Better Off Ted

Veridian Dynamics.

The environment.

Everyone likes it, and so we do too.

That's why we're committed to saving it.

Veridian Dynamics is turning every one of our buildings 100% green.

It's ridiculously expensive.

And spending money makes us sad...

but we're doing it because we love nature...

even when it's being mean orjust acting stupid.

Veridian Dynamics.

Greening our world.

I'm an honest guy, and yet...

I'm about to lie to 2,000 people.

We're in it now, Ted. Go big or go home.

- I can go home? - That stage is your home.

Go.

So how did I get here?

Because I like a girl.

Specifically, this girl.

And like so many stories about a girl...

this one starts with gunplay.

Okay, fellas. What are we lookin' at here?

This is the new unbreakable dinnerware we've been developing.

It's made from our new polymer, yo.

When you talk like that, it just makes you whiter.

Whoa! How much does this weigh?

- Eight pounds, four ounces. - Eight pounds?

- Four ounces. - Guys, I know I asked for an unbreakable dish...

but it doesn't have to take a bullet.

What kind of dinner parties you go to? Show me a lighter version.

- We've disappointed him. - No one would want to be us right now.

And since we are us, it's very difficult.

Agreed.

- So where are we on the- - Unbreakable dinnerware? It's not really-

- Well, then just- - I don't think we have to go that far.

- Good. But make sure- - I will.

Veronica and I have worked together so long, we have a shorthand...

an understanding, a trust.

Hey, Ted? So I saw this Veridian commercial last night...

that said they're greening all of their buildings.

Sure. The company does a lot of good things, like-

- Greening their buildings? - There's one.

They also have stopped their logging operations.

- Because they ran out of trees. - What do you want, Linda?

I was hoping maybe I could work with the group doing our building.

I was reading this stuff about roof gardens. They're amazing.

They can cut air conditioning costs by 30%.

Plus, our roof would look 70% prettier, so that's 100% right there. Please?

Well, the math seems sound.

- Let me clear it with Veronica. - Really?

Excellent. Oh, thank you.

- Sorry. That was just platonic. - Oh, yeah, I got that.

- Because I have a boyfriend. - I know.

- Because you weren't interested in me. - Linda, it wasn't you.

- I just thought- - Why are you even bringing this up? Just go get me my garden.

There is no program to green the building.

Yeah, there is. They made a commercial about it.

I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building.

I said there is no program to green the building.

So it's all a lie?

They prefer to look at it as a dream.

But one they're not working towards.

Are you working toward all of your dreams, Ted?

Then stop pointing fingers.

How am I gonna tell Linda the one Veridian project she believes in...

is all a big lie?

She sometimes has a problem with what we do here.

If we make this, it could kill all the world's fish.

- But boy, does it whiten teeth. - All the world's fish, or just-

Why are we even talking about this?

There she is. I'm just gonna tell her the truth.

- Well? - You're in.

- Oh! - Or completely lie to her.

- Really? That's fantastic. - It's a dream come true.

Oh!

I didn't see anything.

Now, here's the deal. The rest of the team...

is working on other really good green projects.

So you're gonna do the roof garden... by yourself.

Wow. That's a lot of work.

- So don't do it. - No, I wanna do it.

All right. But you can't tell anybody what you're doing.

The company has classified this as confidential.

But it's a good thing. Why does it need to be confidential?

Because, uh, if only bad things were confidential...

then every time they labeled something as confidential, people would know it was bad.

- That's weird. - I know. So don't do it.

- I wanna do it. - Good. Welcome to the team.

- Which is only you. - Right.

Okay, so I lied. But you saw that face.

Who wouldn't lie to that face?

Look at all this stuff! Yea!

All right, guys. Let's get it on the roof.

Plus, I figure if she's successful...

I can sell the roof garden as a prototype for all Veridian buildings.

Welcome to the big city, fellas.

So what's the deal? Are you guys fighting or having sex?

I know. One always follows the other.

To fund the project, I had to move some money around.

I've never done anything like that before.

But people do it all the time, right?

At a company this big, no one ever notices where the money is.

Ted, I've noticed some money's missing, and I need to know where it is.

So do you know where that missing money is, Ted?

Because the company loves its money.

The money, it's- it's not missing.

- Good. Then where is it? - Well, it's, um-

Uh, it's been moved... to...

theJabberwocky project.

Jabberwocky?

You know aboutJabberwocky, right?

You're higher up the chain than I am.

- Jabberwocky. - It's going to revolutionize the way we do business.

Don't tell me you don't know-

Of course I know aboutJabberwocky.

It's gonna revolutionize the way we do business.

Well, you obviously know more about it than I do.

And I always will. Keep me posted.

There's noJabberwocky project.

I don't normally lie to Veronica. In fact, I never do.

But I had to cover the lie I told Linda.

Jabberwocky? What the-

Veronica didn't question me because the worst thing...

that can happen at a company like this is to be out of the loop.

If you're out of the loop, you're out of a job.

- You wanted to see me, Chet? - There's some money missing from your department.

It's not missing. It's been moved to theJabberwocky project.

Jabberwocky?

Yes. That's right.

I see.

You do know aboutJabberwocky, don't you?

Of course I do. I just didn't know that you knew.

How could I not know? It's in my department. Isn't it?

Exactly.

So we both know what it is.

Yes, we do.

Don't we?

Yes, we do.

Ted. We now have a plate that weighs less than five ounces.

An it's still unbreakable. Watch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fellas, you can't fire a gun in here.

Yeah. Alan ruined that for everybody. But check this out.

You were right. That polymer could burst into flames on high impact.

You owe me a smoothie.

I'm going to leave this here.

Sorry about that, Cathy.

But better than that time Alan shot at you, right?

Um, guys, I'm gonna have to pull the plug on this thing.

Wait.

What if we could come up with a use for a burning plate?

Aplate you could also cook your food on.

- A plate that is also a stove. - A "plove. "

Yeah, I don't think so. Hey, everyone goes through a slump.

- Did you hear that? Now he thinks we're in a slump. - Oh, God!

My mom's gonna be so upset. She hates when we disappoint Ted.

- You know, you don't have to tell her everything. - You don't know her.

She gets things out of you.

It's gonna revolutionize the way we do business.

Man, I gotta get on this Jabberwocky thing.

My wife is pregnant again. I need a winner.

- I'll put in a good word for you. - My God! You're on Jabberwocky?

I cleared half my schedule for it. It's a freakin' game changer, bro.

Just once in my career, I'd like to change a game.

Oh, man. This lie is spreadin' like mayonnaise at a Baptist picnic.

Ted. This is crazy.

I haven't gotten anything done all day.

Everyone just keeps pestering me to get on Jabberwocky.

Hey, Veronica, I was just talking to Brett-

I can't hear you. I'm going through a tunnel.

- But- - I'll call you back.

Listen, Veronica. I need to tell you something.

Hey, guys. Isn't this a great day? I am so happy.

I need to tell you that Linda is so happy.

Can I borrow him for a second?

And she needs to borrow me for a second.

I wish I had the power to make everyone go away.

No, wait. I do.

- Here. Taste this tea. - Why?

Just taste it.

- How do you like it? - I don't know. Tastes like tea.

- It's made from urine. - God!

- Uh- - Don't worry. It's safe.