Petulia

Listen, these people are marvelous. You can't tell what they've gone through.

- You're right. - Their courage is just absolutely amazing.

The money is well spent.

Did you see her head, the way it was all in that sort of thing?

Dr. Bollen.

Dr. Bollen.

You can't leave. You're an official host.

Careful. Can't you tell I'm not wearing a bra?

No.

Don't think about it. It will only excite you.

That's my husband over there.

I've been married six moths and never had an affair.

- Well, it can happen. - Don't take it so well...

...I've just turned you down.

- Pardon me. - He's looking at us, my husband.

Isn't he gorgeous? He's a naval architect.

I must say, that has a real zing to it.

"My husband David is a naval architect." Actually, we're starving.

You wouldn't want to buy a 60-foot sloop, would you?

No.

David's mama and papa keep us.

Look how disgusted Papa looks. He hates this sort of thing.

I hope you win the car, sir.

- Perhaps Papa is too sensitive. - Sensitive, my ass. He's just bored.

Highway safety is so blah. Besides, he hates amateurs.

Now, give him something he can get his teeth into...

...muscular dystrophy or rheumatoid arthritis...

...Papa can set the world on fire.

- He's just slumming tonight. - Hello, Archie.

- Everyone came late. - I came early. Good night, Wilma.

Good night, Barney.

- Could you describe the coat? - It's a coat, a raincoat. With sleeves.

Archie, you can't go. I'd be very disappointed.

All right, then, I won't tell you who I bumped into last week.

- Buying a well-larded rib roast? - Oh, smarty.

- Have you seen what she's done to her hair? - Wild.

I said, "Polo, for heaven's sakes, you look like a teenager."

And Mike's getting so thin.

Do you think that's good for a boy his age?

Well, if it's all right for rib roast....

Smarty. I don't believe we've met.

- Get stuffed, Wilma. - You have now.

- My name is Petulia. - I'm not surprised.

- Polo is your wife? - My ex-wife. Good night.

Archie. Archie!

- Say something warm. - Like what?

I mean it.

All right.

- Your hair, it gleams. - Oh, Archie.

- How do you brush it? Left arm or right? - Left.

- An hour every day? - Yes, at least.

Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have a little problem.

You see, the bursa sheath, it's very sensitive. Bursitis. It hurts.

- Well, I'll come to you. - I won't be much help. Just aspirin.

- And sympathy? - Sure.

Thank you, Archie.

How can I have an affair with an unmarried man?

There must be some equality of guilt.

My divorce doesn't become final till next month.

I'll get my purse.

- Hell. - What?

I'm the one to pick the winning ticket for the car.

I'm always chosen for that sort of thing. You see, I radiate incorruptibility.

Money can't buy me.

Isn't it super? Suddenly, all that love.

Well, stay, then.

Archie, why do you play this dumb game?

This pretense of resisting a beautiful lady.

You should be jolly lucky I'm even talking to you.

- How many kids do you have besides Mike? - Six.

- Good night. - Actually, there's only one besides Mike.

I'll meet you here.

- Does this bother you? - A little.

Well, I suggested my place.

I'd always imagined this tourist cabin, paper-thin walls...

...and a man from Tennessee in the cabin next door...

...sobbing endlessly, "Maude, Maude."

Good evening.

We've got an elevator, but it's only for going for paper and the like.

If you don't wanna use your car.

But you'll have to use the ramp because of the key.

The key lets you know when you get to your room.

- Charming. - No, no, you don't understand.

It shouldn't be charming.

You're missing the whole point. It should be menacing...

...gray, terribly distraught.

- And I plunge madly into your arms, and-- - My apartment's only four blocks from here.

Just wait a minute, will you?

My great-grandmother's 91 and she still has a granite chin.

My God, what a lecherous lot.

- Ninety-one, eh? - Yep. But not much fun.

Well, 91, hell.

Oh, she stopped having fun at 28 when her husband was killed in the first war.

In the trenches, looking just like Cary Grant with a waxed mustache.

She can't remember him, but she can remember Cary Grant...

...because he comes from Bristol too and, well, he's always in the news.

Whenever Cary Grant's picture's in the paper...

...he gets a waxed mustache whether he likes it or not.

Stop being so damn casual.

We're about to become lovers.

Did you bring an instrument?

Ring room service and ask the robot to send up something splendid and musical.

A saxophone? Electric organ? Tuba?

Tuba. Absolutely. Bless you, Archie.

A tuba. Something large and whirly.

This is an event, Archie. We're about to become lovers.

You said that.

- I can't say it often enough. - Are we?

- Are we what? - About to become lovers?

No.

You swinging young marrieds.

Where are you rushing to?

If we were....

If we were making love...

...you'd be exploring my nails, something like that.

Time would be the last thing on your mind.

You look like a gargoyle.

Poor, dumb Archie. You see, I'm all mixed up sexually.

My mum was a prostitute. The oldest professional lady in Bristol.

My sister too. Mavis. Only, she's not a landmark yet.

Real, honest-to-God tears, Petulia?

Real tears, Archie.

Petulia, you're a kook.

If you get back in time, you can pick the winning ticket and make somebody happy.

- I'm going to marry you, Archie. - It's the Pepsi generation.

Hey, can you direct us to a Chinese restaurant?

Okay, I'm awake.

I'll make some coffee.

Excuse me.

Aren't I a kook, though?

Well, if you think you're surprised, think how surprised the man...

...in the pawnshop's gonna be when he sees all that broken glass.

Archie, the burglar alarm didn't go off.

Where is it all going to end if the burglar alarms don't go off?

- Take me to bed. - Will you get the hell out of here, please?

Petulia.

I think I've broken a rib. I can feel it.

Don't you know you can puncture a lung?

Carting tubas around and all that sort of stuff. Kooky, though, isn't it?

When are you gonna stop trying to undress me?

Look, it's just a rib to me.

Yes, I know. That's why. Go on, go and call a proper doctor.

- What do you think I am? - A hairy-legged old lecher...

...running around in shorts.

- Get your clothes off. - Oh, as a woman, not as a rib.

- Hello? - Barney? Archie.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, fine. Listen, Barney.

- I got a patient I want you to look at. - What? Where?

- Now, in my place. My apartment. - What's he doing there?

Barney, it's very complicated and I haven't had my morning coffee.

- Well, what's the name? - Her name is Petulia.

- Petulia what? - I don't know her last name. Petulia.

- Why don't you look at her yourself? - Shut up.

I've gotta get to the hospital.

Where are all the family pictures?

Polo and the boys.

I'll bet you called her Polo.

Hey, don't you go mucking about with "Petulia."

What's her real name?

Prudence.

And you called her Polo. That's kind of sickening, Archie.

- And want him here every day for therapy. - Yes, doctor. I do.

Every day, will you tell him that?

- What did he say? - He say yes.

Are you sure?

Otherwise, you have to stay in the hospital. You're not well yet. Say that to him.

I'm sorry, pal.

Where did he learn such words? Shame on you.

Every day. Same time, 2:00, on the dot. Oh, I'm sorry.

I like the way he heals.

Cut it out, you little spic.

- About the money, doctor-- - How is she?

Lunch.

His leg is going to be fine.

Don't worry too much about the bill. Just enough to pay it.

I have the money to pay.

Now we have our lovely Tina, modeling rainwear.

Beauty, grace and a little sex.

The season's latest rave-- I mean, rage. All set for action.

Indecent as her....

Hi.

"Get stuffed, Wilma." Why didn't you tell me?

- How is she? - You tell me.

Great. Terrific. You wouldn't believe it. Terrific.

- How's her rib? - I taped it.

Gave her some Seconal.

She should have a vertical just to be safe.

- Why do we have to eat topless? - The best Irish stew in town.

- I'll have the corned beef too. Thank you. - Thank you.

She said you beat her up.

Kidding, of course.

You must have been a little rough on her, daddy.

- Archie? - Barney?

You know how long I've known you?

Forever?

- That's how long. - Thank you.

And Polo and the kids. That's exactly how long.

Well, I have a right to my opinion.

This is breaking Wilma's heart.

It's all we ever talk about.