Two and a Half Men

Okay, here it is.

This is Louis' first science fair project.

You're gonna love it.

Wow.

Louis made this all by himself.

Last time I was here,

he got the straw from his juice box stuck in his nose.

He also got it unstuck.

Uh, check it out.

So, uh, so we'll take a piece of bread, all right?

Put it in the mouth,

where the saliva will start to dissolve the bread.

And then it'll travel down to the stomach,

where the acids will break down the complex carbohydrates.

At which point it will move past the appendix,

which does nothing.

Yeah, we should rename that the Alan.

Uh, and then it'll go to the small intestines,

the large intestines, where finally...

Oh, dear God.

Uh, no, it's okay, it's a Hershey's Kiss.

Okay.

So the reason I came over is to tell you--

we are ready to start the final steps

for you to officially adopt Louis.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna Hershey's Kiss my pants.

But before the adoption is final,

I want you to tell Louis you two aren't gay.

Are you sure that this is the best time to do that?

I mean, I haven't even talked to him

about the birds and the bees,

let alone the bees and the bees.

I know there is never a perfect time

to tell your son his two dads aren't gay...

...but it'll be more harmful the longer you wait.

Yeah, but it's just, like, h-how do I tell him?

Um, does Hallmark make a "Sorry, son,

it turns out I'm straight" card?

You've been a fantastic father so far.

I am confident you will handle this

with the utmost attention and care.

Walden?

Him I'm worried about.

Sorry I'm late.

Uh, I took Louis to the mall

to get him some new school clothes.

He's trying them on right now.

Plus there was a new kiosk that will bedazzle anything.

Got an iPhone case for my boo.

Now, I'm gonna bedazzle your cheek with some sugar.

Alan, as your social worker, I cannot accept gifts.

And as your "boo," hell no.

I can't believe I'm just realizing this,

but the perfect person to date a social worker

is a needy child.

We were just discussing that it would be

in the best interest of Louis to tell him

you two aren't actually gay.

Oh, I agree 100 percent.

I mean, it's not like anyone was buying either one of us

as a gay man anyway.

Ooh, that top is fierce, girl. Rawr.

Louis, could you come in here for a second?

Oh, oh, we're doing it right now?

It will be such a relief to discontinue this charade.

What are you wearing?

Alan says between business casual and country club chic.

Now turn around.

He's "bedazzle-ous."

Okay, should we tell him now?

I don't think he's gonna believe us.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Oh, hey, Berta.

I talked to Louis.

He said you guys told him you're not gay.

Yeah, we didn't want to lie to him anymore.

So now you're just lying to yourself.

Lyndsey?

Hi, Alan. Can we talk? Sure, come on in.

Uh, can I give you a hand with your box?

Boy, I haven't said that to you in a while.

I'll say to you now what I said to you then.

It's easier if I just do it myself.

I was cleaning out my house,

and I found some of your old things.

Oh, look at this stuff.

Oh, here's a picture from our Caribbean vacation.

Oh, remember how I got stung by that jellyfish?

Of course I do-- you made me pee on you to neutralize the pain.

Seems like you got stung a lot on that vacation.

Did I?

Wow!

Oh, look.

Wow, my old boom box.

Oh, and it still has that mix CD I made for us.

"Now That's What I Call Nasty, Volume 69."

"Mambo No. 5."

How did I ever let you make love to me

while you sang other women's names?

Be fair, you used to scream other guys' names.

Anyway, I didn't come by just to bring you your stuff.

I also wanted to tell you that I've decided to move away.

Get a fresh start.

What?

Uh, wh-where's this coming from?

I've been thinking about it for a while,

and there's nothing for me here.

I mean, most of my memories involve a time

when I was drinking really heavily,

and those aren't pretty.

I mean, the bar by my house has a drink

called "The Lyndsey Special."

It's a bottle of Merlot, a shot of vodka

and a scrunchie to hold your hair back while you throw up.

So where do you think you're gonna go?

Well, I have family in Arizona, so...

not there.

Ah, you know, I just, I can't believe it.

I mean, well, I hope you don't forget about me completely.

You're a hard person to forget, Alan Harper.

I've tried.

Hence, "The Lyndsey Special."

Mm.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.

This is gonna be so strange.

I mean, even when we weren't together,

it was nice knowing you were nearby.

Ah, I know what you mean.

Well, this is it.

Good-bye, Alan.

Good-bye, Lyndsey.

Are we really not gonna talk about the 20 bucks you owe me?

I am really gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

Let's go to your room.

Okay, great.

Ow! What's wrong?

I just got stung by a jellyfish earlier, that's all.

Yeah, still got it.

Sex is very different when you're sober.

Now I really know how long two minutes is.

It was a special occasion.

I wanted to give you a little something extra.

Well, thank you.

This puts a nice cap on our relationship.

Wait.

I can't have this be the last time we make love.

The last time I put on your panties.

The last time you say, "No, not there,"

and I pretend I was just confused.

Look, I'm not saying I won't miss you,

but the fact is you're married.

You're about to adopt a child.

That's my point.

The adoption is almost final, and when it is,

Walden and I will get a divorce.

And I misspelled my name on the prenup.

We'll live like kings.

Are you really asking me to stay?

Yes, I mean, we've shared so much over the years.

We can't just throw it away like a...

a long-running hit television show

that still pulls in a pretty decent audience.

I suppose it is something to think about.

I mean, for the first time in a long time,

neither one of us is seeing anybody else.

Hey, do you need a bedazzled iPhone case?

Wait, are you seeing someone?

Yeah, yeah, Alan Harper has two girlfriends.

What else do I have?

Good credit? Health insurance?

A job?

This is a lot to think about.

I'm gonna need some time.

Of course, take all the time you need.

Okay.

Look, I really do need to go.

And I really do need my panties back.

Oh.

Hey, Walden.

Lyndsey?

Uh, are you coming out of Alan's room?

Uh-huh.

You drinking again?

Do I need to take you to a meeting?

No, still sober.

But I should apologize for sleeping with your husband.

Not the first time I've said that.

See ya.

So, okay.

Alan!

Yeah?

Are you having sex with Lyndsey

while you're sleeping with our social worker?

Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.

No, it's not!

Look, look, this thing with Lyndsey just happened.

A-And, honestly, I-I'm glad it did.

I-I really want her to give us another shot.

Wh about Ms. McMartin?!