Honest

Give us the keys!

Hurry up!

Come on, then!

What are you lookin' at?

Come on!

Ugh!

Fancy her?

Having a quiet wank on the job, eh?

Crawl back into its shell, did it?

Perv!

Oi, Mandy! Who's the lucky lad tonight?

- Not you, mate! - Don't know what you're missing, doll.

- I'd rather use one of these. - Charming as ever, your sister!

What's a mother to do?

Weird. Give me fucking weird.

Ah, beautiful. Far out! Look at... Sweet.

Come on.

Look to me.

Cool.

But, erm...

- ...lose her shirt. - Can you take your shirt off, darling?

Good.

Evening Standard!

Nice to see ya.

Yeah.

Let's have a look.

Oh, look! "Masked Gang Raid Warehouse"!

Blah, blah, blah... "Three men..."

Oh! "Raymond Purvis... He said he was terrified"!

- Ha-ha-ha! - "One threatened me with a crowbar."

- Load of bollocks! I never touched him! - You're a nutter, Mandy.

Deprived childhood, Your Honour.

Look to me. Good stuff.

Yeah, that's it. Nice and...

Give me a bit more.

That's great, yeah.

Look to me.

Hey, whaddaya think of this?

Oh, Daniel, you are the only person I know...

..who can watch a film at 10am and then write about it.

- I get free coffee. Shut up. - Baz!

Explain.

It's our satirical take on superheroes, Andrew.

Buzzman doesn't save the world.

Buzzman doesn't save anything. He's too cool for that.

- So what does he do? - Smokes pot. Gets laid.

I thought we were going for weird, Andrew.

At Zero ,...

...we denigrate, decimate, debunk,...

..defile, demolish.

Delicious.

How did you hear about this place?

Terry Waring told me. He was gonna do it himself, only he got nicked.

He'll be a bit pissed off when he hears we blagged it!

- Is that it, then? - Yeah.

Give us a couple of minutes.

Why don't you go buy something nice for Rose?

Can I help you?

I'll handle her.

Greetings...

..Venus in leather!

And what can I do for you?

I'm looking for a job, actually.

That's good.

Have you worked for a magazine before?

Yeah.

I used to work for this one.

- In Glasgow? - Glasgow... Right.

Well, that's a very agitprop little rag. Are you a Communist?

Used to be. Got sick of it.

- What does Zero stand for? - Nothing. Or...

..everything.

It's a kind of Zen thing, you see.

Nothing and... everything.

Why don't you, er... come over here tomorrow night?

A couple of faces are dropping by for drinks and shit.

I'm Andrew, by the way. Andrew Pryce-Stevens.

What's a double-barreled nob doing leading the revolution?

Feisty little tart!

- Hi. - Hi.

- I was looking for the toilet. - It's... right there.

Oh.

Um... I'm Daniel, by the way.

- Do you work in there? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm a writer. Freelance.

- Bit of a poser, your boss. - I can't argue with that.

But, uh, you should come tomorrow night. It could be a blast.

You never know. I'll check my diary.

Hey! The bathroom's right here!

I've gone off the idea.

I said "I ain't got... I ain't got change for that."

- That was a 1964 Morris starting handle. - I don't give a shit.

I'd never wear something like this in a million years!

Wow! Far out, man! (giggles)

Mr Ord is here with some of the chaps...

...and he would like a word.

Jo...

Hello, Happy.

- Have a good holiday, Duggie? - How did you know I'd been on one?

A sun tan's a bit of a rarity around these parts.

Majorca. With the family.

I learned to scuba dive. How about yourself?

Southend with me sisters. A plate of winkles and a knees-up on the bus back.

These... three lads doing all these robberies.

- I'd like to know who they are. - Why would I know?

You girls must have a lot of admirers.

Any lads come knocking around your door recently, flashing a bit of extra cash?

Last bloke took me for a Chinese and left me with the bill.

Friday night. Talk Of The Town. Liza Minnelli. What do you say?

I'm always with my dad Friday nights, Cedric.

Good boxer, her old man. In his day.

Haringey Arena. After the war.

I was there the night he took out Tommy Bruce.

Give him my regards, Gerry. And here...

...tell him I said hello.

He don't need charity.

Christmas stocking, then.

Agh! Ow!

- Agh! - Don't you tell your old man about this.

I don't prance around in the nude in front of him!

- Everyone else, though, from what I hear. - Vicious rumors, Uncle Sid.

Bleedin' hell!

Your idea, Mandy, not mine.

Matthew and Billy O'Reilly have come to the studio...

...to demonstrate them.

This is Matthew. He's got the glow coat on.

We're going to try an experiment. Can we have the lights out, please?

I've got a spotlight over here. You can see Matthew is standing well out there...

...with his glow coat on.

You can hardly see Billy at all, except for just his white face.

Very generous of Mr Ord. Hope you was polite.

I ain't afraid of that villain, Dad.

You ain't afraid of anything, that's your problem.

I'm afraid of one thing. Living and dying in this place.

We'll get out one day. Go somewhere Mum would have liked us to live.

Well, I think these glow coats are a very good idea.

- What do you think, Matthew? - You'd look a right charlie in the street!

It's Rose.

All right, Rose?

Bloody hell!

- He's whacked you again, ain't he? - Not really.

What was it, then? You fell off your pony at the polo ring(?)

- Leave it out, Mandy. - What's his excuse this time?

It was when he come home last night.

He gets depressed, you know? Not finding work.

He ain't worked since he left school! Idle tosser!

- (snores) - He's turned this house into a garage!

Fucking oil's everywhere! Why don't you just get rid of it?

- Useless piece of shit! - (Rose) Keep your voice down, Mandy.

Why don't you just do him while he's asleep?

Save yourself a lot of grief in the long run.

Mandy, please.

Why don't you just change the locks?

You're not married to the bastard!

All right!

Ah, come on, Andrew, you've never had a conviction in your overprivileged life...

..you hypocritical old fart!

The only reason you're putting out a "Legalize Pot" issue...

...is to pump up your bloody circulation!

No one in this room...

- ...can doubt my commitment to the weed. - And these pot rallies.

All these pathetic, painted people thinking they're being daring!

I mean, what a load of horseshit!

Legalizing it wouldn't help this magazine, Andrew.

If it were legal, it would just neutralize your own basis for dissent.

Magazines like Zero exist on dissent.

Actually, it exists because of my father's allowance.

Till the bastard cut me off.

- Anyway, to hell with it! - I don't think we've met.

I'm Loretta.

Oh, I know who you are.

I mean, I'm very familiar with your work.

The study of the sexual psyche...

...and doom to the aesthetic quality of human relationships. Fascinating.

You must come to my retrospective next week.

Or I could give you a private view in my studio tonight.

Well, uh... I actually have to write a review tonight.

But, uh... I'd love to write a piece on you sometime.

I'm not looking for a critic, sweetie.

I thought you might fancy a fuck.

Oh, my God, Mandy, what have you done now?!

Then, when he really gets to know me...

"In the name of lo..." Oh, yeah, right(!)

That is so 'orrible. No, you know what? That's disgusting!

It's a work of art!

No one ain't gonna marry you with that on your back.