Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Aw, damn.

Which password did I use for this?

Um...

Uh, Jake.

Nope. Um...

Jake-1.

Jake-2.

Alan.

Alan-1.

Berta!

Ooh, maybe that's it!

Big Scary Lady.

Where is Berta?

She went home early. Said she wasn't feeling well.

Anything I can do for you?

Out of dental floss.

Ooh. Uh, waxed?

Unwaxed? Cinnamon?

You carry a selection of dental floss?

I am a soldier in the war against gingivitis.

Got the gums of a 20-year-old.

I'll take the cinnamon.

Ooh, good choice.

Clean teeth and fresh breath.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

I was trying to do some on-line banking,

but I forgot my password.

I can help you with that. Move over.

Oh, I forgot I had a computer genius in the house.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let's put in your e-mail address.

And click on "forgot password."

Hey, there's a password hint.

"What is my favorite state?"

Uh, California?

You are a hacker's nightmare.

Not California.

Huh.

Gosh, um, try Hawaii.

Nope.

The good news is we only have 48 states to go.

Favorite state, favorite state.

What's my favorite state?

I'm getting a Skype call.

It's my ex-wife.

Hi, Walden.

Hi, Bridget.

Engorged!

My favorite state is fully engorged!

Hello, Alan.

Hi, Bridget.

Um, that was just my-my password.

You know what? I'll just let you guys talk.

How do you explain him to people?

I usually tell people that my wife drove me to homosexuality.

What's up?

Billy called.

Billy Stanhope?

Yeah, he said he's has a business proposition for you.

Really?

Why on Earth would I do business with him

after what he did to me?

Hey, don't get upset with me. I'm just the messenger.

I'm not upset. I've moved on.

It, uh, it's behind me.

Yeah, I recognize your "I'm not upset" eye twitch.

My eye is not twitching.

You know, tell him thank you, but no, thank you.

Got it.

I wish him well, but I pass.

Fine.

I'm flattered, but no can do.

Understood.

And if my eye is twitching,

it's only because I have conjunctivitis.

You don't have conjunctivitis, Walden.

We're not married anymore, Bridget.

You have no idea what kind of diseases I have.

Good-bye.

How about that.

Billy Stanhope.

Whoa!

Everything okay?

Yeah. Why?

Uh... the blood-curdling scream?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

No, no, I often react that way after chatting with my ex-wife.

This isn't about my ex-wife.

It's about my ex-friend Billy Stanhope.

Oh, I've never heard you mention him before.

Have you ever heard me mention rectal cancer?

No.

Same principle.

What went down between you two?

Well, we built

a software company in Bridget's garage,

and then sold it for a couple billion dollars.

That son of a bitch.

No wonder you hate him.

I don't think you understand.

He didn't want to sell, so when we did, he went crazy.

Really?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Here, look, he put it on YouTube

for the whole world to see.

Hello, world.

It's me, Billy Stanhope,

and I'm here to drop another smart bomb of truth!

This is my ex-partner Walden Schmidt.

Oh, isn't he pretty?

Hey, Walden, tell everyone how pretty you are.

I'm pretty!

Yes, you are. You are pretty.

But that's just on the outside.

On the inside, you are a soul-sucking,

money-grubbing sellout!

Oh, don't forget giant douche.

I'm also a giant douche!

Thanks, buddy.

I'm always forgetting about your extreme doucheyness!

You know what I'm gonna do, Walden?

I... I'm gonna eat you, yeah.

I'm gonna eat you and chew you up,

and digest you and then go in the bathroom

and take a big steaming Schmidt!

Whoa.

You think that's bad.

Watch this one.

Hey, folks! Walden Schmidt here.

I just wanted you to see me as I really am.

So he's actually talking out of his ass?

He calls it "buttriloquism"

That's-That's very disturbing.

Yeah.

That's the least disturbing

of the ass-talking videos.

: It-It's crazy.

I made this guy, like, a billion dollars,

and then he turns on me.

And then he accuses me of being a sellout.

Talk about ingratitude.

If you made me rich,

the only thing I'd accuse you of

is being the best... guy ever.

Thanks.

Seriously. If you don't believe it,

throw me a couple of mil and get ready for a tongue bath.

I doubt that will be necessary.

I am not talking just metaphorically.

I will lick you from head to toe.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Surprise.

You gotta be kidding me.

Walden...

Walden, come on!

Hey, who's at the door?

Rectal cancer!

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Billy Stanhope.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I recognize you from the video.

You look good.

Well, you know, I cut out sugar and took up yoga,

stopped smoking crack.

Well, whatever it is you're doing, it's working.

Who are you?

Oh, yeah, I'm Walden's friend...

confidante, mentor, gatekeeper.

Oh, yeah, Bridget told me about you.

Yeah, the leech.

Alan Harper. Pleased to meet you.

Hey. Listen, gatekeeper, any way I could talk

to Walden for just five minutes?

Oh, I don't think so. He's pretty peeved.

I got this billion-dollar idea

that can't move forward without him.

But, look, if he won't see me, he won't see me, so...

Hold up, Billy.

Come on in. Come on in.

Uh, talk to me.

So, uh, a billion dollars, you say?

At least. Wow.

What could possibly be worth a billion dollars?

It's simple, really.

I mean, are you familiar with

Web-based aggregate upstream power grid manipulation?

Uh... I-I have Netflix.

Okay, look, it's not important.

If you could just...

I just need to talk to him for five minutes.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

All right. Here's $50.00.

Wait right here. Okay.

Yeah?

Got a second?

Yeah, come in.