Teenage Bounty Hunters

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

What? I didn't hear my alarm go off.

That's 'cause it's only 6:23.

Oh, give me my seven more minutes,

- for the love of the Lord. - No!

I can't wait to tell you any longer.

Oh, no. Did someone die?

Please, don't let anyone be dead.

No one died, except my former child-self,

who was murdered by sex!

Miles and I had sex last night.

You've been waiting for so long for this moment.

I don't even know what you're gonna obsess over now.

- Hey, shut up! - Well, tell me everything.

- How was it? - Okay,

the first time was really slow,

and romantic, and sweet, and gentle.

Wait. The first time?

Yes. And then the third time

was really this just surprised continuation

of the end of the second time,

but the fourth time was the best time.

You had sex four times in one night?

- Mm-hm. - I didn't know that was possible.

Why was the fourth time the best?

Because that was the time I had an orgasm

while he was inside of me.

I had a sex-gasm.

- You did? - Yes!

And it was, like, so different than when I do it to myself, you know?

But it was also different than when

Miles made it happen with other stuff.

I can't really explain it. It was, like, deeper.

I saw fireworks or, like, fire dancers.

People eating fire. I don't know.

What did you see the first time you came with Luke?

Oh. Um...

Like, balls of fire and God.

He asked about Chloe, he's so nice.

Cool.

I'm sorry that I asked about Luke.

Are you doing okay?

Oh, better than him.

Oh, my God, 27 text messages.

Poor guy.

Actually, props for his Bitmoji. It's, like, really accurate.

I don't know what to say. You know?

Like... I don't want him to hurt,

but I'm not actually feeling sad about it.

And I'm trying to. Like...

Like, last night, I watched a really serious movie

to try and make myself cry

and I just ended up feeling really smart and happy

because it had subtitles.

You never could have watched that with Luke.

He reads so slow.

I know he's, like, "Why would I read a movie?

I don't drink meatloaf."

I think you made the right choice.

You deserve to be with somebody

who makes you feel the way Miles makes me feel.

And how is that?

Like a grown-ass woman.

Jugo de Naranja?

I went shopping down at that Mexican market.

I think we all need to learn to broaden our taste buds.

Mmm.

Okay, fine.

Girls...

... we're going to have to cut some corners now.

Now that what?

Now that I'm unemployed.

Your mother's pretty disappointed about that, if you hadn't noticed.

Well, I'm not disappointed, honey.

I... I want whatever makes you happiest.

Which, apparently, is hunting deer on a weekday.

It could be dinner.

Besides, it's been nice to relax a bit.

Clear my mind.

Think about what I want to do next.

Please don't leave me, honey.

Promise me you won't.

Promise me, baby.

Promise me, please, promise.

Yeah. I promise. That's enough.

Anyway, Sterling's debate championship is tomorrow.

Exciting, right?

Very exciting.

I wish you'd let your father and me come.

I'm sorry, Mom. It's just, this one's a really big one

and I don't want to panic and fold.

And having you there would only stress me out more.

Your mother's always had that effect on people.

Wow. Mm.

I wa...

Uh, wow.

Mom and Dad are both on their periods, it seems like.

Did you know that guys can get their periods, too?

Like, hormonally?

Of course I knew that.

I know a lot of things.

And... I know a lot of things that you don't know.

Sex has made you a little bit insufferable.

Listen up, forensics warriors.

As you know by now,

Willingham is hosting the citywide tournament tomorrow,

and we're going to do what?

- Win! - Oh.

Now, "Winning isn't everything."

Said no one in this room, right?

Miss Johnson has graciously volunteered to assist us.

I assume you have debate experience?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, my mail person was leaving things behind my planter,

so I said, "Excuse me.

Could you please put my stuff in my slot?

Because we have gophers and we have robbers."

And so we had this whole little back and forth.

Oh, but now guess what?

She does what I ask.

On... On most days.

Well, I can assure us all that I know how to win a point

and let me tell you,

as the school's first white female captain,

I am honored to lead you.

I miss Linda Chatterjee's grace and unflappable cheer.

I miss her too,

but she has taken her formidable brain

and remarkably large overbite

- to the leftist coast at Stanford. - Hm.

So, with the Lord's help, we will soldier through.

I've prepared dossiers on every school's forensics captain,

including this year's defending champion, Craig Wu.

- Ooh. - The dossiers include:

strengths, weaknesses,

marital status of the parents

and yes, perceived hotness at their respective schools.

All of us need to be on point tomorrow.

We don't want any screw-ups like last year.

Therefore, federal funding for transportation infrastructure

should not be guaranteed.

Isn't improving ports the most federal of responsibilities?

Federal government investment is needed

to maintain the US as a world leader in global commerce.

You make a great point.

Don't worry, Wesley.

Tomorrow's a new day, so go get some sleep.

And all of you, if you come in here looking bleary-eyed,

I will pin you down and Visine you myself.

Girls, try to remember that you're on the same team.

You used to be so close.

I'm sure you can find that again.

Just try.

Coach, I was thinking about bringing muffins to the other teams.

I was thinking, would you want to go in halfsies or...

We used to be on the same page, like, all the time.

Did we?

Maybe I blocked it out.

Come on.

Remember in fifth grade when we convinced Mrs. Willis

that we should have a lesson

on the cultural significance of the "Bad Blood" music video?

Till that rat-faced Marcy Browning reminded her of our quiz.

She was the worst.

Total narc.

At least I still got 100 on that quiz.

I got 95 because I spelled Quakers with a "C".

"Quackers".

It drove me crazy for, like, a month.

We need to be on each other's sides to win,

but after tomorrow, it's back to normal.

I.e., me knowing that you're fake

and being the only person in school who can see it.

Did you know that the French call the moment of orgasm

"The Little Death"?

Do you think cumming is like dying?

If it is, then I'm like a cat with nine lives,

and I just used a big one.

But I'm gonna need, like, 9,000 lives

if I die a little bit every time I have a sex orgasm.

Ah, here it is.

Okay. I think we've reached a point in our relationship

where I would like stronger boundaries.

The next time Miles and I have sex I'm going to be, like...

And then I'm gonna flip him over

and I'm gonna be like bam! Bam! Bam!

And then he's gonna be, like...

And then I'm going to do this thing with my hips that I read about,

and he's gonna be, like,

Okay, I don't wanna hear anymore.

Wait, I'm just getting to the best part.

Then I'm gonna grab his neck and I'm gonna pull...

Stop it!

Dude, what's up?

I lied, I've never had an orgasm with Luke! I...

Oh, shit.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I thought he would have hit the spot, like, at least once.

You know what they say,