Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List

Some friendships are so important,

You'd do anything to make them last.

That's why Ely and I created the no-kiss list.

What exactly is a no-kiss list, you ask?

Well, hold on a second. I'll get there.

Muggies, late for school.

- No. - No.

- Switch. - Yeah, switch.

Mm, much better.

Oh, by the way, student revolt, classes cancelled.

- That sucks. Oh, well. - So funny, Pinocchio.

Any more, you're gonna need a nose job.

One thing you should know about me...

18 years of apartment living, and you still believe pressing.

The down button speeds up the elevator's arrival.

Implicitly.

...I lie all the time.

Good morning, Mrs. Loy.

I lied to Mrs. Loy that I walked her dog.

Three times a day when she went to Atlantic City.

But honestly, I think that dog hates me.

- Close it. Close it. - Close it!

Good morning, Mr. Mcallister.

Bam.

Let's do this.

I like it.

Love it. Hello.

I lie to myself that it's meaningless.

When I don't tell Ely that Gabriel,

The beautiful new doorman, may occasionally text me.

- Hey, how's it going? - And I lied to Bruce the first.

When I let him let him he ever had a shot at being my first.

I hope the day continues to be good.

If it hasn't been good then I hope it changes...

All right. Step aside, kids.

- Bye, boys. Bye! - Have a great day.

Well, that was fun.

Thank you. Thank you.

- We're going this way. - Oh, take me away!

Fraulein, have you ever noticed.

That Gabriel's left eye is greener than his right?

Ely, you insult me.

What are you taking me for, some sort of amateur doorman stalker?

That's only the 37th thing I love most about him.

Oh, my God, Naomi, remind me to introduce you to this guy.

Freshman film freak, goes by the name of, uh,

Bruce the second.

- He's your boyfriend. - Oh. Right. Him,

But Gabriel's just so gaze-worthy.

Okay. Clearly, Gabriel belongs on the no-kiss list.

Fast, fast, don't get hit by a Moped.

All right, keep up.

You check the news. I'll stock up on snacks.

Why discriminate? You know what I mean?

The no-kiss list is meant for all truly,

Madly kissable boys, like Robert Pattison.

It hurts knowing that person's lips will never touch yours.

Because of our ever-so-sacred vow of no-kissing lists.

- Bye! - Bye!

This is a new song, Otis?

Sure is, sweet baby.

Oh, I love it.

There you go, baby.

I'll walk you to class if we can take the scenic route.

And I lied to Ely that I'm okay with gay.

Do you see that one on the left?

I am. Just... Not for him.

- Do I have to? - Yes.

Naomi, it's not high school anymore, okay?

Have you seen the wreckage of our lives, lately.

Seems psych might be good for the soul.

Go in there. Show 'em who's boss.

It's 110% you.

- You're beautiful. I love you. - Come with me.

No. I can't. You got this. It's all on you.

- Go. Go. Go. Git! - Oh! No!

I don't wanna go!

- Hug me. - No. No. No. Back.

Come.

Oh, I lied to the nyu admissions committee.

When I told them I had a vision for my future.

Six weeks in, and I can barely see straight.

Naomi, over here! I saved you a seat.

Thanks, Robin.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We will be re-examining chapter five in our textbook...

Oh, crap. Ely always gives me a pen.

Thank you.

Access chapter five, page...

You wanna know why I lie.

And what exactly Ely meant by the wreckage of our lives?

There's Ely, already making me feel better.

Ely and I have lived next door to each other our whole lives.

I was there when his moms could finally get married.

They may look happy here, but it became a total shit show.

When my dad had an affair with Ely's mom, Jenny.

The moms marriage survived... Somehow,

But my parents' didn't.

So I started lying to my mom to tell her she'd make it through.

It's not that I don't think she can.

I just don't think she wants to wake.

From the pharmaceutical haze she's been ever since dad left.

But Ely and I will always have each other.

We're city kids who never had big backyards,

So we built our own urban tree house.

On top of the stairwell in our building.

It's our private hallowed ground.

Miss? Miss? Hello?

Are you finding it difficult to concentrate.

On our discussion of freud and the unconscious?

Well, it may have appeared that I was zoning out.

I was actually exploring the very power.

Of my unconscious.

Is that so?

Yes?

Hey, Boo.

Yaffa cafe, stat.

I-I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

Ely, seriously, come on, please, I need to talk to you.

My professor just totally chewed me out.

It was humiliating. Be in there in five.

Fine. I'll see you in ten.

Bruce, are you seriously gonna do that all semester?

What? I'm just trying to capture your essence.

Oh, did I tell you?

I think I decided on a title for my student film.

"Hot child in the city."

Hot.

Oh, no, that's for Ely!

Oh.

That's... Cool.

Uh, I got Orson Welles. I'll call you later?

Yeah. Sure.

Hi, Bruce.

Bye, Bruce.

So glad you're here.

I never noticed B2 had such good teeth.

Huh?

Trust me. Follow me.

Where are we going?

Quit complaining.

I think we should get married here.

Well, you make me swoon from the gritty romance of it all,

But what happened to the temple of Dendur at the met?

This time, I don't mean you and me getting married.

I mean, me and he.

Mediocre doorman by night...

Superstar baller by day.

- Good God. - Sigh.

God, he's great with balls.

Gabriel so belongs on the no-kiss list,

But bottom standing will not suffice.

Yeah, but where the hell do we put him then?

Because obviously Donnie Weisberger.

Remains a non-negotiable number one.

- Obv. - Yeah.

Rumor has it he's doing habitat for humanity crap.

In Guatemala dodging the drug rap.

- From the senior skip day 'Shroom Fiasco. - Yeah?

- Donnie. Donnie. I miss him. - Yea, Gabriel maybe new,

- But he's hotter than everyone else. - Agreed.

Get it in. Come on. Come on. Oh, yes.

And George says he's in a band.

Oh, my God. That's even hotter.

Mm-hmm.

Well, then, welcome Gabriel.

To number two on the no-kiss list. Mwah.

Let us never forget the importance of declaring.

Certain hottie Mchot boys off-limits.

Fine.

It is the official insurance against Naomi and Ely breakup.

I guess.

Friendship where we never fight over guys...

- Is a friendship that lasts forever, - Exactly.

Done. Gabriel is off-limits.

If only our parents had a no-kiss list.

Then maybe my dad wouldn't live not in the building anymore,

Far, far away.

And mom susan wouldn't still be sleeping on the couch?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, all you.

Call me. I'll call you. We'll meet up later.

Oh, no, thank you.

- Smack that ass. - Oh! Hey!

Thank you.

Shake that. Shake it. Shake it.

Swerving on it. It's hard-core.

Oh, my God.

- Did you like that? - Oh, I loved that.

God.

Do you know why I love you?

Because of my uncanny ability to wiggle my eyebrows?

Oh, my God.

That is fascinating.

And also because...

When I feel like sticking my head in an oven,

You pull it out,

And you put cookies in there instead.

That was sweet.

Mm, thanks.

Check it. Check it.