Shakespeare.And.Hathaway.Private.Investigators

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

DOG GROWLS

DOG BARKS

Oi! Hey, you! Oi! Come back here!

After him!

Don't just sit there, drive!

HE GASPS

Not until you've paid your fare, friend. - What?

Round trip, plus waiting time. - Oh!

Here. There's 20. Now put your foot down!

You're a heart attack in waiting, Frank, you know that?

Go!

Heart attack. - Drive!

Oi!

The Tudor Rose is a popular choice. Subtle yet sophisticated.

Or the blushing beauty, tiger lilies.

That's my personal favourite, as it's modelled on my own wedding bouquet.

I think subtle.

I think a bride needs to stand out on her wedding day.

I wouldn't worry on that score, darling. We'll go with the roses.

You haven't mentioned the honeymoon. Anywhere nice?

Bora Bora.

Clive insisted on somewhere remote and exotic. He spoils me.

HORN HONKS

Hello, ladies. - Oh, yes, he's quite the charmer.

Thanks for everything. - Not at all.

Anyone would think she was getting married.

Let's elope. - Ha! Don't tempt me.

I thought we'd eat out tonight. - Yeah, yeah.

You'll have to drop me in town first.

Got to get a pedicure and a manicure.

A bride needs to look her best, you know.

I'd marry you in sackcloth and ashes.

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Audition?

Hm. Walking tour of Stratford.

I'm a wandering minstrel.

That's one way of putting it. - Yeah, at least they pay me.

End of the week. - You said that last week.

Ongoing stolen vehicle case.

I tracked the car down to a salvage yard in Evesham.

I shall inform the client we've found the car

report the details to the police, case closed and money in the bank.

Which leaves us a workplace comp claim and a missing Westie.

Oh!

Oh, and a woman waiting in your office.

Sebastian, get me a coffee.

Oh, excuse me, er...

Frank Hathaway.

How can I help you, Miss er...?

Luella Shakespeare.

Erm, well, for the next 72 hours anyway, 'cause I'm getting married on Saturday.

Congratulations.

I think my fiancé might be having an affair!

Right, er, I'm just going to stop you there.

I don't do extramaritals.

We're out of coffee, tea and milk.

Well, take some money out the petty cash.

And petty cash.

Your... your website said 'no job too small' so, er...

I've always seen adultery as a waste of me talent.

I'm sure he could be persuaded to make an exception.

For the appropriate financial incentive.

Yes.

Yes, erm, due to the incommodious time frame

I would have to charge you double. That'd be £200.

And £50.

A day. Plus any incurred per diems.

Would £1,000 do as a retainer?

He'll take it.

Oh, good!

Clive Brenton.

And you've been together how long?

Thirteen weeks and three days.

We met online, so it just... it was a whirlwind romance.

And his line of business?

Company director.

Of imports and exports.

So, what makes you think he's having an affair?

Well, I asked him to take the day off to go through the seating plans.

'Wall-to-wall meetings', he said.

And then I found this in his diary.

It's a lunch reservation for two at La Mela Dell'Amore.

Pricey. - Yeah, and intimate.

And then I found this, on his car seat.

It's Autumn Sunset.

Yeah. I'd know that shade anywhere, so...

She's not even a natural redhead.

It's Janice. His, erm, his secretary.

I've seen the way she looks at him...

I'll need a photo.

Yeah.

SHE SOBS QUIETLY

Yes!

Er...

ORDERS IN BROKEN ITALIAN

Er, please. And a carafe of red wine.

Excuse me. Thanks.

GADGET BEEPS

Cheers. Well Done. - WOMAN LAUGHS

Look. Isn't that sweet?

What do you think? Is it good? - Oh, fantastic.

I think she'll love it.

SHE GASPS

He bought her a diamond!

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

Have you had much success with women, Frank?

It's... it means... - DOOR OPENS

He's back! He's back! - Try not to do anything...

rash.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT - Something smells nice.

I'm starving.

Oh, didn't make time for lunch, then?

I took Janice to La Mela Dell'Amore.

Hm. Janice?

Yeah, to say thank you for all her hard work.

If I didn't know you better, I'd say that you were jealous.

Oh! Should I be?

OK.

You got me.

I needed a woman's opinion...

on this.

It belonged to my grandmother.

She'd have wanted you to have it.

Oh, Clive!

Oh, Clive, it's...

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Oh, Clive! - I love you.

Hi.

Oh, yeah, wedding present from my Auntie Gwen.

Her and my mum never got on.

Right, so what couldn't wait?

The case is closed.

It was a complete misunderstanding.

Look. It's a family heirloom, so...

I should never have doubted him.

At least let me finish those background checks.

Your services are no longer required.

What, you're going to sprint up the aisle with a bloke you met online?

You hardly know him.

Let me rephrase that. You're fired.

Oh, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

DOOR OPENS

OK, so the groom's side is looking distinctly thin on the ground

so I've moved Uncle Andy's mob over to pad them out.

I mean, they'll be half cut when they arrive

so I doubt they'll even notice.

What do you think?

Oh, yeah!

Right, well...

I certainly think you've made the most of what you've got.

OK!

And there we have it, that's our vintage solitaire only £79. 99

plus postage and packaging.

What can I say except I can't believe they're not diamonds!

Jack?

Well, you certainly had me fooled, Diane.

Huh. - Now, you too can enjoy the look...

Family heirloom, my...

Clive Brenton used several dating sites under different aliases.

Either he suffers from multiple personality disorder

or the man's a compulsive liar.

Hm. Romance fraud. - There we go, Frank.

Oh, cheers, Will.

It's all the rage at the moment.

Right.

And?

And she fired me.

Apparently it was all some big misunderstanding.

She's marrying a conman in less than an hour.

Who will, in all probability, ruin her life and render her destitute.

Mm-hm?

Maybe someone needs to warn her?

Maybe somebody already did?

GENTLE LUTE MUSIC

INDISTINCT WHISPERS

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit...

Veronica Vinten. Wedding planner. You are? - I'm with the bride.

Should know of any lawful impediment to this marriage

he or she should declare it now.

HATHAWAY COUGHS LOUDLY

HE MOUTHS QUIETLY

Erm... excuse me.

You interrupted my wedding to tell me he lied on his dating profile?!

He's not the man you think he is.

Mine says I'm an outdoorsy kind of girl who likes to cook.

You hired me to find out...

I hired you to find out if he was having an affair. Is he?

Well, no, not to my knowledge but... - I'd like this man removed.

You're making a big mistake!

You're strong.

Just, erm, a drunk. Wandered into the wrong wedding.

So, erm, as you were. We were... we were here.

LU CHUCKLES

So, er, if any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage

he or she should declare it now.

Lovely. - THEY CHUCKLE

Clive William Brenton and Luella May Shakespeare

your vows are your promises to each other.