Semi-Tough

And, Paul, they came into this ball game, Miami did,

knowing they'd have to get a victory,

in order to get into the playoffs with a wild-card berth.

Well, here we go again, Lindsey. We've watched Miami the last three weeks,

Score is tied, 14-14. We're in the closing seconds of the ball game.

they've won the ball game in the last play of the game.

And here they are again. They'll cause you cardiac arrest watching 'em.

They've got to get a score from 40 yards away. It's 14 to 14.

Of course, this could go into sudden death.

The kind of team Miami is, they'll give it their best shot right now.

They've been an unpredictable football team,

and here they come now, out of the huddle and up to the line.

And seconds are ticking off.

Hose Manning, the quarterback,

he's calling starting signals, now waiting for the snap.

Taken by Manning. Handing it off to Billy Clyde Puckett.

He's going to the right side.

And here's the ball in the air!

In the end zone for a touchdown!

It's unbelievable, Lindsey. Billy Clyde Puckett,

he has never thrown the ball that much.

He's only thrown three or four passes in 13 years of pro football.

This place is a bedlam.

Fans are trying to get out of the stands and get onto the field

and they're breaking loose and coming out there.

Of course, they have a conversion attempt coming,

but they're gonna have some trouble getting order restored

- in order to try the extra point. - They'll never get it off.

I think you're right. But in any case,

Miami is in the playoffs as the wild card.

- They'll playing green bay next week. - Unreal.

All right!

Don't you think we ought to have a little invocation,

say a prayer to thank the lord

for getting us into the playoffs? I think this would be...

Showers! Tutti frutti coaches!

In the shower!

Hey, all right, huh?

I thought I told you to buy the domestic.

Yes, sir, Mr. bookman. That's what I did. I...

I changed the labels is all.

- That's good thinkin', hooper. - Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Anything left over, you can keep.

Hell of a pass, Billy Clyde!

I thought so. Supposed to run the ball.

- Legs were tired... - Nice pass, bc.

- Thank you, Jerry. - Sylvia?

- Monica. Goin' after the bottoms tonight. - Monica?

- Shoot my way right through them. - Monica?

It was a slow-motion dream sequence.

Everything was semi-frozen in time,

movin' like surreal dancers in some cosmic fantasy.

It was like there was time in that moment

to look at everything...

There was time to experience every detail in a tapestry.

- It was... - Are we gonna get laid tonight?

Probably.

Hey, that's not fair, man!

Hey, motherf...

How does it feel, after your first year in American football,

getting into the playoffs?

Hey! Hey, wait a minute!

Tell me about it.

Hey, homeboy!

- Homeboy? - Hey, wait till I can get up, man.

Fellas, I'm sure you're all happy that we made it to the playoffs.

Don't you wanna pray with me?

My leg, man, my leg. You got my leg hurting, man.

Hey, hey. My blood"s stopped circulating, man.

Boy, if I don't miss my guess,

you're getting darker every time you catch the ball.

In fact, you look darker now then you did

before you started the game.

It's true. I'm gettin' this urge to tap-dance and play the saxophone.

Yeah.

Okay, guys. I give. You got me.

What can I say? Aw, come on, now.

Okay, now look, you guys are making me mad now!

There she is.

You know that somebody gave this to me in Africa?

She's jerking them right out of their shoes.

Where'd you get this?

I got this at neiman's a couple years ago.

It cost about $3,000.

I mean, I spend all my money in the us.

You know, I won't give those africans any of my money.

You have any proof that you took it out?

It has no label in it, that's why I'm asking.

- It doesn't have a label? - No. There's nothing in it.

Oh, that's very peculiar.

Usually neiman's has a big, you know, label there.

Yeah, usually do, yeah.

Well, 1, I don't know. It must have come off at the cleaners.

Please contact the nearest uniformed officers.

Shitheads!

Jesus Christ!

Oh! Hi there.

- Hi there. - That pisses me off!

I am telling you, America is the only country in the world

that just treats its citizens like they were crooks.

Oh, they make me so fuckin' mad.

You make yourself mad. It's got nothing to do with them.

- What is that on your face? - It's hair.

I think it's real cute.

- Don't you think it's cute? - I love it.

Oh, excuse me, bud mcnair.

Oh, I met bud on the plane.

I told him we'd give him a ride into town.

Well, these are what I've been tellin' you about.

Your best friends.

Says a lot about me. Doesn't it?

This here's Billy Clyde Puckett and shake tiller.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.

I'll have to confess, Billy Clyde, I was hesitant at first.

We've never published any sports books.

Nobel prize winners are more our line.

Had six of them, you know. We're an old house.

I guess you can say distinguished.

Great-grandfather started the firm right after the civil war

with the help of Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Who'd he play for?

- Boston. - Oh, yeah.

Yes. But Barbara Jane convinced me a book by you would be different.

A look at football no one's ever seen.

You know, the truth. I mean, nobody's told the truth about it.

But no sensationalism.

Nothing that cheap. I mean, we're not that kind of house.

We want the real truth, Billy Clyde, like what drugs the players take,

how games are really fixed, the influence of the mafia.

You mean the real, real truth.

Exactly.

Now, we know that there are gay football players,

but who do they like to do it with?

And are there more homosexuals on the offense or on the defense?

- Defense. - Really?

You're allowed to use your hands on defense.

It gives you a better chance to grope somebody.

This is exactly what we're looking for.

You were right about him, Barbara Jane.

I know.

How about spooks and spics?

Oh, no. No. I...

I think the reading public's bored with that by now.

Orgies?

Within the bounds of good taste.

What kind of orgies?

What kind of orgies do you want?

We got your post game orgies, your pregame orgies.

You mean before a game?

Sure. That's how we get so loose.

How do you think we beat Baltimore the other night?

Nothing like an orgy to loosen you up.

Now you take old shake there,

he's just about all orgied out. Aren't you, shake?

- No question about it. - No question about it.

And Barbara Jane, she just loves them.

- You shut up. - She never missed one yet.

What about your fish costume?

Okay, fellas. Okay. I know when I'm being put on.

I know what you thinkin', a man like me, an intellectual.

I'm sure when you divide up, you put jocks on one side

and everybody else on the other.

Well, let me tell you something...

Intellectuals are the jocks of the mind.

The life of the intellect is just as tough as the life of the body.

You have to be just as mean with an idea as you do with a football.

You love football? Great.

I love words, books, ideas.

And I know that a well-turned phrase

is just as valuable, just as beautiful

and just as important as a well-thrown pass.

Well...

I think I owe you an apology.

We just got off on the wrong foot, that's all.

You are wrong about one thing, though.

We don't love football that much.

You don't?

We just like taking showers with niggers.

Would you just drop him on over to the racket club?

- Thank you. - Don't you think he's gettin' better?

A year ago, he would have insulted that man.

I mean, you won't be in football forever.

You ought to take advantage of it now.

What the hell did you do to that guy on the plane?

Join the mile high club?

You know what you are? You're deliberately perverse.

- Is that good? - No.

I mean, gene autry... Who listens to gene autry?

- I listen to gene autry. - You're also retarded.

- That's my girl. - Where's the bearskin rug?

- T.j. Lambert's got it. - He had it.

- Had it? - Right.

Came in here the other night,

there's this stewardess lying there on the rug,

he just rolled her up like a burrito and took off with her.

I heard he ate the rug, too.

I guess I'm home.

- Welcome back. - Would you quit acting like a landlady?

I am the landlady.