Community

So according to the demonologist,

the gymnasium is clean.

Jeez, we're running out of To-Do Stars.

- Already dealt with. - It's hard to believe.

Somewhere along the way, we started turning this school around.

Huh.

- Hmm. - Huh.

- What the hell was that? - What was what?

That long, quiet lull. I don't like it.

It's called contentment, dude.

Exactly. We're never content.

Someone's always got to have a problem.

I've got a problem.

I don't like Abed's problem with our lack of problems.

- Ooh. - Oh. Ah, okay.

I commented on his commentary.

I just drew a circle around Abed, baby.

I don't think it's nice

to pigeonhole people's gimmicks.

You hear me, two voice?

Abed, let us have a moment of peace and stillness.

They're kind of rare around here.

All I'm saying is, calm before the storm.

Says the storm generator.

All right, fine. Let's be content.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Attention, students and faculty of Greendale.

I pressed this button on accident

but might as well check in.

How are you?

Fine.

Aw, that's nice. I'm good too.

I love you guys.

We love you too.

The information you have requested...

...is on the internet.

Oh.

School board, baby.

School board guys coming in.

I would appreciate some knocking.

Do you know what goes on in here?

Just a heads-up.

There's an insurance appraiser coming tomorrow.

Your ass is getting appraised insurance-style.

What does that mean?

We hope it means we find out that your school is very,

very valuable to the city.

Hey, how hilarious would that be?

Are you guys drunk?

Good luck proving it before we're not.

Yeah.

Pa-pa-papaya.

Whoa!

Heh.

Strawberry.

Too ripe.

You guys have been doing this for 30 minutes.

So what?

I made all the vegetables disappear.

Usually, a lot more than this happens in 30 minutes is all I'm saying.

We're just relaxed and happy.

I care more about this than anything I've ever cared about.

Best $199 I've ever spent.

It's $3.

What are you playing?

That's control software for some kind of irrigation equipment.

It's fun.

Save Greendale Committee, unite.

Boom.

An insurance appraiser is coming tomorrow

to inspect the school,

and if he doesn't appraise us good,

the school is doomed, doomed.

Call to adventure. Call to adventure.

What's an insurance appraiser?

Something that sounds normal and boring

but is actually scary, like a raised mole

or a turkey deep fryer.

There's only one man qualified to appraise insurance,

and he died 2,000 years ago on a cross.

I've seen insurance appraisers bleed.

Their blood's different, darker.

Everyone, take a breath.

You're overreacting because this school is addicted to crisis.

They're like one of those hurricane Katrina dogs

that won't let anyone pet them anymore.

But the weird thing we need to get used to is this:

The school's in decent shape.

This doesn't have to be a big deal.

I wrote a paper on those dogs.

We've worked hard all semester to save this school.

Truth is, we did.

So relax.

- Are you sure, Jeffrey? - I promise.

Jeff's heart is in the right place, but he's wrong.

Greendale is a crazy place where crazy things happen.

I have a plan.

We'll pretend our school has a world-renowned physics department.

Dean, start learning Swedish.

I'll do my best!

Hickey, do you keep in touch with any unstable criminals that you busted?

Mm, five.

Get them down here for costume measurements.

Annie, we need to make a particle accelerator

out of Kleenex boxes.

Nope. Nobody do any of that.

Abed, outside.

There is no story.

Everything's a story, Jeff. Getting out of bed is a story.

Certainly this is a story.

I mean, start with the study room.

We're content. I'm concerned.

Skip the fruit-matching stuff.

Dean enters with the insurance appraiser story,

call, refusal.

You're literally dragging me across a threshold

demanding there be no story, which puts me

into a whole new world that I'm gonna have to adapt to.

Well, you have to do it by yourself, please. Okay?

Because if this appraisal is a story,

that means we're in trouble, and we are not in trouble,

because if we are...

No more stories.

Ta-da.

So we'll see you later.

After no story.

No story.

So be it.

Let the lack of story...

Hey.

Oh, put one trap behind each cabinet.

Although I think we're good.

The cafeteria food killed most of the roaches anyway.

Hey, check it out.

Is this a wedding ring?

Are you kidding?

What...

Aww, I lost this my first week here.

Oh, who's the lucky...

It's my mom's.

I started wearing it because... I don't know.

Everybody dreams of settling down, right?

And because it fits.

She had huge fingers for a woman,

part of what killed her, really.

I'm not dreaming about settling down.

Well, maybe you already have.

You're teaching, and you like it.

You love Greendale.

No, I love scotch and myself.

I tolerate Greendale.

It's a good school.

That's why there's no need for this to get sentimental.

This inspection is going to be the most boring thing

to happen here since Britta dated Troy.

All right, no story.

Wait.

If there's no story, what am I explaining?

I'm in a story.

Okay, think, Abed, think.

How do you shake a story?

The answer...

is in the teacher's lounge.

- Here he comes, here he comes. - Okay.

Hi, there. My name is Ronald Mohammed.

Go ahead. I've heard them all.

The city of Greendale has sent me here

to assess this campus' level of liability.

Now, what do I mean by liability?

Well, the city defines liability

as any asserted or non-asserted perturbation

by any qualifying party.

What's a party?

A party is a person or a group of persons

or an event celebrating a person

or a party of persons' birth, marriage...

Don't panic, Jeffrey.

Hmm? I'm fine.

I'm the only one who's not panicking.

Oh, please.

You can lie to yourself, but don't lie to me.

But the city defines a dog as any living entity

with four legs and a tail,

so raccoons, bears, mountain lions, mice...

these are all just different sizes of dog.

What do I mean by "size"?

I'll tell you a story.

What's that supposed to mean?

I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff.

I know how much you feel in general.

And I know you think it's a weakness,

but believe me, it's your strength.

You got something in your teeth.

Mm-hmm, you got something in your chest.

400,000 gallons of liquefied horse meat.

Here I come.

Just...

"And you shall find that salt is the taste

"of another man's bread,

and hard is the way up and down another man's stairs."