Sirens

Speed kills.

You hear that a lot out in the world.

Don't rush, take your time. Speed kills.

But if you want to be an E.M.T, you want to be one of us,

you've got to learn a different rule.

Speed saves.

Speed saves.

No, sir. Jesus saves.

Speed saves.

Jesus helps.

Every day, we answer anywhere from 5 to 15 calls.

A lot of 'em are just what we call "milk runs."

Old lady gets moved from her long-term apartment

into long-term elderly housing.

A hypochondriac with heart palpitations.

Turns out it's just gas.

And sometimes you got the life-and-death deals...

Car crashes, gunshot victims, drug overdoses.

Every second counts...

Each one like a bomb about to go off.

Now, you might think it's not a problem

to defuse one of those bombs,

but every time you defuse one, another bomb pops up,

ticking, waiting to explode.

To give you an idea of what we're talking about here,

we're gonna walk you through a shift we had

just a few weeks ago.

It started out a day like any other day.

Top three first ladies you'd sleep with in their prime?

Jackie Kennedy, Michelle Obama,

and Laura Bush as a librarian,

in the library, in the christianity section.

Go.

Barbara Bush.

Barbara Bush? She never had a prime.

She always looked like George frickin' Washington.

Exactly, and George was a slave owner,

so it'd be like a grudge-hump... For my people.

Would you ever blow Abraham Lincoln?

Daniel Day Lincoln, yes.

Real life Lincoln, no.

Freedom or not, I do have some standards.

I always admired Rosalynn Carter.

She wore very sensible shoes.

- -

Teamwork is everything.

Sterile swabs.

85.

Wide-gauge sharps. - 44.

Narrow-gauge sharps. - 30.

That low? Better count again.

30.

- Voo. - Already ordering more.

And find a new sandwich shop in Bucktown.

Found it. Put your order in ten minutes ago.

- Italian beef? - You got it.

My girl.

It's actually bigger than a team.

See, with a team, a guy can demand a trade

or hold out for more money, but with us,

when a crew's been working together long enough,

they become something stronger.

They become a family.

One dozen Bavarian creams, ladies and germs,

from Chicago's finest gourmet doughnut shop...

Glazed and Infused.

Google it, bitches.

Yep, that's right.

Thank you, Uncle Johnny. You're welcome.

Because these are the people who have my back...

People without whom I could not do my job...

The people who make me want to put on this uniform every day.

And I love these people. I love this family.

Oh!

You've got to be shitting me.

Okay, assholes, who took the last goddamn doughnut?

Everyone on the team, everyone in the family,

every E.M.T. On every rig, each one brings some talent

that can help save a life.

Well, we know I bring the doughnuts.

And speed and decisiveness

in certain life-and-death situations,

which I really admire.

- Thank you, Hank. - Huh.

And then I bring the muscle.

- And the medical know-how. - Oh.

Seriously, you're like an E.M.T encyclopedia.

And what is it

that you guys would say that I bring?

- Oh, um... - Oh...

- You are very enthusiastic. - Yes.

Yes! Yes, I bring the enthusiasm.

- And the gum. - Yes, I do!

- I bring the gum. - You brought the gum, right

yes, it's a new kind where the flavor doesn't run out

before you've chewed it five times.

- Goddamn fruit stripe. - That shit bit it hard.

This is, uh... It's supposed to last for ever.

- It's called triple taste... - Okay.

And it lasts three times longer.

Okay.

And blast off.

Mmm.

- - Wow.

- It's great. - Welcome to flavor country.

Yeah, it's like a chewable fruit basket.

The second act... Is that honeydew?

- Yeah - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Little pomegranate? - Oh, yeah.

No, I got the pomegranate big-time.

We're just one part of the machinery

that keeps people alive,

and we have connections to other parts

of that machinery.

Like, my father was a fireman for three decades.

- My girlfriend... - Ex-girlfriend.

Hot ex-girlfriend.

Oh, very, very hot.

My very, very, very hot ex-girlfriend,

who's still kind of my girlfriend,

even though we sort of broke up

and is now being objectified by my coworkers, Brian...

Is a cop.

And as you can imagine, that job comes

with special stresses all its own.

Gun.

Aah!

Dealing in life and death all day

can put terrible pressure on your personal relationships.

- Mexican. - Chinese.

- No, Mexican. - Come on.

- I'm craving Chinese. - No!

My day sucked. I need guacamole.

Your day sucked?

We had two heart attack victims today.

One aggravated assault, one attempted robbery.

Construction worker with a metal rod

impaled in his neck, 90 stitches.

I chased two drug dealers 5 1/2 blocks.

That's just good cardio.

- And they shot at me. - That's a lie.

- You would have led with that. - Oh, but they could have!

Yeah, but by that logic,

you'd get to pick dinner every single night.

Yeah. You know...

- Tequila makes me horny. - Like I said, Mexican.

We got to have respect for each other.

And respect for the rules and regulations

and the unwritten rules.

There are always unwritten rules in every family.

And Jay Cutler's shoulder

will be examined today by team doctors

for any evidence of serious damage.

- Shit. - We lose Cutler, we're done.

Done-done.

So, uh, did he hurt his, uh...

- Whoa! - Whoa!

What the hell you think you doing?

I was just...

Who told you you could sit there?

- Is somebody sitting there? - Both: No.

Oh, well, then...

- - Holy shit!

What is happening right now?

You've broken their little seating chart.

- It's not a seating chart. - It's a hierarchy.

It's a power structure.

Cash sits in the chair.

I sit here. Johnny sits there.

The space between us is the neutral zone.

The all-important neutral zone.

Why do you need a neutral zone?

Why do we need a neutral zone?

If you have to ask why we need a neutral zone,

you're clearly not part of the power structure.

In two years, if you work out,

we might invite you to sit on the couch with us.

- Might. - Really?

Is that... Is that true, Cash?

Kevin, if you sit on that couch again uninvited,

I will set your face on fire.

Brian, you can come sit over here with us.

all these chairs are open...

Except I sit in this one and don't sit in that one.

They think I'm afraid of that couch.

It's not that.

I'm afraid of all couches... Everywhere.

I'm afraid of that couch.

Five years' worth of Hank and Johnny's farts

stored up in those cushions.

- Hence the neutral zone. - Yeah.

Real power does not lie

in the inane seating situation you have, boys.

It lies in my office, because I am the voice of God.

You can have your couch.

I have my throne and my yoga ball

for when my sciatica acts up.

It's a humbling job.

Whoever you are when you walk through that door...

Man, woman, hot shit, dork of all dorks...