Veep

Selina: Jesus Beverly Christ, I'm starving.

- Do you want a juice box? - Where was that an hour ago?

- Ma'am. - What?

We have a lead on a site for your library.

Eastern Shore of Maryland.

If it was any more Kennedy-esque,

it would drive you into the ocean.

Eastern Shore, very classy.

Fittingly, I lost my back-virginity in Assateague.

I once lost my wallet in Denver.

We need a down payment of five mil.

- Yeah. - Ma'am, Tanz at 2:00.

Where?

No, ma'am, you have a meeting with Tanz at 2:00.

- Oh, thank you very much, Richard. - Absolutely.

- (reporters clamoring) - President Meyer! President Meyer!

Can we get a few words about the late Justice Tenny?

Absolutely. He was a friend to all people,

especially corporations, who he legally considered to be people.

- Thank you. - Madam President,

any idea who President Montez is considering

for the open Supreme Court seat?

No, no, no, no, no, there is absolutely no validity

to the rumor that the president is being considered for the seat.

- Do you mean President Meyer? - Is that even a rumor?

At this point, that's all we can say.

- Bye. - Ma'am!

- What in the holy fuck was that, Mike? - I'm so sorry, ma'am.

I just habitually deny everything these days.

It gets me in trouble with Wendy, too.

The other day, I flushed a comb down the toilet.

You know what I don't need is examples.

I do wanna hear the end of that, though.

No, no, there's absolutely no validity to this rumor...

Well, if you like, Jane, I can float your name out there for you.

You think I'd make a good judge?

You do like throwing books at people.

When we return, more of that signature Danny Egan wit.

Plus, reading...

could it be bad for your child's self-esteem?

Why one Texas housewife wants to phase it out.

- And we are clear. - That was funny.

Not too far?

No, no, I said it was funny, I meant it was funny.

- Keep it up. - Okay, here we go.

I thought my charm campaign was turning into a bit of a death march,

but I think I breached her defenses.

Jane: Stevie, when we throw to commercial,

I want a full fucking beaver shot with the legs.

Otherwise, what is the point?

Sorry, Jane. Beave and legs, got it.

I don't see that much of a difference.

I mean, she pretty much likes everyone.

I need her to like me. Can we go easy on the bronzer, please?

I'm starting to look like a diversity hire here.

I mean, Jane calls the shots, and I wanna be taken seriously.

- I get ya. - If I wanted people

to think that I actually still cared about them,

I would've stayed in fucking politics.

Here are the notes on the kid chefs.

I'd be careful. A couple of them have colds.

Selina: I'm sweating my balls off here.

Is the air conditioning even on?

- I'm gonna check. - Look what time it is, ma'am.

- What time? - Memoir time.

- Oh, God. - Last time,

you weren't comfortable just talking,

so I made a list of questions.

- Oh, okay, fine. - First one...

- as a female, do you feel that... - Pass!

- Ma'am, Sherman Tanz is here. - Selina: Oh, my God.

- All right, get out of here, Mike. - Great session.

- Sherman! - Madam Pardoner.

Don't mention it. Ever.

- Come in, take a seat. - Thanks.

So, we have something to toast

because we found property for my library.

Oh, wonderful! You know, I'm on the board at the Nixon Library.

- Oh, good for you. - The miserable anti-Semite,

- but a great friend of Israel. - Yes, yes.

So, how much do you need?

Do you know, by the way,

that my father was an associate of Bebe Rebozo's?

Uh-huh, you're stalling. It must be a big number.

- (chuckles) No, I don't want it. - You have back trouble?

You know what helps? Bananas.

- Oh, is that so? - The potassium.

Oh, of course, yeah. That makes sense.

It's a little ache. It's nothing.

- If you're not using that... - Oh, absolutely!

- I never turn down a warm compress. - Then take it.

Let's give Mr. Tanz a compress.

- Sir, of course. - Okay, good.

- What, no massage? - (chuckles)

- Gary, massage him. - Mm-mm.

Mm-hmm.

I believe you were about to mention a number.

- Yes. - Ooh. Ah.

- Just go deep. Just go deep for him, yes. - (Sherman groaning)

I was thinking in the ballpark

of maybe five million.

- That's a big ballpark. - Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

But I think five million is swingable.

Oh, bless your heart and your deep pockets, Sherman.

Now, listen, if there's anything

- that I can ever do... okay, there we go. - Actually,

Madam President, because of the actions of misguided reformers,

our prison system is in grave danger

of dropping below 135% occupancy.

Well, I think that I'm partially to blame for that

because I let you out of one.

Montez is pushing hard to put an end

to for-profit prisons and privatization.

- It's madness! - It's insane.

I wanna find somebody to make sure it does not happen.

Mm-hmm.

Somebody from the Hill, preferably high up.

Yeah, we can find you a man or a woman,

but it'll probably be a man if you wanna get anything done.

- Hang on a second. Richard? - Amy: Yes, ma'am?

Right, I want you to get in touch with Ed McPherson on Judiciary

'cause he's building an infinity pool.

- On it. Too late. - Okey dokey.

Madam President, don't let me take any more of your time.

- It's always a pleasure. - It's always a tonic for me to see you.

- Keep your chin up. - Thank you.

- What's happening? - Oh, my God.

- What's this? - My back.

- (door closes) - Okay, get me

a clean compress now, please.

- Ma'am, you're not gonna believe this. - What?

CNN just came out with their speculative list

of nominees for the open Supreme Court seat...

- Yeah. - ...and

they have you as a long shot's long shot.

- You have gotta be kidding me. - You're welcome.

Gary, put CNN on right now.

Thanks for nothing, Mike.

God damn it, you guys, I am so hot.

Oh.

My tits feel like these Hot Pockets.

Do we have any Hot Pockets?

Well, ma'am, have you seen the doctor lately?

- Because maybe it's meno... - Hey, don't fucking say that, okay?

It's not that. Seriously, that is like

a sexist-beyond-sexist reaction.

I'm just tired, I'm uncomfortable,

Mike's hair reminds me of graham cracker crumbs.

I can't get any air in here

because all you people are in here sucking it.

Get out. All of you, out!

We'll hit the book later.

- Gary, where are you going? - Nowhere. I'm not, I'm not.

Good news is without the tampons,

it's gonna free up some space in my bag.

Where are you gonna put yours?

- I'm serious. - Okay.

Well, I do understand that, Senator,

but I know Sherman Tanz,

perhaps in a way that you don't know Sherman Tanz.

- Excuse me. - Oh, my God.

I pardoned "Typhoid Moishe."

Richard! Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right, ma'am. How's your temperature been?

- It's hot flashy. - It's totally normal.

Ma'am, I tried everyone on the Finance Committee...

- Yeah? - ...and they all said no.

All of them?!

They all said no very fast.

You have to check this out. This is insane.

What is it?

Do you actually think former president Selina Meyer could be a good choice?

Reaching across the aisle...

Doctor: I'm gonna need normal breaths, please.

I am breathing normally.

Well, Meyer certainly would be a super left field choice...

Super left field?

I mean, is that even a position?

Mm-hmm, that was my position in Little League.

- I was a pitcher's helper. - Aw.

- This is insane, isn't it? - I know! It's fucking absurd!

Well, you don't have to agree with me that strongly.

Don't you guys have something to do for Tanz?

And if you don't find anyone in the Senate,

lift up the sewer grate to the House.

- Madam President. - What? Oh.

Okay.

It's menopause? Just get it over with.

Write me a prescription for Eileen Fisher

and Fosamax and lube.

It's a common mistake among women

with the sweating and back pain at your age.

Careful.

Could you please just go and pack everything up for me in that other room?

- Go. - Bye, Gary.

Whew, oh, boy.

I suspect that this may be myocardial ischemia.

It's a lack of oxygen to the heart muscle.

It's usually caused by a partial arterial blockage.