Frank of Ireland

_

Fuck.

I cannot believe you did it again.

Mam.

Oh, you're so boring.

How many times you gonna do this with her?

It's like "Return of the Living Dead."

Her grandma died yesterday.

Oh. Pity shag.

Mm-mm. We're invited to the wake.

Oh, yeah. Wakey-wakey.

Shove it up your jack, Mary.

Oh...

Your grandma had a long life, Áine.

I can't believe I rode you again.

Oh.

Last night was a mistake.

Absolutely. Why?

For the last couple of weeks, Frank,

I've been... I've been seeing someone.

A doctor.

Oh, my God.

Is it serious?

It might be.

Do I need to get tested?

No, Frank. I've been seeing him.

We've been seeing each other.

So, it is serious.

Do I need to get tested or not?

I have to go.

- That was the last time. - Absolutely.

Hey. Do you want to get brunch?

"Thank God for the rain.

It washes the crap off the sidewalk.

Someday, a big rain will wash away

all this scum on the street.

Loneliness follows me wherever I go.

I am...

God's lonely man."

Robert DeNiro. "Taxi Driver."

Very good.

It's a great movie. Have you seen it?

Nope. Don't really want to.

"You never had no pussy like that.

You could do whatever you like with her, you could... "

"She'll get your cock so hard she'll make it explode."

- I was doin' Harvey Keitel. - Oh.

Doofus!

Hey!

- Doofus! - Get back, will ya?

Doofus. Doofus.

- Frank? - The wake, Doofus, the wake.

I can't, Frank.

I'll be fired.

I have to be back before lunch.

Frank.

What's the plan, Frank?

You hawk these by the buffet.

I'll press the flesh, check out the corpse.

Get your Duke Governs EP, two for a fiver.

- Christ, Doofus. - St. Francis of Assisi come to preach the simple life.

Mam, what are you doin' here? You said you couldn't give me a lift.

Free booze. Bit of craic.

It's lovely to see ya, Frank. It means so much to Áine.

Myself and Áine are just friends now, Padraig,

I've been very clear. The last thing I want to do is

get back with that nightmare you call a daughter.

Now, where's the corpse?

- Me mam? - Your mam. Yeah.

They've got trifle, Frank.

Sandra's not your mam anymore.

You know, from this day forward,

she's... she's just a dead old lady.

Well, I hope that helps.

- Not really. - Oh...

I wanted to ask you something, Frank.

Would you do us the very great honor

of playing a song at her funeral?

- What? - Holy shit. A gig?

No, not a gig, no. No, I was thinkin' more like

one song, you know, at the funeral.

He'll fuck it up, Padraig.

Doofus, he wants me to play a gig.

A gig? Holy shitballs. Woo!

Give me high five, buddy.

You know what? That sounds great.

Let... Let me think about it, Padraig, okay?

It's just... It's been a while since I've actually, um...

- Mm-hm. - Can I get back to you?

It's just... Yeah. Where's Áine?

She's inside with her new boyfriend.

Her new what?

Why didn't someone tell me? Have they...

- Have they done it yet? - I hope not.

He does MMA.

Duke Governs, back in the game!

- Frank. - What's this? Who's this?

Oh, my God, that's so weird.

Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.

Oh, Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.

Sorry, it's just I've never seen a stiff before.

She looks terrible. Is she stuffed?

She's not stuffed, Frank.

She looks so realistic.

What's goin' on here? How did this happen?

Doctor said it was organ failure.

Not this. This.

Oh. Well, it's, uh...

- It's kind of a mad story, actually. - Mad story, actually.

I was walking down Thomas Street a few weeks ago,

and all of a sudden, I see this vision.

And she's being hassled by some awful thugs, so I, um...

Well, look, I... I stepped in.

Don't be so modest, Peter-Brian.

- He does MMA. - Oh, I heard.

And I know your type. Underground ravings.

All night sex parties. Drinkin' way too much water.

Shittin' yourself.

Are you thinking of MDMA?

- No. - MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts.

I know what it stands for. Well, I'm a musician.

- I'm sure Áine told you. - Well, she said you...

You hadn't played in quite a while.

I'm actually playing the funeral tomorrow.

- What? Frank, no. - What's your jam, man?

- Don't bond with him. - I'm a singer-songwriter.

I go under the moniker Duke Governs and the Legislators.

The last few years, I've been working on

a 32-track double album about Ireland

in which each song is named after a single county.

I've only got the title so far, but I just came up with

"Blood Is Thicker Than Waterford," so you're welcome.

What do you do when you're not preying on vagrants,

and gettin' off your tits?

I'm a doctor.

So am I.

- You're not a doctor, Frank. - I'm gonna do MDMA.

- MMA. - And you definitely don't do MMA.

I do. Yeah.

- Are you a doctor, dude? - No.

That's Frank.

Did you know that taking Ecstasy...

also known as dabbing or bombing...

- is considered a gateway drug... - He doesn't do Ecstasy.

- It stands for Mixed Martial Arts. - Mixed Martial Arts. I know.

You're rushing things, Áine. We only broke off...

- Six years ago. - Six years ago,

and all of a sudden you're out gallivanting with a yoked up party boy.

- It doesn't mean Ecstasy. - I know.

What was all that last night?

I was upset about my grandma.

Bullshit.

Frank, you don't want me.

You just want me to be unhappy without you.

Exactly. So the thing you have going with Barry-Peter...

- Peter-Brian. - It's 100 percent unacceptable.

You broke up with me because...

because I wouldn't do anal.

A relationship should be give and take.

Give and take.

Are you guys goin' out again?

- We'll see, Doofus, we'll see. - No, Frank, it's over.

If you want Billy-Barry in there,

any funny stuff off my gig tomorrow,

I'll knock his bloody block off.

I'd like to see you try.

I need to learn MMA before the funeral.

- Book it now. - No, I'm due back at work, Frank, they'll sack me.

- MMA, now. - Shouldn't you rehearse instead?

- MMA. Now, now, now! - Okay.

You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?

- No. - Amazing movie.

In a world gone bananas,

one sane man stands up for what's right.

"Do you know what he called you?

He called you a little piece of chicken."

Don't really know the film so...

"You never had no pussy like that!

You can do... "

"Man, she'll get your cock so hard, she'll make it explode."

- I was doin' Harvey Keitel. - He was doin' Harvey Keitel.

What time is it?

Might have a quick cry.

Five more minutes, Frank.

Okay.

This is the last time I take time off work, Frank.

They, uh... they said if I miss one more day,

I'm out on my ear.

Holy shit.

Look at her.

I love her, Frank.

I love her.

Frank, is it?

- Yes, miss. - Nicola.

I'll be your trÁiner today.

Right.

Let's start in the cage, boys.

Lock it.

So, lads, what are you lookin' to get out of this?

To defend myself against bullies.