Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Ooh! Come here. Come here, come here, come here.

You got to see this.

I'm about to give captain holt his gift.

- Oh, did he lift his "no gift" policy?

No, he didn't.

But I figured out a way to buy him something

and trick him into accepting it.

- You are bad. - I know, right?

Oh, wait. You're making fun of me.

- Mm-hmm. - Well, I don't care.

He would never open a gift, right?

But what if his gift didn't look like a gift?

- He would open it? - Exactly!

I left it in a cardboard box on his desk.

There's no card, just the words "open now,"

which I wrote with my wrong hand

so he wouldn't recognize my handwriting.

Captain. - Santiago. Peralta.

Sir.

So just to recap,

you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk

on a random Monday, with a suspicious message

written on it that looked like

it was scrawled by a crazy person.

- Mm-hmm. - Bomb! There's a bomb!

Everyone out! Let's go, let's go!

This is not a drill!

Let's go!

Great gift, babe.

Ho, ho, ho, Jake.

Special delivery from Santa's elf.

Merry Christmas.

Ah.

- Heart attack soda. - Holy crap! I love this stuff!

You know, technically, it's just carbonated fudge.

- I know. - I thought they banned it.

Not in Syria.

They use it to induce labor in goats.

And your real present arrives tomorrow.

- There's more? Charles, this is too much.

Nonsense!

It was just a lot of time and a lot of money.

Oh.

Gina! I screwed up.

I forgot to get Charles anything.

- Oh, well, I always knew he would die of sadness.

I'm such a selfish jerk.

I was just so focused on Amy's gift

that I completely spaced.

His present to me was so personal.

All right, think. What does Charles love?

Gross food, tan pants, "masterchef junior."

Ooh, I could call up one of those kids

and offer them a free trip to New York.

I wouldn't do that.

Right, 'cause I'm a stranger,

and I shouldn't be luring them out of state.

Good call. - Jake, just go to goodwin's.

They're open late, and they have everything.

- Right. Smart. Please come with me.

Please, I need help picking something out.

Please, Gina?

I'll take a pic of Terry in the locker room for you.

- No towel, with his foot up on the bench.

- Towel on, still wet from the shower.

I'm in.

- Hey, guys. What's up?

Both: Nothing.

- Diaz, are we still on for the polar bear swim tonight?

- It's either that or go caroling with my family,

so, yeah.

I'd rather walk into the freezing ocean.

Wait, what?

You guys are doing the polar swim?

Why didn't you ask me?

- Oh, we didn't think you'd be interested.

Yeah, you're always cold.

You brought a blanket to a mets game in mid-July.

- This one thinks July 18th is mid-July.

You guys think I'm some kind of wimp, but I'm not.

I am tough, and I'm strong,

and I love to splash around in chilly water.

- It's not chilly, it's as cold

as the waters of cocytus, the frozen lake of hell.

I'll see you there.

I can't wait to dunk my junk.

- Okay, gang. I'm out.

I'll be back on the 27th.

I've got two days of family time.

Do not attempt to contact me.

I do not want a repeat of last year

when Scully called me 50 times on Christmas morning.

- No. I called you once.

My butt called the other 49.

- Yeah, well, my brother-in-law Zeke was real judgy

about how much my phone was buzzing.

- Somebody's got a lot of business to tend to.

Who are you? Barbara corcoran?

- He didn't even make me one of the good sharks.

I'm clearly Lori.

Nobody call me.

Gina!

It's our first annual boyle-linetti Christmas.

Are you excited about going to town on daddy's nog?

- Christmas is cancelled. Charles ruined it.

I'm gonna be a little late.

I got to help Jake do some shopping.

Oh, last-minute gifts.

Ooh, who didn't make the cut?

Tell me, Jake, who's the poor sack at the bottom of your list?

Actually, Amy.

- Amy? Oof! That's bad. - Mm-hmm.

- Just give her whatever you got me.

Really?

But then I wouldn't have a gift for you.

Would you be cool with that?

No, that would eviscerate me.

I'll get my coat.

I'm gonna help you find something for her.

- Oh, that's not necessary. - Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, Jake.

- Also not necessary to touch my face.

- It's Christmas. A time for friendship.

- Damn it. All right.

I guess you'll just have to distract him

when we get to the store. - On it.

I'll take him to housewares and I'll ask him

the difference between a skillet and a frying pan.

That'll buy you six hours. - Perfect.

Gina, you just saved Christmas.

It's what I do.

Every damn year.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Wait! No, no, no, no, no! Don't lock the door!

I just need to buy one thing. I'll be so fast,

I won't even pay!

How did that not work?

- Hey, there's still people in there.

They're not closed.

- First time at a retail store, Oliver twist?

They lock the doors, but if you're still inside,

you get an extra 15 minutes to finish up.

- Oh, perfect, so we should just try and sneak in

an entrance through the back.

Boyle, you'll have to stay here.

It's too dangerous.

- No way I let you take that risk alone.

Damn it, you are loyal.

Shall we?

Ohh!

Whereas, with the skillet,

the approach to fish skin is completely different.

Uh-huh.

- And your spatula technique is completely intuitive.

- Please, tell me more. - Okay. I got it.

They're closing. Let's go.

- Oh, let's take a peep at that purchase.

- Cologne? - Uh, it's perfume.

For a lady. Woman. - It's called "canyon stank."

It's got a man riding a burro on it.

- Oh, does it? I didn't notice. I just like the way it smelled.

- I wear this Cologne, Jake. I'm a stank man.

- Um, I don't know, maybe just subconsciously

I wanted Amy to smell more like you.

- Okay, little creepy, bud. Coming on real strong.

- Wow, the tables have really turned.

- Shut up! Keep walking!

- Shoot! The store is being robbed!

Come here.

All right, just slowly back up. There's a door behind us.

We just have to get outside and call the nine-nine.

Go.

- Just head for the vault. We're good.

- Lock 'em up! - They're sealing the exits.

Oh, my god.

It's real life "die hard."

I mean, "oh, no! Crime."

- They've taken all the security guards.

I left my gun in my locker. Are you carrying?

No, mine's at work.

Boyle Christmas charades can get pretty competitive

and it's best not to have firearms around.

- We don't need guns. I have a lighter, okay?

We get some hairspray, make some flamethrowers.

Let's fry these bitches. - No one is frying any bitches.

Charles, did you call this into dispatch?

- Yes, but I can't get in touch with anyone from the nine-nine.

- Right--Amy, Rosa, and holt are having the time of their lives

splashing around in the freezing, filthy ocean.

I'll try Terry.

- Thank you for this amazing year.

Thank you for the food in front of us.

And my family, which is my number one priority.

Much more than...Phones.

- Just take the call, Barbara corcoran.

This better be an emergency.

There better be a gun to your head.

- Charles, Gina, and i are in a hostage situation.

- Oh, god, I shouldn't have said the gun thing.

Terry regrets the way he answered the phone.

- We're at goodwin's. There are multiple gunmen.