saying. Sleep like a baby.

The only thing that's gonna make me sleep like a baby

is seeing black numbers on my spreadsheet instead of red.

What, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Fantasy woman.

I got to tell you, she's not that hot.

No, you're tired and stupid and still kind of fat.

Oh!

She's a good-looking woman,

but, you know, you've done better.

Better than her?

Yeah, what about what's-her-face,

the blind-date hygienist lady where you came in your pants?

Dori, you mean? Yeah, that's not what happened.

I'm talking to her. You know what?

I don't give a damn. It's about time.

Right. Right.

Here we go! Hey.

Oh, hi!

- Yeah. Hi. - Hi.

I haven't seen you up here in a while.

Oh, yeah, I just -- you know, I've been crazy with the store

and, uh, well,

a lot of stuff going on.

So, uh, you know?

Joe's been playing a lot of golf.

He's trying out for the Senior Tour.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

You must be good.

I'm, uh -- I'm okay. I'm all right, you know?

I'm not actually trying out for the tour.

I was gonna, but I'm not now.

But, yeah, I could give you some pointers

if you want to know how to hit a bad shot.

Well, thanks. I'll think about that.

- Okay. - Yeah. See you later.

Okay. Bye-by bye.

She's gonna think about that.

You know, normally, I'd say that's bullshit,

but that had a not-bullshit inflection to it.

You're not trying out for the tour?

Uh, no. No, I'm not.

Dude, that's all you been doin' for the last six month.

Well, that's all I been trying to do.

Now, look, I practiced, I got a coach, I tried.

It's just -- it ain't gonna happen.

Can't you keep on practicing?

Well, the uh, pre-qualifying's here, next week.

So... No.

Yeah, but what about Albert?

Wasn't he supposed to caddy and all that?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

So maybe he'll see that you can't neglect shit

and it magically works out.

Okay, all right. I mean, that's fine, Joe.

Just, you know, we're surprised, that's all.

Yeah. Just seemed like you wanted to do that.

I know.

Well, you know, the good news is

that it looks like the fantasy woman might be into you.

Oh. You got to put that in my head?

Well, what? You said it first.

Yeah, but I'm just bullshitting myself.

You're saying -- aw, now I'm gonna be thinking, "Hey, maybe."

I'm not gonna sleep tonight now.

I'm gonna call you at 4:00 a.m.

Oh, God.

Me and the fantasy woman. Can you imagine that, though?

I mean, if it's --