Baby Daddy

Okay. Now, Emma, say "daddy."

Come on. You can say it.

It's just "da" with a "D" on the end of it.

"Dada" is also acceptable.

Just keep repeating it.

Kids say what they hear all day.

Thats why I'm pretty sure my first words were "I'm sorry, officer."

Okay, people, she is on the move.

Sondra just texted and she's on her way down.

Bro, I don't think I can break up with her, man.

She's not gonna take it well.

Oh, I know.

Tell her I moved, or... or died,

or died on the move.

Dude, calm down.

Just do it like we rehearsed,

where, may I say, Danny played a spot-on Sondra.

Oh my God, Tucker, you're adorable!

I'm adorable! We're adorable!

A-dor-able!

Hey, we're here for you, man.

Go! Go! Oh, God!

Oh my God, I was just gonna text you when you texted me.

It's like we're on the same wavelength,

which is weird, 'cause we are not, at all.

Yeah, about that...

Tucker, we need to talk.

Hey, that's my line.

It's not you, it's me.

Hey, that's also my line.

Tucker, can you pay attention?

I am breaking up with you!

Oh my God, that wasn't as hard as I thought it was gonna be.

So, see you around the building.

What just happened?

Wow, we did not rehearse that version.

Dude, you are so lucky.

You get all the benefits of breaking up, but all the sympathy of being dumped.

God, I envy you!

What is wrong with me?

I can't even keep somebody that I don't want.

I'm pathetic. (Mimics Sondra) Pathetic!

Actually, tuck, it's more like... Pathetic!

Man, I don't think this is working.

My lap is wet, my boys are numb, and I'm still depressed.

Ice cream sucks.

Yeah, I agree, but Mr. Romantic comedy over here

thinks we have to eat our feelings.

And how'd I get stuck with Sherbert?

Sherbert never fixed anything.

"I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy

asking him to love me."

Gets me every time.

I just wish I knew why every relationship I'm in

ends in complete and total failure.

Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places

only to realize that the perfect girl

was right there, all along.

Maybe she was the best friend at your best friend's wedding?

Wow, you totally got dad's genes.

Actually, these are mom's.

Don't worry, Tucker.

Okay, you just haven't met "the one" yet.

Well, you've met the crazy one,

the weird one,

the one-you-weren't-even- sure-was-a-girl one.

You just haven't met the one one.

Yeah, I have.

Olivia Jones.

We went out in college, and she loved and left me.

It's kind of becoming my life story.

You should make that into a movie.

They already have.

It's super romantic until the end...

When she dies.

"101 ways to please your man."

If you need more than one, you're doing it wrong.

Oh my God, I'm so glad you're home!

Well, that makes one of us.

I really, really need to talk to another woman,

and none of my girlfriends are around,

my mother's in Europe, and my mom-aunt is on tour,

and my sister, well, ugh, I hate her,

so... here I am.

Well, obviously, I'm flattered.

This guy at work who was hired after I was

just got promoted.

This is just a theory,

but is he a better lawyer than you are?

No.

And it's totally unfair.

Because Jeremy is always taking his frat buddies to clubs and expensive lunches

with his corporate card

while I slave away at the office, and use my card for actual business!

Just like, like yesterday,

when I took my client, Jill, for a latte.

But, do I get promoted? Oh no!

Meaning no matter what I have up here,

I will never have what he has down there.

Great speech. Yes, and really good stuff.

Listen, cupcake,

why do you think they gave you a corporate card in the first place?

To get out there and drum up business!

Okay, when one of those frat buddies accidentally kills a hooker in Vegas,

who do you think he's gonna call?

- Housekeeping? - No!

No, his lawyer, Jeremy.

If you want to get ahead, you need to start playing by their rules.

- I need to kill a hooker - (Groans)

No!

No, you need to reel in the big fish!

Okay, trust me.

You gotta schmooze 'em and booze 'em, or you're gonna lose 'em.

I don't even know where to start!

Where do I go? What do I do?

Okay, first off, just pull yourself together!

Ow!

But, more importantly,

why don't you take me to lunch, and we can just bounce around some ideas?

I'm thinking Chez Lumiere.

Ooh, that place is really expensive.

Well, then it's a good thing you're not paying for it.

God, you're slow.

Hey, Ben, guess who that is.

- No idea. - It's Tucker's ex-girlfriend Olivia.

I found her online!

Why'd you do that?

We're getting them back together.

Why would we do that?

Because she's the one that got away,

the love of his life!

It's nearly impossible to get over someone if you've loved them your whole life.

Oh, you mean like me and Riley?

Yeah, that could be what I mean.

Do I get credit for helping?

- Totally. - God, Tucker's lucky to have us.

Olivia, hi, I'm Ben Wheeler...

- Hi. - ...Tucker's best friend.

It was my idea to bring you here today.

Oh, this is so weird. Are you sure he even wants to see me again?

Well, you're hot, so I'll go with yes.

And he's desperate, so I'll also go with yes.

I don't know. Tucker was sweet.

He just never really had a sense of direction,

wasn't much of a go-getter.

Well, he's totally going and getting stuff now.

He's a super successful producer on a big TV show.

To be honest, we both look up to him.

That's figurative. He probably hasn't grown since you've seen him.

Mrs. Lobster, I'm sorry.

Your husband won't be making it home tonight.

He had a late dinner.

Here's to corporate cards.

- That was butter. - I know that now.

Doesn't it feel good to be splurging like the big boys?

Well, it's definitely easier than killing a hooker.

I do feel a little guilty.

Hey, I could be your client someday.

Things don't pick up in the real estate business, I could sue this place.

All it takes is one hot coffee spilled on your lap, and...

Oh, damn it!

I really did spill coffee!

Oh, thank you.

Oh my God, it's actually not that bad.

Oh, that's just the tax.

Perrin?

Mr. Reynolds, hi! Oh my gosh, hi!

I'm just finishing up, and I will be back at the office in no time.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Well, don't look at me for answers, I drank my lunch.

I can see you're entertaining a client here,

so take all the time you need.

Although, fair warning,

if it's Bob from the Thatcher case,

he'll drink you under the table,

and you'll end up in bed with his wife.

- (Laughing) - It's... it's not.

Hey, Perrin, you play golf?

Um, not really.

I told the other partners you weren't a lesbian!

Hey, you keep up the good work!

- Who was that? - My boss.

And he told me to keep up the good work.

As in, I'm doing good work. As in, this is working!

Well, if work we must,

may I suggest we continue slaving away over pedicures?

Well, it would be criminal not to.

Cheers!

Tucker, we got a surprise for you!

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Last time you two had a surprise for me, we had to call animal control.

Dude, this is even better than the ferret,

and I highly doubt this surprise will die in your wall.

Tuck, you don't need to be sad and lonely anymore!

- We found Olivia! - Olivia?

Wait, my Olivia?

She broke my heart, my spirit, and my stereo system, all in one day!

Okay, maybe this isn't better than the ferret.

You guys don't get it.

She's not just my ex-girlfriend, she's my ex-wife!