Intelligence

OK. What have we got?

Jerry, what's the latest on Eternal Blue?

I need to update Whitehall.

Well, I'm still analyzing the code

to see if I could get a fix on exactly where

the Russians are operating from.

- I may need to call Zuckerberg. - Mark Zuckerberg? Why?

- We're old friends. - Facebook friends?

How's Zuckerberg going to help?

Fuck if I know.

My gosh, I am so sorry that I am late.

I had a bit of an accident, so...

How's your mum, by the way?

Oh, she's still dead, sadly, Chris.

I'm talking to Mary.

Have you started to miss her yet?

Well, I was going through her old drawers back home,

and I did find a DNR form, which is a bit sad.

Why? What's that?

It means do not resuscitate.

Well, perhaps she's just thinking of the future

and doesn't want to be a burden.

No. This form had my name on it.

What was the name of that form again?

Davina, come over here if you please.

All right. I'm coming. Coming.

They activate my psoriasis. Sorry.

Oh, we also have a request in from Disney

regarding their new streaming service.

Oh, sweet. Will I be able to watch it from my office?

Some of their customers have been subject

to a data-protection breach.

So... yes?

Oh, and just come in from Analytics at GCHQ Bude,

they may have captured a signal

matching Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint.

Well, great. Can they send it over?

I should think no. It's not likely.

Why? With that data, I could immediately locate

where the Russians are operating from and end this thing.

Do they not understand how awesome that would make me look?

Exactly. Bude might want to claim

that victory as their own, which reminds me,

the board have expressed concern that any romantic relationships

between our sister organizations are to be actively discouraged,

as they may prove a security risk.

I hope that's not going to be a problem for anyone.

Does anyone have a knife?

There you go.

Hey.

Hey, Jerry, you got a minute?

Hey. Sorry about that.

I was looking into that whole Disney thing.

Yeah.

So what's going on? Did you get the location data?

No. It's more pressing than that.

I've got a date tonight.

What? With who?

- OK, but here's the thing. - She's bald?

- No. - She's blind.

- No. - Rabies?

No, Jerry. It's about me.

- You've got rabies? - No, Jerry.

So I'm...

I'm still a virgin.

Well, yeah.

I mean, I kind of figured at that.

Oh, no. Is it obvious?

No. Uh-uh.

Listen, but I'm so sorry. I'm just super busy, OK?

Oh! Ah! Agh!

Sorry.

It's pretty good, though, isn't it?

What, "Moana"?

Oh, my God, the Rock is, like, on fire.

No, that I finally got a date.

Yes. Oh, that's great, buddy. Yeah.

Oh, one final thing, just to go back

to what Chris said, it that it's Charlotte

from GCHQ Bude, so... rr!

As in she's on the team that captured

Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint?

Yeah, think so.

Well, then this sounds like a perfect opportunity.

For me?

Yes. That's what...

Yes. That's what I... For you.

Evelyn!

Oh!

What?

OK. This is gonna sound strange,

but what if you wore an earpiece and I told you what to say?

Would I need to get them pierced?

No. See, I just think we can both get so much

out of this date, you know?

I don't... What do you mean by...

Nothing makes me happier than playing Cupid...

Oh...

And I just really want to see you score with Scarlett.

- Charlotte. - Margaret. Right.

Have you ever seen the movie "Roxanne"?

- With Steve Martin? - Yeah.

I just... It looked too scary for me.

Oh, it's a comedy.

Well, it's about this guy with a big nose, right...

Yeah?

Who has the hots for this girl,

but the problem is, she's into

this much, much better-looking guy.

Right. How is this helpful?

OK, so I don't really remember the rest of it,

but basically, they do what I'm proposing we do,

and in the end, the guy with the nose, he gets the girl.

The guy with the nose.

Right, while his buddy gets the intel he needs.

Right.

Yeah, and then I think you die.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Mm, and so, apart from the nose,

is there anything else I can do with my appearance to help?

- Stand up. - Yeah?

- All the way. - This is as far as I go.

Sorry. OK, so right off the bat,

I think you should wear something with vertical stripes

because that shirt makes you look even, like, more...

than you are.

You know what? Come over here.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah. Stop right there.

OK. I want you to close your eyes.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself 3 feet taller.

Your legs are growing longer,

and you can now reach a doorknob, OK?

Now open your eyes.

- Oh, my God. - Right?

- Yeah. - Right?

- Wow. - Yeah. Yeah.

See, it's all about positioning yourself

to create the illusion of tallness.

Well, that's actually how they shot

a lot of "Lord of the Rings."

Exactly. Yeah. Feel it out.

Walk around. Try a doorknob.

- So easy. Yeah. - That's so easy.

OK, so Joseph has a hot date tonight,

and we're trying to figure out ways

to make him more attractive.

Want to borrow my jacket?

Oh, no. Well, I used to have a lucky top,

but I stopped wearing it because it was attracting wasps.

Lucky how? I thought you said you've never been laid.

- That's so hot. - Listen.

I know this might sound like a stupid question,

and I hope you don't mind me asking,

but just in case it comes up, where, exactly, is... it?

- The vagina. - The vagina.

Jinx. You owe me a root beer.

Yeah. I mean, just a rough ballpark.

Well it can vary.

- Can it? - Can it?

Oh, jinx again. Tuva, that's two.

Some days, I find mine can be quite high up.

Right. I'm not sure how helpful that is.

You want me to do a drawing?

Yes, please.

So did you never see your mum's?

Not really.

I mean, she died, like, 20 years ago.

And you never saw it before she died?

Not just before, no.

Here you go.

Oh.

Ah. It's a lot bigger than I thought.

It's not to scale.

Right. What's that?

That's the urethra.

Yeah. That's where pee comes out, buddy.

You don't have to worry about that, but, Tuva,

I think you got a lot of this wrong.

What's that little thing up there, for instance?

Yeah. That's explains a lot.

You know, I just think you got to keep things

as simple as possible for Joseph.

And there's no danger of me, you know,

accidentally ending up inside the urethra, say.

It's around 8 millimeters wide.

No. I'm good.

What's going on?

Oh. Um, nothing, just something

suddenly popped up in Joseph's in box,

and we're just trying to fix it.

Hardware or software?

Oh, hardware with any luck.

Well, so long as it isn't a virus...

Oh, no, no, no.

Joseph's equipment is totally clean.

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah. It's Mary's we have to worry about.

Oh, gosh, really?

Maybe get someone to take a look at it in that case.

We don't want you infecting the whole department.