MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Pierce, will you stop...

that detestable singing?

Use some discretion in here. Okay.

Colonel Potter, will you make him stop?

Or at least back him with an orchestra. All right. Rein in your horses.

With this big push we can expect to see quite a lot of each other in the next few days.

Might as well stay on speaking terms.

‐ Shut up, Pierce! ‐ Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.

Suppose this is gonna be another one of those 24‐hour shifts without a break.

Mm‐hmm. For starters.

Nurse. Retractor. What?

I said retractor. Listen, will you?

Don't talk with your mouth open.

Kindly listen with yours closed.

Charles, are you just a tad edgy today?

Nope. No. Not in the least.

Stay awake, Charles. You almost swallowed your mask.

‐ I am awake. ‐ Come on, Major.

You look like a wrung‐out dishrag, and I must say it doesn't surprise me.

You've gotta learn to pace yourself and get some rest.

You think that three cups of joe and a long shower...

can take the place of eight hours' shut‐eye.

‐You're running yourself ragged. ‐Fortunately, I possess the Winchester stamina.

I'm fine. Really.

Scissors. I can't.

I said scissors.

Major, the suture has slipped. You didn't tie it correctly.

Oh.

Major, do you have the blood count results yet?

Klinger, I'm going as fast as I can. Rats.

I walk all the way over from post‐op for nothing.

That's 10 whole yards, Klinger,

unless, of course, you took the scenic route through Manchuria. I'm pooped.

Hauling litters, stocking O. R.

Now I got K.P. comin' up. Aw.

I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.

Don't even mention sleep.

Hey, Major, with all these pills and serums lyin' around,

you got anything that could juice me up a little?

You know, bring me back to the living?

Well, there is something.

May your harem never be stricken with stretch marks.

Klinger, these are amphetamines,

or dexies,

sometimes referred to as bennies by you Bohemians.

I'm Lebanese. Right.

Ingesting two of these pills is like swallowing a 50‐horsepower engine.

You'd be so alert your other four senses would catch up with your dainty nose.

Don't wrap 'em. I'll eat 'em here.

These pills can make you feel so good you wouldn't even mind being in the army.

Right! Right! And I'm not gonna give you any.

Right. What? Do you want extreme depression?

You want chronic fatigue? I already got those.

Worse, dependence on the drug itself?

Any drug like this must be dispensed by a qualified physician.

Well, you've got a degree. Come on. No, no.

Klinger, my expertise in the matter tells me that you cannot handle those.

Why? Because people of your...

genetic background are far too hyperactive.

I am not!

See? Oh, Klinger, thank God I was around to advise you.

No telling what would've happened without me.

All right. I'll stick to sniffing garlic‐‐ raw garlic.

Remember, Klinger,

before taking any medication like this,

always consult a highly trained physician like myself.

You're welcome.

Darn it!

Hey, Superman, huh?

Is that the one where they kidnap Lois Lane?

Lois Lane gets kidnapped in every one. Yeah, I know.

‐ Hey, Remy, I'll trade ya. ‐ What do you got, Chalk?

The one where, uh, Popeye beats up all the Nazis.

Oh, yeah. They take away all of Wimpy's hamburgers and he tells the Germans everything.

Why don't you guys ever read a book, learn somethin'?

Like what? Catcher in the Rye.

And it ain't about baseball or booze.

Then, uh, what's so good about it?

I don't know yet. No one's underlined it.

Can't be as good as Superman.

Hey, uh, you guys are, uh, marines, huh?

Yeah. What gave it away, the solid muscles?

I tried to join the marines, but they said my eyes wasn't good enough for ya.

You tried to join the marines?

You wouldn't last five seconds.

The D.I. would use you for chewing tobacco.

I would've made a good marine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we ever raid a kindergarten class, I'll call ya.

Here we are. First floor. Lingerie, sportswear,

elephant accessories and recuperating patients.

Hey, Sarge. Sarge!

‐ Hey, you LODOs. How ya doin'? ‐ Just terrific. I hope you brought some raw meat.

Hey, you guys'll be outta here by tomorrow night, won't you? No, no.

They're mandatory guests for the next few days.

What's the Christmas rush? Our mouse goes up against the 4033rd tomorrow.

Your mouse? Sluggo.

Hey, Doc, we gotta be there.

Listen to it on the radio. You got a racing rodent? Only the world's fastest.

Oh, yeah? Doesn't the jockey get any credit?

Hey, listen. Sluggo's 19‐and‐0.

Oh, yeah? You guys got a mouse you think is pretty fast, huh?

That's right, kid. Yeah, well, my mouse can beat your mouse.

Radar, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fastest mouse in Korea.

Yeah? And how's his eyesight?

Hey, listen. My Daisy can beat your Sluggo any day of the week and twice in January.

‐ Daisy? ‐ How about this Saturday, kid?

Okay. Okay, my Daisy'll make your Sluggo into chewin' tobacca.

Hey‐‐ Hey, Radar, really? Really.

Uh, would you mind if we, uh‐‐ if we bet on this extravaganza?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bet, bet, bet. Daisy has a pack to support.

Well, that's the idea, pal. Bet as much as you can lose.

Uh‐huh. Just put your money where your mouse is.

Radar, this, uh, Daisy is, uh, lightning fast, right?

Well, I guess I can teach her.

"Can anything compare to morning's first sight?

"The promise of beginning so new and so bright.

From the moment I awake, till my first cornflake, I tingle at Aurora's delight."

Touching as hell. Who wrote that?

Charles Emerson Winchester while still an undergrad at Harvard.

It sounded very... collegiate.

Still surviving only on coffee, Major?

No time for anything else. Later this morning I intend to pull together my notes...

and finally write that article for the A. M. A. journal entitled...

"Korea, the Surgeon's Buffet."

As long as it rhymes.

Either of you have a pen?

Thank you. I tingle, for now I can write.

‐ Sending a card? ‐ My little sister Madge's birthday.

She'll cross the big 5‐0 come Valentine's Day.

Well, that's four months away.

Yeah. The way the mail moves around here I may be cutting it a little close.

Happy belated birthday.

Did I ever tell you about my little sister, Honoria?

She ran away from home‐‐ ah, the pixie‐‐

and, uh, married... a farmer.

Can you believe it? A farmer.

A simple farmer. That's hilarious.

Later she left him. The family ostracized her, of course.

She left him and went to live with‐‐ not to marry, mind you‐‐

but to live with‐‐

Are you ready? A shoe clerk.

Friends, Romans and corpsmen, lend me your ears. He'll return them. I promise.

'Tis nobler in the mind to suffer slings and arrows...

in order to make an outrageous fortune.

What the bard means is that we're taking action on Radar's rat race.

Our Daisy against the marines' Sluggo.

I come to bury Sluggo, not to praise him.

Now if you could only write like that, hmm?

What do you say, folks? Golden opportunity.

What do you say? What do ya say here?

I'm in for five. Five. We got five.

Five. Me too. I guess I can't spend it on dates.

Put me down for 20.

Twenty. Charles, bear in mind‐‐ Twenty.

Daisy is not on the New York Stock Exchange.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Just lay down your cash. I hate a guy who butchers Shakespeare.

$74.50.

Who only bet 50 cents? Radar.

That's encouraging. I hate to make a mountain out of mohair,

but when are you gonna fold your laundry?

Morning, Doc. Where are the other six dwarfs?

That's amusing even from you.

Come on. You can be more insulting than that.

Gentlemen, you see before you a brilliant, incisive paper for the A. M. A....

that a mere two hours ago was a blank pad of paper.

What'll it be two hours from now? Would you proofread that for me?

‐ Sure. Does spelling count? ‐ Hope there's some laughs in it.

Two hours? There's 27 pages here.

‐Yes, I pride myself on brevity. ‐It's one long sentence.

I'll read it later. Oh.

You know something, Charles?

It's taken you a long time, but I think you're finally beginning to fit into this place.

Like a surgical glove. Are you surprised?

No. More like stunned, shocked. Bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

You are now coping with this nightmare better than I've ever seen you.

Better than I've ever seen me. Don't forget, gentlemen, that I am a Winchester.

Write that down. He's a Winchester.

All I have to do is set my mind to something, and eventually, inevitably, I conquer it.

You know, compared to the Harvard dorms, this place really isn't all that bad.

Charles, don't change a hair. He hasn't got any to change.

Pity there isn't enough of the Winchester character to go around.

Or the Winchester humility.

Attention all personnel. The Chinese are at it again.

Incoming wounded. Looks like a long one.

And we're the welcoming committee.

Those were the tiniest and neatest stitches I've ever seen, Major.

You're not assisting a blacksmith, Margaret.

These fingers could stitch a fly's wing back onto its body.

‐ But what fly could afford you? ‐ Done. And in record time.

The fastest 40‐yard colon ever run.

Klinger! Klinger!

Gotta move faster than that. Sorry, sir.

I was in the back giving my biceps a pep talk.

You're holding up progress. I wanna see X rays.

Right away, Major. Klinger, you've built a reputation you can't live up to.

Don't worry. We'll have you out of here in a jiffy‐‐ even quicker.

I have some time free if anyone needs some help.