M*A*S*H

Hey, look at this. It's a Polaroid.

If you need more penicillin, I'll get it for you.

All right, boys, what's all the tumult?

The camera's been stolen!

They're having a little problem

with the stolen goods report of yours.

What, they couldn't read my typing?

They couldn't read it because they didn't receive it.

I must have sent 'em the carbon paper.

What an original mistake.

Little Chicago? What's that?

Big place in field somewhere.

Just like Macy's,

except everything there stolen from Gimbels.

Hey, buddy, I'm lookin' for a special kind of camera.

You mean Polaroid. You lucky.

This brandnew. Come in last week.

Corporal, are you aware this camera's been stolen?

Yeah, sure. I just found it and bought it.

All right, step out of the jeep, soldier.

Down to my bones,

I know that boy did not swipe the camera.

Relax. Klinger's off the hook.

Oh, by the way, when you see Klinger,

give him a message for me.

Tell him the heat is on.

C.I.D. is investigating stolen goods.

So this bad time to sell anything in Little Chicago.

Okay, I'll get those drinks now.

No. Not for me. I've just gone back to work.

Courtmartial? They'll slap you

with a dishonorable discharge,

which means no vet benefits,

plus a civilian criminal record

doggin' you for the rest of your life.

What I don't understand is,

even if I did it, which I didn't,

why are they making such a big deal over one lousy camera?

Well, they figure a big crime ring

is behind all these thefts

and they hope you'll lead them

to the bigger sharks in the pond.

Wonderful.

Son, I'm sorry to have to tell you this.

The army says, if you can name some names,

they'd be willing to call the whole thing off.

Colonel, the only way I could name names

is if I was a crook, which I'm not.

I wish I was. Then I could rat on my buddies and get off.

Well, don't go and get yourself fitted

for a ball and chain yet.

You've still got your day in court.

And you've got the truth on your side.

With all due respect, sir,

at this point, I'd rather have

an unimpeachable, paidoff witness.

You got more important things to worry about,

like getting yourself a defense counsel.

My Uncle Harry's the best whiplash man in Toledo.

But he's tied up right now.

Could we put this off for 10 years to life?

Well, don't worry about getting a real lawyer.

In these parts, the army only uses officers.

One for your side, one for their side.

You can even pick your own if you have somebody in mind.

I can't represent you. We're both witnesses for the prosecution.

Didn't Colonel Potter tell you that? Sure, he did,

but picture this.

If one of the state's two star witnesses

suddenly defends me to the hilt,

then the whole case would be exposed as

an ugly fabrication of sham.

I think that's what's known as a conflict of interest.

Oh, sure, they got rules for everything.

What are they paying you to torpedo me?

They subpoenaed us.

Klinger, why are you trusting your future

to the hands of a man who's sole legal knowledge is

the age of consent in all 48 states?

That's what makes him the perfect choice.

He can talk anybody into anything.

Just ask two thirds of the nursing staff.

Klinger, you're missing the point.

The court martial board is not going to be swayed

by the carnal clichés of a third rate lothario.

What you need for you defense is

a man who will bring to it an air of dignity and stature.

Yeah. But where are we gonna get somebody like that?

We're gonna get me.

You?

Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.

Charles, you do all the trodding.

That's how they got down.

Why the sudden interest in Klinger's welfare?

Yeah. You don't even like me.

You're always calling me those long fourletter words.

I will defend you because I'm the officer most qualified to do so.

Finally! Someone who thinks I'm innocent.

I didn't say that.

Your guilt or innocence doesn't concern me in the least.

What concerns me is winning.

Sounds like a lawyer to me.

Yeah, this is serious business.

What makes you so sure you can win?

Why not? After all, what is an attorney

but a graduate student who couldn't get into medical school.

Gee. Somehow being defended by a guy who hates my guts

makes me nervous.

A good lawyer is not swayed by disaffection for one's guts.

It'd be a rare opportunity...

for litigious excitement.

A thrust and parry of a verbal joust with a worthy opponent.

I didn't understand a word he said.

What a perfect lawyer. Don't do it, Klinger.

Let ICorps assign somebody.

Oh, sure.

Some apathetic clock puncher who doesn't care

whether he wins or loses.

Let me defend you, Klinger,

and I assure you, you won't regret it.

It'll be the most rational decision you've made

since you renounced women's wear.

Consider, Klinger,

the first syllable of Winchester is "win."

Okay, Major, you've got yourself a client.

Major,

tell the court, if you would, uh, please,

what you know of the defendant's character.

All right.

"Maxwell Klinger is a rare individual.

"Not only is he honest and trustworthy,

"a font of loyalty"

Your Honor, would you instruct the witness

to stop tittering and answer the question?

Please answer the question, Margaret Major.

I I'm trying to help, but this isn't easy.

It (chuckles)

He is also the cement that binds our unit.

Binds our unit.

In my rendered opinion from the bench,

continued hysterics from the witness

might tend to undermine her credibility.

Major, you may step down and continue all the way to out.

I'm I just

We don't need her.

And she's one of the friendly witnesses.

I would like to call to the stand

one Father Francis Mulcahy.

Thanks, Father.

Father, would you tell the court

in your own sacred words

your assessment of my client's character?

I'd be delighted.

I think the following anecdote

capsulizes the essence of the man.

Please proceed, and, uh, speak up.

Recently, I found myself in need

of some new Bibles for my Sunday School class.

Ixnay, Father. Uh, Klinger,

this is no time for modesty.

Please proceed, Father.

The old ones were all tattered.

Now, where was I going to find 18 new Bibles,

and at a price we could afford?

Where indeed?

Well, sir, I confided my dilemma to Klinger.

And somehow, like a miracle,

the next week,

18 brandnew Bibles turned up.

I don't know how he convinced

the Seoul Plaza Hotel

to make that generous donation.

Yeah.

That's a wonderful story, Father.

But I don't think I can base the case

on the stickiness of my client's fingers.

Sticky fingers? Yes.

You mean hot Bibles!

Hey, Hawk, what kept you? Oh, I'm sorry.

I got wrapped up in that symphony

on Charles's tape recorder. Oh, yeah?

I got I completely lost track of time.

Isn't that thing fantastic? The resonance, the clarity.

When was the last time you heard

the "1812 Overture" sound so lifelike?

Not since 1812.

Hey, hey, hey, Hawk!

Knock off the noise, will you?

Oh, yeah? Why should Oh, I know.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm in great voice tonight.

Oh, I'll show you what great voice you're in.

I'll record it on Charles' tape recorder

and make you listen to it.

How could he afford

such an expensive tape recorder?

Are you kidding?

Money means nothing to Charles.

He's the only American who landed in Incheon

with Traveler's Checks.

I'll bet you Charles paid