Two and a Half Men

Good morning.

Top of the morning to you, sir.

Oh, God. Did you have a stroke?

Oh, no, no stroke.

I'm bleaching my teeth.

What?

Hmm. Sorry, I'm bleaching my teeth.

Oh.

And what are you up to?

Nothing just reading the news.

Mmm. Me, too. Old-school.

Anything interesting over there?

Just reading an article about how home teeth-whitening

systems might cause mouth cancer.

Really?

No, of course not.

Why are you even bothering with that thing?

Walden, I get rejected by women for 100 different reasons.

Whiter teeth would make it 99.

Zoey? Oh.

Hi, Ava.

Good morning, Walden.

What a great surprise. What are you doing?

I wanted to invite you to my birthday party.

That is so sweet.

Uh, but I don't know if I can.

Why not?

Oh, boy. Uh, is your mom there?

She's taking a shower.

Maybe, when she gets out, you could ask her if I can come.

Why? It's not her birthday.

Oh, this is breaking my heart.

Here's the thing, Ava.

I'm not your mom's boyfriend anymore.

I know that.

She's in the shower with Peter.

Kids say the darnedest things.

Okay, I'll tell you what, Ava. Uh..

..why don't you let me talk to your mom

and we'll figure something out.

Okay. I love you, Walden.

I love you, too.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Damn it.

I can't believe she's sleeping with this guy already.

Well, we don't know that.

All we know is they're in the shower together.

You're not helping.

Sorry.

Hey, I know what will cheer you up.

A whiter smile.

I've got another bleaching tray. How about it?

No.

You sure? You know what they say.

A million-dollar smile gathers a lot of interest.

Who says that?

It's the slogan on the box.

At least I think it is.

My Spanish is a little shaky.

- I'll pass. - You sure?

Might get your mind off of Zoey.

- My mind is not on Zoey. - Okay, fine.

You need to stop parking your car in the garage.

- Oh, really? How come? - It's leaking oil.

Oh, I don't think so.

I haven't put oil in it in two years.

Well, it's leaking something.

Well, why don't I just put down some cardboard?

Why don't you just put it on the street?

Oh, no, the salty sea air is very corrosive.

It'll hurt the blue book value.

Alan, you drive a 13-year-old Volvo station wagon

with a quarter of a million miles on it.

The blue book has more value than your car.

- Well, okay, but I-I-- - No buts!

You put your car on the street

or I'll put your ass on the street.

What a colossal douche.

- 'What?' - Just moving my car, boss.

Hey.

Hey.

I want to apologize for going off on you this morning.

No need.

- Really? - Water under the bridge.

Which, coincidentally, is where I had to park my car.

Well, I appreciate that.

And, uh, just FYI, pigeons nest under there.

My car already looks like it's covered in mashed potatoes.

I'll get it washed for you.

It'll need detailing.

No problem.

And oil.

Sure.

We good?

Yeah, I suppose.

Now, show me that million-peso smile.

Oh, no, I-I, you can't really tell.

Ah, come on.

Wow!

Nice!

It's like a movie star's smile.

You think? You think?

Yeah, they look like little Chiclets.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, I'm really sorry about the whole car thing.

This breakup's got me a little crazy.

Oh, I understand.

When my wife left me, I had a lot of anger.

Of course, I internalized it, which led to a lot of hair

in the sink and blood in the toilet.

So, you know what it's like to love someone so much

that your heart feels like it's going to explode

from your chest with pure happiness.

Oh, God, no, I was just pissed off about losing the house.

My point is that-that everybody has problems

but what's important is how you deal with them.

Here, let me get that for you.

See, the key is, you got to tap it in the right spot.

It's not, oh.

- It's okay. I-I got it. - No, no, I got it.

What the hell?

Son of a bitch!

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

No, it's not. I want ketchup, and I can't have it.

Calm down. It's just a condiment.

Choose me, damn it! Choose me!

Okay, we're-we're not talking about ketchup anymore, are we?

What else would we be talking about?

Okay, Uh..

Here, let me help you clean that up.

Oh, no, no.

- Don't worry about it. - You know what? Here.

Give me your shirt and pants and I'll throw them in the washer.

Oh, that's not necessary, actually.

Give me your shirt and pants!

Oh, uh, don't wash the shirt with the pants

'cause it's off brand and the colors tend to run.

Oh, and, uh and wash the pants in cold water.

They shrink in warm water.

Of course, that's funny because, uh, I shrink in cold water.

Just give me your stupid clothes!

Here.

I am so back in the garage.

Oh..

Perfect.

Coming!

With any luck, it'll be a door-to-door ketchup salesman.

Oh, Robin.

Hello, Alan.

Sorry. Uh, come on in.

- Walden, your mom's here! - 'Be right there!'

So, nice to see you.

Well, it's nice to see so much of you.

Your son insisted I take off my clothes after he soiled them.

That sounded weird, didn't it?

So, uh so, what brings you by?

- Walden's taking me to lunch. - Oh, lovely.

I enjoy the occasional lunch with my mom.

Really?

As one enjoys the occasional colonoscopy.

Walden!

Sorry.

Let's go.

- I'll drive. - Okay.

Oh, bon appetit.

- Bye. - Bye.

Everything about that man is disturbing.

Nice to see you again.

Oh, look. New yellow pages.

Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

- Uh, Berta! - Yeah?

'I'm locked out.'

Hang on.

'Hurry up, I don't have any clothes on.'

Hello?

'Berta?'

'Oh, come on!'

This is nice.

You and I haven't gone out for a bite to eat in a long time.

Yeah.

It's a shame, Zoey couldn't join us.

Mm-hmm.

How's she doing?

- Fine. - Good. I'm glad.

She's a great gal.

You don't want to let that one get away.

Right.

How old is her daughter? Eight?

She's almost nine.

- When's her birthday? - Few days.

Oh, fun. Is there going to be a party?

Yeah.

You know, for one of your birthdays

I got you a bouncy castle. Do you remember?

I do.

You should get one of those for Zoey's daughter.

- That's a good idea. - Oh.

And take lots of pictures.