Life in Pieces

I have a little something for you, dear.

Why? Oh, wait,

did I tell you today was some sort of Mexican holiday?

Because I make up a ton of those to get out of things.

No, I caught on to that a long time ago.

Oh, thank you notes. 50 of them.

Well, 49, actually.

I put one aside

so you can thank me for the thank you notes.

I don't understand.

People are asking me

if you received their wedding gifts,

because they never received your thank you notes.

Oh, this is a hint.

No, no, uh, the last box of cards I gave you was a hint.

Now I'm begging you.

But only if you feel the urge.

I thought we had a year to write thank you cards.

No, they have a year to give us a gift.

But we are supposed to write a thank you note right away,

so they know their gift arrived.

What is that? What voice are you doing?

Just some dumb person who says dumb things.

- Okay. - We have to do this.

Right, no, you're right, it's important to show appreciation.

No, we have a surrogate who's about to be pregnant

with our baby; We need gifts.

We can't have people mad at us,

especially when most of the stuff

on the registry are just gifts for us.

Why did you start a registry? We don't have a baby yet.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna need a Waterpik.

Okay. Okay.

So, what if we do

one thank you for everyone, like, like, a fun video

that they can just watch over and over again?

Yeah, that's so much better, because videos last forever.

I know that from experience.

Hello, family, friends.

It's us, America's sweethearts, Colleen and Matt.

You may be wondering why we're surrounded

by cookware, flatware and several used gift cards.

That's because these are all of the amazing wedding gifts

you've given us.

Perhaps you even recognize yours.

If that's the case, this video's for you.

And please, if you don't see your gift here,

don't worry, many were exchanged for cash.

So thank you all so very much

for making us feel so loved and so appreciated.

And please, share this video

with anyone you know who did give us a gift,

but who is not CC'd above.

But don't you dare reply all, 'cause that's super annoying.

Okay, does anybody else

feel like Matt and Colleen just took a big dump on them?

You know, the real question is: Who got them that camera?

- You're the problem. - We did.

Oh? I'm glad they used it.

Wait, so people who gave big gifts are just lumped in

with people who gave, like, a candle?

What did you get them?

An ancient Inuit heart carved out of walrus tusk,

which in native cultures represents eternity.

- We got it at Marshalls. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, can someone please pass the potatoes?

Mm. Yeah, here you go.

Thank you, Sam.

You're welcome.

I passed the potatoes.

Oh, yeah, but, about a year ago, Sam passed me some potatoes,

and I never thanked her for it.

In fact, let me just do a-a blanket thank you to everyone,

uh, for anything they might have

or might not have done to help me get food into my mouth hole.

My thanks. And Jen's.

I think this is about our video.

You got something you want to say to me, Greg?

Yeah, because if you do, you know, you can just make

another video, and then just send it out to the whole family.

Wait, are people seriously upset about this?

That's what we do, Uncle Matt, we judge.

It's lovely that you took the time to thank the family.

But I think perhaps a group message, uh,

feels a little impersonal,

and perhaps something only a monster would do.

Yeah.

How could you?

Joan, is this because I didn't use the note cards you gave me?

Because I can go back to that store that I returned them to,

and buy them again.

Wait, come on, you guys.

Handwritten notes are so old-fashioned, right?

Yeah.

What? No, that's not true.

No, every week, I write Joan a thank you note for brunch.

So you're the reason we keep having these?

This is crazy.

So, we have to thank people for every little thing now?

Oh, yeah, smart. Turn it on them.

Okay, fine.

Fine. Jen, thank you for the bagels.

Feels pointed. Sam,

thank you for not busting me

when I double dipped. Tyler and Clementine,

you're both good kids; Thanks for,

you know, scoring me that thing for me

that I can't talk about but we all know

what I'm talking about.

Timmy, thank you for always having my back.

Heather, thank you for being

the best big sister that a guy could ever ask for.

And, Greg, thank you very much

for helping me out after my divorce, man, really.

Mom and Dad, thank you,

for thousands of dollars,

and thousand of hours of love.

Okay.

Is everyone happy?

I'd still like mine in writing.

Okay.

You want anything else, Soph?

Yeah. I'd like to get the top of my ear pierced.

Oh, not again.

Listen, you are way too young for that piercing.

But you always tell me to express my true self.

And my true self is like that pretty bartender

at The Cheesecake Factory.

Honey, he cannot be your role model.

But you let Samantha do it.

Because they like me better.

That's not true. We like whoever isn't here best.

Where is good old Tyler?

Samantha had to wait until she was 15, okay?

So let it go.

Okay, if you can explain to me the difference

between this part of my ear and this part of my ear.

All right, Tim, you take that one.

You're the ear doctor.

All right. This is connective tissue,

and this is trashy to have pierced.

It's a baseless, arbitrary distinction, and we all know it.

Oh, my God, she is, like, a professional arguer.

You know, I mean, if that were, like, a real job.

She's been doing mock trials at school.

You should see her practicing with her stuffed animals.

She argued Mr. Pickle out of the death penalty.

And they had DNA.

Is it too late to teach her that being pretty

is better than being smart?

Did you think I wasn't gonna find out?

Find out what?

You didn't let Sam pierce her ear

because she was 15,

you let Sam get her ear pierced

because she got straight A's.

- Tim? - What?

I'm alone with her in the kitchen.

- I need backup. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just got straight A's, so I'll go start the car.

Oh.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, we are thinking about it, okay, Sophia?

Well, I know from experience, that's a future yes.

So can't we just save our energy and get right to it?

No, it's not always a future yes.

I mean, I asked your Mom about something last night,

and she said she'd think about it; It turned out to be a no.

Sometimes the best you got is

you got to just go online and watch videos of girls

getting their ears pierced over and over again.

It's not as good as doing it yourself, but...

sometimes that's all we got.

Okay, well, mock trial taught us

that a "no" without a sound argument behind it

is simply an invitation for further debate.

I accept your invitation

and will see you soon.

See, Heather, if you let me give her the keys,

we wouldn't be in this position.

Okay, th-that's not, no... ugh.

Hey, Jen, hi. So, you're a lawyer.

Still the one thing I wish I never told you.

Well, Sophia is doing mock trial for school,

and she would love to have a real lawyer to, you know,

practice her arguments with.

She was just too scared to ask you.

Oh, I love it when people are afraid of me.

What's the topic?

Body mutilation.

Yeah, she's got the affirmative,

so you would need to take the negative,

and just really, you know, just...

Full-court press. Yeah, no mercy.

Yeah, I wouldn't say try to make her cry, but...

- Well, you know. - Wow, embarrassing

if you lost, huh?

- I won't lose. - Ah.

If one person in the family,

like, say, Samantha, gets to have a second piercing,