Being Human

This programme contains some strong language and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

- Yesterday was your first blood for how long? - 55 years. - How did the blood taste?

I was involved tangentially.

You weren't drinking my blood "tangentially. "

How many times will you bring that up?

Hail!

I love you.

No!

I'm stuck like this? For ever?

That's it. We are finding my body and I am totally passing over.

And if we need to,

we can make people disappear in a puff of smoke.

Untie me, you hound! Untie me, bitch!

Lady Catherine.

Lord Hal.

Got my message then?

Message?

I say message, I just allowed you to discover my whereabouts.

I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the chance to kill me.

I'm surprised there wasn't a queue.

Ho-ho-ho! But the Werewolf army would never let their leader

embark on a solo assassination.

Let me guess, you stuffed a pillow beneath your blanket

and slipped away under the cover of darkness?

Took me back to my convent days.

Ah.

You could have at least warned your guards I was coming.

Save me from killing one of them.

It's precisely that dreary compassion for staff

that would have lost you this war anyway.

What do you mean, WOULD have lost me this war?

We need to parley.

This civil war between our clans has been raging for seven years.

In fact, I believe it is what triggered

the current war on the human world.

Obviously there's nothing we enjoy more...

.. than a good rough and tumble.

But we have reason to believe we're being manipulated.

Someone else - something else - is fanning the flames of this conflict.

So the same thought has occurred to you too?

But who? Who could do that?

Lady Catherine, we are not at war with each other,

we are at war with the Devil.

"Death Proof" by Kate Nash

d You can spend your life getting down on one thing

d You can waste all your time on one idea

d You can get your little brain into one big mess

d But what you gonna do now, baby when it all caves in?

d Burn, burn Burn my heart, baby

d Take a piece cos I don't need all of it

d Don't have time for your cruel ways

d And I'm the one without numbered days cos

d I don't have time to die. d

This isn't about rehabilitation anymore. It's vindictive.

Stay in the chair until you're over the blood lust.

- Come on, it'll make you big and strong. - I don't mean the chair.

I implore you, put a screen in front of me.

Give me a blindfold. No-one should have to look at this.

We could put a cover over your head.

Like how you tell a budgie it's night time.

Don't look at me!

I can't eat or drink, so none of this is mine.

Besides, I spent my entire life

cleaning up after my smelly brothers.

So until the moment I pass over I shall be mostly reading

magazines or watching the Welsh Rugby Team get changed.

When you go, let me know if you'd like me to accompany you.

There's some weird people out there.

Says the werewolf spoon-feeding mashed banana to the vampire.

Look, 10 minutes is all I ask. Supervised, of course.

Just so I can do a quick run round with the Hoover

and sort out the recycling!

Please!

This is torture!

If we wanted to torture you, we'd show you a picture of the bathroom.

The bathroom too?

You people are animals!

What do you reckon? Is he safe?

Well, a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started

correcting my grammar again, so I guess that's got to be a good sign.

How long does it take for a vampire to get over the blood lust?

A week? A month?

A year? Who do we ask?

I guess we ask him.

- We're thinking of letting you out. - Thank you.

Fill a bowl with boiling water and washing up liquid.

This is a two-sets-of-Marigolds problem.

Out-out. But it's your call.

- If you're still dangerous, say so now. - What?

I mean it, Hal. We can wait some more.

Don't let me do this if you're still a risk.

There must...

be a structure.

First off, you steer clear of vampires. They're a bad influence.

That goes for all of us. No more supernatural nonsense.

Agreed.

- And if you drink blood again then... - You kill me.

I was thinking more along the lines of a fine.

Drinking blood means I have become the man I fear.

Drinking blood is the overture to a greater catastrophe.

You need to swear on something.

On the memory of Eve.

On the memory of Eve.

Right then!

OK, dick-splash, for the last time, I'm not planning anything.

Don't get me wrong,

I could pull your kidneys out through your nostrils if I wanted.

But, lucky for you, I'm getting way too old for this shit.

Hetty, you're the last of the Old Ones,

of course you're planning something.

Malevolence and greed are hard-wired into your DNA.

Yeah? And your mum's so fat, her blood type's Ragu.

Besides, who says I'm the last one?

What?

Can I smoke in here?

Hetty.

There's another Old One.

In fact it's cos of him our whole world domination thing went tits up.

Who?

Hal. A human sympathiser. He was always kind of skittish.

What if we opened a window? Seriously, I'm gasping here.

How about this?

You tell me all you can about this Hal

and I'll arrange for an Air Force flight

to return you to Bolivia tomorrow.

Sounds like a plan.

But make sure they've got some crayons in case

I want to draw some ponies and shit.

Ah! Smell that alpine freshness.

- What's this? - This, my friends, is peace in our time.

It's OK, I've seen it all before, it's a cleaning rota.

I've split the domestic duties into three sub-groups. Tom, Alex and I.

Why's there one for me? I'll be passing over soon.

Yes, but until then you're part of this household. Now...

But then you're just going to have to draw up a whole new rota.

I know. Now...

How are you going to complete your business and pass over?

Find my body somehow and get it to my family, I guess.

So they can all grieve and stuff.

Didn't them blokes take it?

Yeah, so we just find out who they are

and then go to the papers or something.

- Well, that's obviously out of the question. - Why?

We cannot risk werewolves and vampires and ghosts

being revealed to the world. The consequences could be catastrophic.

- Column one... - No, sorry, you of all people don't get to dictate what

we tell my dad and brothers.

What does that mean? Me of all people?

I'm not letting a good man die of grief just to protect

the fucking Twilight franchise.

We'll discuss this later.

You can discuss it later. With yourself.

That doesn't even make sense.

- Cleaning rota. - Thank you, Tom.

As you can see, Alex has the lion's share of the domestic tasks.

Tom and I will take on extra shifts at the cafe to cover the rent.

Why are you looking at each other like that?

The cafe.

Tony didn't like us taking all them shifts off

while you was strapped in the chair so he sort of sacked us.

On the bright side, you get to make a new rota.

Not one name!

How am I supposed to get a five-a-side team together

if no-one signs up, you lazy buggers?

And who forgot to tell me you were all going to the pub last night?

I bet someone felt daft when they realised.

Probably just as well. I was updating my blog.

Those games don't review themselves!

Crumb!

Oh.

Aargh

It's Cram.

What is?

My name. Like the runner. Steve Cram.

He was voted Sports Personality Of The Year in...

Your position's up for review.

I'm shaking up the whole floor.

Separating the wheat from the boys.

Bringing new blood in, like,

well, I don't know, Gavin.

What, your nephew Gavin?

Is he my nephew?

Well, he's a smart lad.

In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain!

So he doesn't know much about plants. Big deal.

There'll be a panel.

Which I might be on.

You need to reapply.

For the job I already have?

See, told you.

Problem solved.

People on board a ship that's capsizing

don't use that many exclamation marks.

Oh, my God, do you really think we could work in a place like this?

Knowing our luck.

No not that one, you stupid bitch!

It's the cushion with the trim around the edges!

Don't you understand anything, you ignorant shit?

Captain Hatch?

Perhaps we could use our inside voice