Two and a Half Men

Here we are.

Be it ever so humble.

Wow, this is some house.

If you ever decide to sell, I want the listing.

Well, you'd have to kill my mom for it, so...

sure.

Can I make you a drink?

Charlie, we both know I'm gonna sleep with you.

You don't have to liquor me up.

Hey, I've been doing this a long time.

Trust me, you'll want a drink.

Oh, hey.

I didn't know you guys were home.

Lydia, this is my brother Alan.

Alan, hi.

Hi.

So sorry to hear about your troubles.

Troubles? What troubles?

Oh, maybe I have it wrong.

Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced,

broke and living on your couch?

I don't know what she's talking about.

Well, I am going through a bit of a rough patch,

but I try not to think about it too much.

Good for you.

I'd be suicidal.

You hear that? You have options.

Anyway, this is my nephew Jake.

Hello, Jake. Hi.

So, what grade are you in?

Seventh.

Well, don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you.

You'll show 'em someday.

Nobody makes fun of me.

You're kidding?

Why would anyone make fun of me?

And this is my housekeeper Berta.

Berta, Lydia.

Choose your words carefully, Slim.

Slim?

Why, thank you.

I watch what I eat.

Going in or coming out?

Hey, why don't we forget the drinks, and go out

on the deck and enjoy the sunset?

All right. Well, it was so nice to meet all of you.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

You didn't have to be so rude.

You said they were laughing with me.

Hey, I got my own problems.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

No need to thank me.

I wasn't going to.

Excuse me?

I mean, it was very nice,

it's just if I'd known you were gonna camp down there

I would've given you a lantern and some marshmallows.

Hey, I was just trying to be thorough.

You were showing off.

No, no, if I were showing off

I'd have done it with no hands.

So I can expect this kind of effort

every time we get in bed?

Well, maybe not during flu season.

And it's important to have variety.

I'm not always gonna swing for the long ball,

every once in a while I'll lay down a bunt,

and how did you manage to turn this into a bad thing?

It's not a bad thing.

Thank you.

Which is not to say if you were open to suggestion

it couldn't be better.

Oh, really?

And how could it have been better?

Ooh, looks like I pushed a button.

Yeah, well, it looks like I didn't.

Charlie...

you can push an elevator button a hundred times,

it still won't come any faster.

Fine.

Maybe next time I'll take the stairs.

Oh, come on...

don't be like that.

You were magnificent.

Astonishing.

You've ruined me for other men.

There, was that so hard?

You boys and your little egos.

Okay, okay, stop.

In this bed, we don't say "boys"

and we don't say "little."

Fine.

You want me to try again?

No, I'm a bit chafed.

Let's make the next few minutes about pleasing you.

A few minutes? That's all I get?

Trust me, darling,

with me, that's all you can handle.

* Men...

Hey, Dad? Yeah?

Do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?

Well, I just met her the one time, so...

no, not really.

You know who she reminds me of?

The girls at school who think they rule the world

just 'cause they got their boobs.

Well, I hate to tell you, buddy,

but they kinda do.

I don't get it.

I wouldn't be mean if I had boobs.

That's very admirable.

: Hi there.

I like you very much.

Please don't do that.

Do what? I'm just being nice.

I'm serious. Cut it out.

Hey.

Hey.

: Hello, big boy.

You really need to get him into a sport.

I'll need a sports bra.

I said quit it.

What are you watching?

I don't know, some Disney crap.

Where's your girlfriend?

Hey, my boob!

She had to go pick up her kids.

Probably from therapy.

What's that supposed to mean?

We don't like her.

Who's "we"?

Me and Dad.

No, no, I d... uh...

That's, that's not...

I mean, she seems really...

No, we don't like her.

All right, she might be a bit outspoken,

but I happen to find that very attractive.

She must be dynamite in the sack.

Where do you get this stuff from?

Cinemax.

Well, not that my sex life is any of your business...

It's not his business.

It's nobody's business.

So, what does she do for a living?

Besides being a stone cold bee-yatch.

HBO.

She sells real estate.

Oh, like Mom.

No, not like Mom.

Lydia sells high-end homes in Beverly Hills,

and Mom sells high-end homes...

mostly on the beach.

What are you getting so defensive about?

I'm not getting defensive!

Lydia sells homes on the bee-yatch.

All right, all right, that's it. Go to bed.

I wasn't mean before I got my boobs.

Boy, puberty is gonna hit him like a shovel.

* Men...

Good to have you back, Mr. Harper. Thank you, Bobby.

We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.

Well, maybe you just didn't recognize her.

Like Satan, my mother can take many forms.

: Good one.

I'm ready to order.

Of course.

Apologies for the frivolity.

What would you like?

I'll have the seared ahi tuna filet.

Good choice. I want it very rare.

That's how we serve it. I want it red in the middle, not pink.

Shall do. If it's pink, don't even bother bringing it.

Got it. Just give it to someone who doesn't know what rare is.

Of course. You know what? Forget it.

You won't get it right.

Is your salmon fresh?

Flown in today.

What time?

I'll ask the chef.

Many forms. I thought you were joking.

You eat here regularly?

Not anymore.

So, listen, about this weekend.

My ex is going to be out of town,

so I'll have the kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lydia, no one loves the little ones

more than old Uncle Charlie,

but don't you think it might be a bit soon

for me to meet your kids?

Oh, I don't want you to meet them.

Why not?

Because I'm very careful

about who I expose them to.