Once Upon A Mattress

For the queen, you see, was very picky

about whom the prince should marry.

She insisted that only a real princess was suitable for her son.

And so, every lady who came to the castle hoping to wed the prince,

was given a royalty test

to see if she was a true princess.

Correct.

Next.

This next question concerns famous rulers.

Name three kings.

Three kings. Uh...

King John. King... Arthur.

King Ethelred?

Correct.

You see, Mama, she is the best one yet.

- Can I marry her now? - Not yet, sweetheart.

Not yet. There's still one more question.

Wizard.

I can't believe none of us can get married till the prince does.

- What was that? -

Oh... I was just stating the marriage law, Your Majesty.

Oh. Well, perhaps you could state it

for the entire court, Lady Larken.

Yes. The marriage law.

- Louder. - The marriage law.

Throughout the land no one may wed till Dauntless shares his marriage bed.

Good. You may continue.

This last question has four parts

and concerns a famous man known as the Knight of the Red Cross.

- One: what was his name? -

Two: what beast did he slay?

Three: how many rows of teeth did the beast have and what kind?

- - And four:

what was the middle name of the daughter-in-law of the best friend

of the blacksmith who forged the sword that killed the beast?

All right, then.

- One, St. George. -

- Two, the dragon. -

Three, 12 rows of teeth made of iron,

And four... Could you repeat the last question?

Middle name. Daughter-in-law.

Best friend. Blacksmith.

Right, right. I know this.

Ticktock, ticktock.

- It was Ada! -

Ohhhhhh. I'm sorry.

So close, but the actual answer was Ida.

- Thanks for playing. -

Oh, what a shame. Such a pretty little thing too.

You do show some aptitude, my dear, but remember, blood will tell.

And yours didn't tell us quite enough.

Goodbye, good luck and get out.

These emotional outbursts are so tiresome.

Sextimus! If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times.

I will not have you playing these foolish games

and making an absolute idiot of yourself.

It just isn't dignified.

Even though you're unable to speak, you are still the king.

It's up to you to set a proper example for the court.

And as for you, jester,

I would appreciate it if you'd stop encouraging him.

You're just as bad as he is.

Ohhhh, the things I have to put up with around here.

If it weren't for me, this kingdom would fall apart.

It would absolutely go to pieces.

Don't dilly-dally, Dauntless, darling.

It's nearly time for your cocoa.

All right, what is it?

I'm beginning to think you don't want me to get married.

Don't want you to get married? Dauntless, don't you trust me?

- Of course, but... - Then how can you say such a thing?

I want you to get married.

This morning I said to your father,

"Sextimus, I want that boy to get married."

- Then why can't I... - He didn't say a thing. He never does.

Yet, I don't want you to worry your tiny little head

over the fact that your father and I don't get along and never have.

He may be a mean, stupid, selfish, dreadful, rotten man,

but he is your father and I want you to respect him.

There's only one person who really cares about you

and your future, and that's what I'm talking about now, your future.

Sweetiekins, you can't just marry anybody.

She has to be someone suitable.

Someone who's good enough and sweet enough and smart enough

for my good, nice, sweet, smart, beautiful baby boy.

And she must be a genuine princess of the royal blood,

just as I was.

That's what you really want, someone like me.

Of course you do.

Just remember this:

You may search the wide world over,

but you'll never find another.

Be it ever so humble,

- there's no place like your mother. -

- Harry! -

My darling.

You missed the test.

Sweet Larken, my responsibilities

as Chivalric Knight of the Herald keep me busy.

- She failed. - No.

- Yes. - Bad luck.

Harry, I want to get married.

Of course, Larken. Once Dauntless shares his marriage bed.

Before that.

But that would be breaking the law.

How could you expect me, Sir Harry, Harry the Immaculate,

Chivalric Knight of the Herald, keeper of order and obedience,

future prime minister of the land, to break the law?

Nothing is, or can be, more important than the law.

Not even love?

Aren't you the silly one? Yes.

Love is important,

and if a princess is not found in a few months, I will find one myself.

Or I don't deserve to wear my spurs.

Yeah. About those spurs...

You remember the royal joust when you won them?

Yes.

We had a picnic later under the spreading oak.

The oak, spreading.

And a lark was singing, and you said you'd remember that moment forever.

- The lark reminded you of my name. - Yes, Larken.

Well, I'm gonna have a baby.

So... A princess for Dauntless must be found soon,

or I'll have to leave.

- Uh... - Oh, I know this is bad.

Your reputation will be ruined.

We'll both be run out of court.

Just say the word, Harry, and I'll... go away.

By myself.

- Forever. - No.

You'll stay here.

Why should we both suffer just because you had a moment of weakness?

Oh, Harry!

We're none of us perfect.

I'll leave today to find a princess for Dauntless.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- Have you any idea how soon, my love? - November.

November.

Don't be afraid, Larken. I won't fail you.

I'll bring back a real princess who will be able to pass the queen's test.

- We'll be waiting for you. - We?

You know.

Yes?

Your Majesty.

- Your Highness. - Hello, Harry.

I have the honor to request a perilous labor.

I wish to search for a true princess of royal blood.

- One who will suit you both. - No.

- Mama! - No, no, no, no!

We've been through all eligible girls in neighboring kingdoms.

There are none left.

We'll have to wait for their little sisters to grow up,

- and that'll take years. - But, madam,

- I plan to head over the mountains. - The mountains?

- Across the badlands. - The badlands?

Into the marshland where the beautiful swamp lily grows.

The marsh... Are you out of your mind?

Mama, let Sir Harry try, please?

For me?