Finding Alice

Lights, on.

Oh...

Lights, off.

It won't be as much fun as when we made Charlotte.

You have your legs elevated like this

and you're gonna want your head to stay pointed upward,

rather than straight to the wall.

This is when I began stimulating myself

to send those signals to my body.

Do not bring yourself to orgasm, and stay away from the edge,

because that first orgasm is gonna produce the most contractions.

Oh, God!

Go away!

Why are you dressed like a prostitute?

I'm not! Just go to bed!

I'm sorry for shouting. I have school tomorrow.

It's hard enough without my mum

waking me up dressed like a porn star,

carrying your can of my dead dad's sperm.

Oh, lighten up.

Sorry, erm... I was just...

..trying to get in the mood.

Oh, it's all too weird.

I need to sleep.

I loved your gear last night.

Yeah...

It was the latest in a series of personal triumphs for me.

Can I wear it? No.

And in case you're wondering, I didn't...

..put it up me.

I've already got too much on my plate

and I don't know how to eat it...

..or talk.

Right, come on.

You need a...

..Before I Can Inseminate Myself to-do list.

Right, what do you need to do?

Get Harry back.

Make money. Good.

How? Go back to work.

Magic.

But that won't be enough.

I need to get it from the sale of the flats,

which we're being cheated of.

I need to build houses on Harry's land

so that we can buy this place back from our in-laws

and keep Harry buried here.

Stop George inheriting.

Save my parents' marriage.

Stop feeling so awful and useless.

Solid.

Win Minnie and Gerry over.

Make Charlotte happy.

Yeah, OK, stop now! I said a list,

not War And Peace.

You feel better already? Not really.

Well, maybe a little bit.

It's not about actually doing what's on the list,

it's about doing the list.

Do you know what I mean?

No, but... thank you.

Thank you.

'Hello!'

Oh, you worked out how to answer your phone.

'Yeah. Sorry, nobody my age actually does that any more.'

You have to come and sign those papers.

'Er, why?'

Because I have a to-do list and you're on it.

'Ah, erm...' I've got to go.

'OK, bye.'

Yes!

We have planning permission.

'No?! Yes!'

But the environmental order has been lifted

and there's just, er, conditions.

"The development must include a general practice surgery"

"and at least 30% affordable housing."

'Harry would have wanted that anyway.

'So, the council took you seriously.

'Mm-mm, you're the new tough bitch in town!'

Let's see if I can keep that going.

'Good luck!'

Oh, hello! Hi, Patti. Is Tanvi in?

Coochie!

It's baking day. We're expressing ourselves with gluten.

Alice, I made it clear that I value my private life.

You've called unannounced at my home, I seem to remember.

OK. Come on, this way.

Well done.

So... you've sold Harry's flats.

We had an offer we couldn't refuse.

How much for? Just enough to break even,

to cover the bank's loans and mine to Harry.

Come off it. I showed you the paperwork.

You're an accountant, you can prove anything.

I thought you went way back with Harry, like family?

But you're not Harry, or my family.

My offer stands to buy the plot of land from you

without planning permission,

so you'll have enough money to save your home.

I'm going to persuade my in-laws not to sell.

For how long?

They'll have to, to pay the inheritance tax.

Escaped lunatics!

Planning's already been granted...

..Coochie.

I know you leant on the council

to get planning permission withdrawn.

Repeat that in public and I'll have to sue you.

And there's these conditions, affordable housing and so on,

it will make it very hard to turn a profit.

You need the help of an experienced developer, like me.

Why would I involve you?

I already feel like a conjoined twin stuck to an awkward goblin!

Oh, exciting news. Er, you aren't Harry's son?

Whoa! I've found an investor who's interested in your development,

loaded, great track record.

Just sign here and here.

Will he meet? Yeah, I'll set it up.

I need my own legal advice before I sign away any inheritance.

But you promised!

This is holding everything up. It's perfectly legal.

It'll all be fine, then, won't it?

Don't you trust me? Of course I don't!

Your own mother thinks you're shady. You record conversations.

Are you recording this one? No, no,

I'm not, no.

No, my mum is the shady one.

She lied about my parentage for 28 years.

She was just trying to keep your family intact.

No, I've come round to her.

Hey, drop-dead gorgeous. Can we not say that?

I'm sorry. Hey, Auntie.

Oh, and can we not say that?

As it's you, call me...

No. That's too dirty.

Oh, I've laminated your list. And Ed will be here soon

to try and get Harry's photos back on the computer.

I'd rather he didn't, Nicola. I can take a look.

I was like a...

..hacker.

Oh, of course you were. For good, not evil.

US military bases. I can't talk about it.

Yeah, what a shame.

Er, yes, please. That's a great idea.

Ed's shit at computers.

Dr Computer, at your service.

Er, no, we don't need you for that now, Ed.

Oh, thank Christ.

All fixed. The photos and vids were backed up in a subfolder.

Oh, that's fantastic! Thank you so much.

Hiya!

Oh...

Sorry.

Graham? Can we meet for tea?

Tea? Erm, er... Please.

I really need to make it up to you. Yeah, yeah.

I have to go. Surprise!

Dad, what are you doing? I've left your mother.

What? Yeah, you know, I've just moved out.

What's happened? Well, I'd just had enough, really.

Where are you gonna stay? I thought I'd come and stay here.

Dad, I don't think we've got the...

I just feel, as a man, it was the only option left to me.

No. You could kick Keith in the balls and whisk Mum off to Paris.

She's fallen out with France. All right, Dusseldorf.

And Keith's actually a super bloke. Who's Keith?

Well, he's been, erm...

..entertaining your grandma.

He didn't fly in from Vegas. I get it, Mum.

I'm just sad.

Since Dad died, everything's gone to crap.

It's reminded us that life is short and unfair.

Seize the day.

Caveat emptor.

No, no, no, that's, erm...

..buyer beware.

How long do you think you'll be staying?

I'm not really sure.

It'll be fun.

It's just that we've already got Nicola here.

And she might stay forever.

I'm going to open some wine.

So...

..do you know anything about internet dating?

Let's bunk off.

Have a day together.

Erm, no, I've got a big maths thing.

Oh, come on!

Where shall we go? Anywhere that's, well, cheap.

What about the zoo? Let's get a cat.

The house is full enough already.

Oh, let's do it.

I'll call school, tell them you're not well.

I mean, you're not. No.

You'd better go, I'll be late.

How can I help you?

You could...

..imagine how Dad would be behaving if you'd died.

That is so unfair.