M*A*S*H

Damn! Football, basketball and now softball.

Those gyrenes whip our fannies every time.

Colonel, nobody wants to win more than I do,

but don't get yourself upset.

‐It's only a game. ‐You cost us the game!

It's that skylark attitude of yours

that got you thrown out at home plate!

‐(stammers) ‐Colonel, we lost 24‐4.

‐She killed a rally! ‐Murderer.

Bartender, charge another round to Potter's wimps.

"Wimps," huh?

Oh, I'd give a year's retirement pay

to find one thing

we could whup those weenies at.

They're just lucky

there aren't any bowling alleys around here.

I'd show them a strike or two.

Bowling, huh? Wait a minute.

I roll a pretty mean hook myself.

Colonel, I'm pretty good at‐‐

Not now, Margaret! I'm recruiting.

‐Pierce? ‐I don't bowl.

Although I once had a perfect score on Lovers' Lane.

‐Ha! ‐Hunnicutt?

I had third‐highest average in my league,

but that was a while ago.

Bowling's like riding a bicycle: You never forget.

Okay. We got ourselves three quarters of a team.

Shouldn't be a problem finding one more in this whole camp.

‐What about me? ‐No, I'll look for him.

Pitts, we found a game that we are gonna beat you at.

Oh, yeah? What is it, jacks or tiddlywinks?

‐(laughing) ‐Bowling.

Bowling?

What are you gonna use for an alley, the minefield?

I'll handle the alley part.

You just have your four best bowlers here

a week from today.

Now, are we on, or are you...

We're on.

Oh, and one more thing, Sparky.

Would you check on that shipment of methylene blue?

Major Winchester's still waiting for it.

Thanks a lot, Sparky. So long.

Was that "Thank you, Sparky" for the bowling alley?

Uh, no, sir. Just for some medicine.

Damn! You're letting me down.

Sir, after six days on this phone,

I can safely say there's no bowling alley to be had.

Captain. Permission to send the balls and pins back, sir?

Permission denied!

What kind of a country is it

that doesn't have a bowling alley?

What do these people do on Saturday night?

Sir, isn't it time to give up on the tournament?

The hell it is!

Is there anything I can do for you, sir?

Huh? No, no. I just want to finish this.

Okay, sure.

Uh, hello. Is this, uh... Is this Sparky?

Yeah. This is Captain Pierce at the 4077th.

Can you help me? I need to...

I need to place an overseas call.

Yeah, it's important.

Hot damn!

Well, what do you think of your old C. O. now?

I got to hand it to you, sir. It really works.

You know it.

Anything that hits either bench is a gutter ball.

We'll kick those Marines' butts

way back to the Halls of Montezuma.

Goldman, I want 12 coats of wax on this before morning.

Yes, sir, Colonel.

You can wax all you want, sir,

but that's not gonna get us our fourth bowler.

So far, it's still only you, me and Captain Hunnicutt.

Everyone else in the camp

is sick of getting creamed by those Marines.

Klinger, we're desperate. Just get a fourth body.

Any body will do.

Colonel, if you're still looking for a bowler,

I'm available.

Not a chance.

No! No, no, no, no. Not Portland, Oregon.

There's... Yeah, yeah. There's one in Maine, too.

‐Pierce. ‐Okay, yeah, I'll wait. I'll wait.

Shh, shh.

Charles, if you don't mind, this is private.

Well, then, shh.

Yeah, well, see, this is an emergency.

My father's‐‐ My father's having an operation.

I said my father's having an operation.

I‐‐ Why not? What‐‐

What... I don't understand. What do you mean,

you can't call Portland from Guam?

You're routing me through where?

‐Mars? ‐Military Affairs' Radio Station.

Oh. Charles, I don't want

anyone else in this camp to know about this.

Yes, all right! Fine! I'll wait, I'll wait.

Yeah, yeah.

What's he going in for?

He didn't say.

Well, when does he go in?

Today. And thanks to the U. S. Army postal system,

which studied under the U. S. Army phone system,

the letter he sent me over two weeks ago just got here.

Damn it! I wish I knew what it was.

Well, is there anything I can do?

Charles, one of the things

I've always liked about our relationship is

we never let sympathy get in the way.

‐Ah. ‐Yes! Yes, I can hear you.

Yes. Can you hear me?

Wha... I‐‐ I'm supposed to say "over"?

No! Wait a minute! That wasn't an official "over."

Padre, you're lofting the ball.

Where'd you learn to bowl, in a nunnery?

Colonel, your tone offends me,

especially since I didn't want

to be on this team in the first place.

You came in here for tryouts.

I came in for cocoa.

All ready for practice, Coach.

A goofy smile isn't gonna win us

this bowling tournament, Hunnicutt.

Now I want you to show the padre

how to set the ball down without lofting it.

Oh, sure. No problem. Watch this, Padre.

No loft.

Hunnicutt, you bowl like a grade‐school kid.

I thought you told me you placed third in your league.

It was a grade school league.

I wanted Pitts so bad.

Colonel, gotta talk to you.

You practice. You pray!

I picked up some scam at Rosie's.

Guess who's bowling for the gyrenes.

‐Marty Urbancic. ‐Urbancic. Urbancic?

The Trenton Tornado.

Before the service, he placed third

in the U. S. Open Bowling Championships.

Pitts has pulled some strings

to get him transferred into his unit.

A professional. That's disgusting.

How low can you get?

Do we know any?

Yes, I'm still waiting. Over.

And over and over and over.

Uh, Pierce, I'm gonna take a little break,

go get some coffee. Do you want some?

No, thank you. Yeah, Portland General?

I'm‐‐ I'm trying to reach my father, Daniel Pierce.

‐Over. I got the hospital. ‐Splendid.

She's ringing the room.

Hello?

Hel‐Hello? Who... Wait. Who's this?

No, no, no, no, no. I can't clear the line. I'm‐‐

Now, come on, operator.

Just give me a minute, will you? The‐‐

Yeah, well, can't the general wait?

My father's gonna be on in a‐‐

Hello? Hello?

Damn!

‐Colonel, you wanted to see me? ‐You bet.

Padre, pick up the spare for me.

Lord knows you could use the practice.

Enough, Colonel.

I'm developing a rather ugly blister on my thumb.

Padre, nobody said war is fun. Now bowl.

Let's go over here... where we can talk man to Major.

Margaret, I've decided you can be of some help

to the team after all.

Oh, Colonel, just put one of those balls in my hand,

and you won't regret it.

Not exactly what I had in mind.

‐(ball, pins clattering) ‐You're lofting again!

In a couple of hours,

the Marines are gonna be here for practice.

They've gotten themselves a ringer, a pro.

Now, if you really care about the 4077th, you'll see to it

that by the time a certain Sergeant Urbancic

walks into this alley tomorrow

he'll be a shadow of his former self.

Are you suggesting that I allow some leatherneck

to land on the shores of Margaret Houlihan?

‐Margaret, how could you even think such a thing? ‐How can you even‐‐

What is the matter with you?

I'm just suggesting that you use

your vast repertoire of womanly charms

to occupy him with an evening of boilermakers

and getting his hopes up.

Colonel, they may have a pro, but you don't!

I should have offered her a promotion.

"Tests and possible surgery."

This letter has "cancer" written all over it.

4077 MASH.

Yes, this is Captain Pierce. Who's this?

That's great! That's great! Thank you, thank you.

Ham operator in Portland.