Two and a Half Men

There we go, watch your step.

I can't feel my face, Charlie.

You just had two wisdom teeth pulled.

Watch the drool.

Whoa. Look at that.

That is a very sexy woman.

I'm sowwy? This awouses you?

Hey, how you doing?

Hey.

Charlie, walk away.

Relax.

This could be interesting.

You got a nice swing.

Thanks.

Try stepping into it, you'll get more power that way.

You mean like this?

Oh, yeah.

Dial one and the area code

'cause that is long distance.

Charlie, let's go.

This woman is cwearly a wunatic.

Yeah, but look at the passion, the fire...

the ass.

Is this your car?

Do I look crazy to you?

Well, frankly...

So whose car is it?

Cheating boyfriend?

Nope. Psychiatrist.

Charlie, psychiatwist.

What more do you need to hear?

Hang on.

So you're beating up your shrink's car?

He said I have anger issues.

The quack.

Then he hit on me.

The horny quack.

Hey, hold this for me.

Oh, good.

I'm on deck.

Man, this is gonna take forever.

Either one of you guys got an ice pick?

Don't cars like this usually have an awarm system?

Thanks a lot.

Let's get out of here, Charlie.

Hey!

You're not just gonna leave me here, are you?

No. Yes.

Alan... Charlie...

So how come Mush Mouth gets shotgun?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

Anti-depressants, tranquilizers, sleeping pills.

You want any of these?

No, thanks. I'm good.

Are you sure? 'Cause you seem a little edgy.

No, I'm a wot edgy.

Isn't throwing that stuff on the road a wittle dangerous?

To who, raccoons?

They can't get past the childproof cap.

I got to say, I really appreciate this, guys.

No problem.

Big pwoblem.

Frankie. Charlie.

Awan.

Owan?

Not Owan, Awan.

Is Awan a little slow?

Yeah.

But I make up for it by being a little fast.

Uh-oh. I know your type.

You do, huh? Yep.

Don't care for it particularly.

So, where can we dwop you?

Well, that's the thing.

I really don't have anywhere to stay.

Why, did you escape from someplace?

Oh, great.

Pot shots from Spittle Boy.

And if you must know,

I'm having family problems.

Charlie, you wouldn't happen to know of a place

I could crash tonight, would you?

Oh, cwap.

Here we are.

Chez Charlie.

Great house.

Oh, wow, you're right on the beach.

I have got to go for a swim.

Charlie...

Charlie...

she's taking her clothes off.

Is this a great country or what?

Hi, Dad. Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Hey, guys.

Rose, what are you doing?

We're playing Mummy on a Chair.

I'm the mummy.

Judith. Hi.

Is Jake ready to go?

Hang on.

Jake, your mom's here.

Charlie, why don't you

go out on the deck and keep an eye out for...

approaching squalls.

I'm on it.

It's squall season.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart.

Uh, what is he doing?

He's playing Mummy on a Chair.

Where's the chair?

I don't know the rules, Judith.

Hey, Rose.

Thanks for baby-sitting.

Oh, no problem.

We had fun. Good.

So, who's the naked lady?

I'm not really sure.

She was trashing a car with a baseball bat

when we left the dentist's office,

and, you know, one thing kind of led to another.

So you met cute. That's nice.

But you know, you may want to be careful

with a girl like that, Charlie.

One day it's baseball bats and windshields.

The next day you wake up with your testicles

superglued to your thigh.

Point taken.

I'm sorry about that, by the way.

Water under the bridge.

Hurry up, Jake. Your mother's waiting.

Remember, I'm bringing him back tomorrow night

so I can see my parents.

Why is there a woman's shoe on your floor?

Uh, well, um, uh... apparently, uh, uh,

Mummy on a Chair is a very complex game.

Bye, Dad.

See ya, pal.

Tell your brother he's a pig.

I'll leave a note on the fridge.

Oh, God, I needed that.

Me, too.

It's like all my insanity and rage

have just been washed away.

That's good, 'cause, you know,

all your drugs are on the Coast Highway.

So, where can I take a nice, hot shower?

I said where, not with whom.

You're so cute.

Right back at ya.

Good, Charlie.

Keep hitting on the deranged woman.

Uh, while you're at it,

why don't you try humping a bear trap?

Alan, open your eyes.

This is an intriguing, exciting woman.

A rare and magnificent jewel.

She's hot, and you're horny.

I'm saying.

Mmm, I just love warm sake.

Me, too.

Tora! Tora! Tora!

You know, Frankie,

there are many fine hotels in the area.

I can't stay in a hotel.

Why not?

Wow.

That is a very good question.

So, uh, where are you from?

Guess.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Okay.

Here I am yakking about myself.

What about you guys?

Alan, what do you do?

Oh, wow, good question. Guess.

How 'bout that?

Alan, don't be childish.

She started it.

He's a chiropractor.

Really?

That's terrific.

I have so much respect for what you guys do.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

See that, Charlie?

My brother thinks I'm just a glorified masseuse.

I never said "glorified."

Oh, Charlie, you are so wrong.

Chiropractors are like

angels of healing.

These hands

have amazing powers to bring relief and even pleasure.

Hey, these aren't exactly hooks.

So, uh, do you get regular chiropractic work?

Are you kidding? Once a week.

In fact, I'm in desperate need of an adjustment right now.

Well, let me get my table.